How many of you in recovery felt this way ???
This is exactly how I feel even till today trying so hard ...... to change.... to take care of my family..... to rebuild broken relationships. .....
8 years since I surrender .... seek treatment. .... serve my term .... and rebuilding my life .....
BBut .... I will never be good enough for the society .... for the people around me ....
Every time there is a conflict, crisis, argument, fights at home with family , parents, spouse, kids...... seems like I am just being discounted and disqualified ...
SEEMS TO BE ..... I AM THE CAUSE OF EVERYTHING ......
Really depressing at times ..... and most of the time, I just have to swallow down everything and said ....
"SORRY and I am the one who F it up ....."
Then My mind will start to fight back ....
So why don't just continue and gamble and fight back ..... my luck may just change..... and I can have my break again.
there is no way I can have my break once i am in recovery and constantly remind myself ...
I AM A GAMBLING ADDICT ... AND MY LIFE IS unmanageable .....
Perhaps the winning is around the Corner ....
Perhaps now with the losing experiences .... I can start winning
ONCE I have enough money to pay off my debts, to provide for my family, to bring them for holiday ..... (I unable to do all these ......)
PERHAPS then people will see me differently .....
PERHAPS my ego and self esteem wld be better ....
PERHAPS I can have some say during conflicts, during crisis, during fights......
PERHAPS I won't be the cause and can be the solution for everything ......
Perhaps I can be granted this wish ..... since I have been trying so hard in recovery ...
So with the money I have in my pocket ..... I decided to try again..
More Careful .... More Calculated ..... More strategist ....
Results = = SAME OLD SHIT AND STORY AGAIN .....
WHY is IT SO ???? Because I can't even afford to lose those little amount I have in hands ...... So there are so much fear with those so much bad memories of the past ....
And Having come such a long way ..... its really a struggle again
GAMBLING DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY BETTER ......
WINNING IS NOT FOREVER ..... HOW CAN I MAKE WINNING A ALL TIME THINGY ??
Today ...... Gambling is still seems to be my only solution to all my problems in life .....
Even IF I CAN ACCEPT NO SOLUTION AS A SOLUTION .... MY FAMILY CAN'T !!!
SO AT THE END OF THE DAY ....
I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AGAIN .......
So I am holding on to A DREAM ..... making A WISH ....... hanging on to A HOPE .... and I choose to BELIEVE ......
Bro, I am not any better off than you, maybe you can find another part-time job to save up a holiday for your family.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are succeeding in maintaining a gambling-free life. I agree with what you wrote in your previous post about chasing after your loses, and no matter what, you can never win your money back. Unless you find a way to get your money back by other means... like me, where I committed a heist of the century (which media compared to Ocean's Eleven) and get your money back... but not for too long...
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ReplyDeleteBennie, I found your blog cause I'm seeking help for my dad who is a gambler like you. I shared your posts to encourage him. I felt really sad when it seemed like you decided to take up gambling again. I don't know if you will see this but please don't ever go back. It's not worth it and will only make your family more disappointed. I agree they should not keep blaming you but please don't use it as an excuse to go back. Please go out there and get the support you need.
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ReplyDeleteI'm Ivan Seet used to be addicted to a website for online soccer gambling.. It ruined my life.. $60,000 worth of bank loans and savings gone instantly.. It was probably the worst thing I've gone through. If you take anything from this message DO NOT gamble….. It ruins my life.. Yeah it seems harmless and just a fun activity until all of ur money is lost because you craved the adrenaline high..
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