Recovery is Abt Changes

Recovery is not just about stopping gambling or staying stop ....

Recovery is about Changes ...... a process that brings about change in our lives. We need that change if nothing change... nothing changes ..

It’s important that I always remain open-minded when others point out my shortcomings, for they are bringing to light opportunities for me to change and grow.

When I stopped gambling, I realized I couldn't deal with my daily lives ... I couldn't deal with my relationships .... I couldn't deal with my own emotions ..... there's so much emotions in me that make me very sensitive to remarks made ......

Initially I met those remarks and criticisms with anger, rage, reacting very defensively .... 

I was angry with almost everything !

Then as I grow in my recovery, I realise that reacting defensively limits my ability to receive the help they are offering us; letting go of my defenses actually help me to open the door to change, growth, and new freedom.

I started to work on my negativity and changing them to positive energy ....... trust me ... means really alot alot of restraint, alot of discipline and alot of effort on my part

<< Everything happens for a reason !! There is definitely something that my spiritual higher power wants me to learn>>

Today, each day in the recovery process will bring me an opportunity for further change and growth. I will do to the best of my ability, applying the spiritual principles I learned in recovery in my daily life.

I am not only powerless over my addictions, but also powerless over the people, places and things around me. I can't change them, but I can certainly change myself. When I start to change, people and things around me will also start to change !!

The more I learn to greet change with an open mind and heart, I believe the more I will grow and the more comfortable I will become with my recovery.

And After 10 years on ...... I have somehow grow up to be a better person .... Same Bennie but one without needing to use Anger as my defense anymore  .

CHASING LOSSES ????

Last Day of World Cup 2014 ???

SUFFER BIG LOSSES ....... Not end of the world !!!!

PLEASE DON'T TREAT IT AS A WIN OR DIE MISSION FOR TODAY GAME !!!!

For those new to gambling addiction, you may want to know that One feature of compulsive gambling is ‘loss chasing’. 

Loss chasing occurs when a gambler continues to gamble in the face of great losses in hopes of winning their money back. In the disease of gambling addiction, this is the stages of development ..

While someone who is a moderate, social gambler might quit after losing a certain amount of money, a compulsive gambler will keep going, risking losing much more than they can afford in an effort to recover their losses. 

ARE YOU CHASING LOSSES ....

ONLY YOU HAVE THE ANSWER .... BUT DON'T deceive yourself

BUT if you are wondering where you are right now ..... 

READ THIS

"those who participated in “chasing losses” valued the possible reward of winning over the fear of risk " 

Meaning While someone who does not compulsively gamble might be able to weigh the pros and cons of continuing to gamble after losing a significant amount of money, the brain of a compulsive gambler appears to be unable to handle this process.

DEAR PUNTERS ....

Before you place the next bet ..... 

if you have to, need to and want to place the next bet ....

Think about your family, your love ones,

BET SAFELY !!!!

IF YOU ARE THINKING OF YOUR MONTHLY BILLS AND ALL YOUR DEBTS

TRUST ME .... 

YOU SURE WHACK IT TONITE !!!!

“I didn't choose to be a Gambling Addict"

One of my post back in 2009, and I decide to update it as i think it maybe helpful to some after this World Cup 2014

"I did not choose to become gambling addicts."

When I was young, I had many dreams. There were many times people ask me, my parents or relative or teachers or friends ask, 

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I really didn’t have elaborate dreams of success. I really didn't know what I want to do or achieved. Most of the time I just simply said normal routine of life lor .... work, families, and a future of dignity and respect.

But no one has ever ask me , 

“Do you want to be a gambling addict when you grow up?”

I didn’t choose to become a GAMBLING addict, and now I am told ... that I cannot choose to stop being a gambling addict..... huh ... wtf ??? 

I was told I have the disease of addiction. They even shown me the American Medical stuff ... DSM IV manual ..... trying to convince me ....

What ?? ...... then I was told again I am not responsible for having this disease, but I am responsible for my recovery. 

I thought having learned that I am just like those sick people with chronic disease and that there is a way of recovery, I can move away from blaming circumstances—or myself —and into living the solution.

I told people around me when they start to attack me on my past again ... "I didn’t choose addiction, but I can choose recovery." .... they all said bullshit you.... you are just pure greedy, unrealistic fool who can't put your feet on the ground, dreaming of winning big and having an easy life through gambling .... this is pure lazy, and lies to cover all your wrong doings !!!

What say you ....... ??? What do you think .....

No matter what they say ..... But one thing for sure ... right from the beginning .... 

“I didn't choose to be a Gambling Addict"

Tough love

How many of us really understand what is LOVE ???

And how many of us in recovery really understand what is the meaning of  "TOUGH LOVE" ??

Initially I don't .....

When my parent refuse to bail me out during my rock bottom back in 2006 ....
It's Tough Love

When my family insisted that I go for treatment at IMH .....
It's Tough Love

When they told me to face trial and accept my punishment ....
It's Tough Love 

When my wife is firm with me during the early recovery period ...
It's Tough Love  

When I lost my job, my ego, my pride and was forced to start everything afresh ...
It's Tough Love


Despite not able to trust me fully again ..... Despite not able to forget what I did in the past ..

THEY STAND BY ME ..... ALL THESE WHILE ....

Allowing me time to change and grow up again .....

THIS IS TOUGH LOVE !!!!!

In Trouble Times ........

Dear fellow recovery friends

There are many trouble times in our recovery journey .... but do remember this

"In times of adversity, stay calm, deep breath, and don't rush things. Use our limited resources carefully, if not it will turn our situation even worst." 

At the end of the day, our family will suffer the most ...

Don't make the rush things. What will happen will happen one day.

Keep going ...

It is never easy.....

Trust me.....

All things seems going well in the family, then one day .....

One similar situation, like one in the past, happened.....

I thought perhaps after seven years in recovery and making so much changes, they wld now trust me and have faith in me that I will not go back to my old ways.....

BUT I WAS WRONG......

THE SAME DOUBT.....
THE SAME NO FAITH....
THE SAME LACK OF TRUST....

I was upset initially...... Thinking why still no faith and trust in me..... Started to get angry..

Then I just kept quiet .... And walk away...

It took me a while .... One whole night in fact ... To change the negative to positive...

AT least ... THEY ARE STILL BY MY SIDE ... AND WALKING THE JOURNEY WITH ME...

THEY DIDN'T ABANDON ME....

so.....

Wake up... Maintain my silence....

But give them a hug....

And start our day all over again.

THe pain.....
Can be forgiven...
But won't be forgotten....

Keep going BENNIE.

Things Ain't Going My Way ...

If things ain't not going my way or according to plan .... 

There need to be changes .... 

And There is ONLY one thing that need to be changed .....

That's ME !!!



and If I have made the extra effort to change .... and still changing and yet things still ain't going smoothly and not in place yet ...

Then 

KEEP THE FAITH !!! That's all we can do ..

But I have to admit that ..... CHANGE IS NEVER EASY ..... 

WHY ??

So take it Easy in Recovery .....

One Step @ a Time, One Change @ a Time, & One Day @ a Time !!

Anger is Never a Good Response

When I walk to recovery back in end 2006 ...... I was angry..
Very angry... With people , places and things.

As I travel in this recovery journey, still I am angry.....

Why people , places and things still treated me like this even I have stop gambling....

A wise teacher , then ask me "have you change ??"

I responded strongly....
" I have stopped my compulsive gambling.... I have started working... I bring back money now..  I take care of things at home..... !! Are they blind to all these ...."

The wise teacher just smile at me and walk away......


Then I realised...... I am still the same old me............ full of anger and frustration....
and just one angry response...

It can just simply destroy everything that I have built in recovery....

Rainbow of Hope

The road of recovery is always under construction ...

And Many Stormy Weather Too...


“There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. In recovery, I have to deal with each one separately, and taking it One day @ a Time and not worry for the next storm.” 

Sometimes in life, you just have to bow your head, say a prayer, keep the faith and weather the storm .....

"After every storm the sun will smile; for every Problem there is a Solution."

Keep Believing in the Rainbow of HOPE .....

Imperfection

The "fear"  word stuck to my mind for the whole day....

Leading me to end the day with meditation on the word
"imperfection"

Quote from a wise teacher.

"Don't think peace of mind only comes once you hv fixed up all yr problems and finished all yr business.

You can only find peace of mind and achieve the meaning of life by embracing the IMPERFECTIONS of life."

Imperfection is the nature of the world.

Make peace with imperfection !

Rest in peace now while I can still enjoy life...

Not when others telling me RIP when im lying in the my grave..

Gd Nite and
Rest in Peace. ! !

Don't give up

No matter how painful it is...

No matter how hopeless it seems..

No matter how many people has given up on us...

Don't ever give up on yourself..

Learning to Let go.. is not giving up.

Recovery is for ourselves and not for others..

It has to be tough...
It has to be painful..
It has to be difficult...

If not... people like me ... wont change..

Hang in there...

Dont ever give up on yourself.

Gambling gave me a pair of glasses

Just overheard this on tv drama..

"Gambling has given me a pair of glasses.... to let me see clearly the people around me... the places.... the society.... the things that are happening..."

How true it was.... it really touches my heart. .. 7years had passed since my downfall..

Most around me in my cirlce left feeling disgusted, angry and disappointed..

I lost everything.... even my own dignity. . Lost my soul.... and nearly wanted to end my life...

But
my parents,
my beloved wife
my 3 lovely kids...

They were so hurt... so much pain..
So much disappointment. . So much tears. ...

BUT THEY NEVER GIVE UP ON ME. Never look down on me

THEY STOOD BY ME ALL THESE WHILE

Allowing me time to change.

Giving me the space to change.

Giving me the understanding to change.

Giving me the chance to change.

Giving me the LOVE to change.

I could see so so clearly with this pair of glasses now..

Now on the hinge side..

Hahaha gambling did something good to me....

Thank you so much for giving me this pair of glasses...

When do we "change"

How true it was for me.....

7 years back.... when I reached my rock bottom in my gambling career. .

I have lost everything....

Facing a broken family...
Devastated parent and wife..
Disgusted and disappointed frens
Lost my high profile job..
Going through bankrupt proceedings
And a jail term in front of me..

How painful can it be...
With so much shame and guilt...

That's was the time I realized that I have no more bullet to fight back..

I have to stop gambling ...

I need to change....

But before I could really start to change. ..

I have to deal with the pain....

It was so painful indeed...

And i wasn't happy then.... filled with so much pain and anger.. i didn't really change... I just stopped !!!

So how and when did the change start.....

This is what i did...
"Just stopped being angry" !!

Only i stopped being angry then i am able to learn how to be happy..

Then there's where changes will start to take place...

Things happened

Everything happened for a reason

Be it spiritual or religious. .

You reap what you sow.. as stated in the bible...

Or be it karma...  as in buddhism..

If it happened to me... it just means that "I deserve it!! No more no less!!"

If it didnt happen to me... it just means that "I dont deserve it !!" Or time is not ripe. ...

Good things happen ...
Bad things happen...

So if I deserve it... it will happened.

No need to run..
No need to chase...
No need to hide...

No matter what happened to me...
"ALL I NEED TO DO... IS TO

STAY HUMBLE..
STAY GRATEFUL..
AND KEEP MY FEET on the ground.!"

Stau focus on tday..
One day at a time.

Interview by ST

ST reporter called me yesterday to do a interview with me over the phone on problem gambling .. AGAIN ??

so when i ask the reporter Janice, wat's the purpose of the report ??

Again, the same reply, - Awareness .. and also to get my opinion on the following issues

1) whether problem gambling is on the rise ?

2) whether help is readily available in singapore and whether they are effective ?

3) whether having Casinos here make it more difficult for gamblers to quit ?

and then to ask me abt my past again....

That clearly showed me the standard and research done by this reporter .... and it also tell me that many still do not understand what is gambling addiction and problem gambling !!!

To many, problem gambling is a moral weakness ... mainly bcos of greed and once you stop gambling, all the problem will be gone !!!

Compulsive gambling is a progressive disorder!!

IT IS AN EMOTIONAL ILLNESS.

As the compulsion rises, the gambler is often forced into a pattern of lying, cheating and stealing to stay in 'action'! wages and stakes also rises, eventually the gambler's money disappear. Obtaining money becomes paramount important, which eventually leads to lying and cheating, borrowing and even embezzling.

Everytime a gambler does that, he or she always rationalized by a very serious and sincere vow to pay back the money!!

then it will leads to loanshark, illegal activities, crime, broken family and even suicide.

To seek help, treatment ... the compulsive gambler has to be willing !! If the gambler is not willing, no one can force him to treatment. The most important is to break out it's destructive behaviuor pattern!! it's not about just stopping gambling!!

The FIRST STEP is - Realising that help does exists..... apnd next step is to be willing to seek help .... this is the beginning step of recovery - HONESTY !!!!

Look .. RECOVERY IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION !!! it takes much more than time and effort !!

Where do gamblers go for help in singapore ??
Professionals at NAMS, family service center, religious support group, community service center ? HELP LINE ???

From my own experiences, the chances of rehab through just one of them are slim.... we need a holistic help through out the life journey....

RECOVERY is a JOURNEY and we have to learn to incooperate into my daily life. To many in recovery, life on life's term just simpily sucks

What the problem gamblers and gambling addict needs here is a holistic approach to provide a FRAMEWORK OF HOPE, STRUCTURE, and FRIENDSHIP from those who had lived the recovery successfully adapted to life without compulsive and destrcutive gambling!

This journey can be smooth or reocky but in any case, IT IS NEVER A PAINLESS JOURNEY !

What consistutes a holistic and effective recovery program ?? In my own views .....

1) it must be able to help gamblers to undercuts denial, projection and rationalisation.

2) it must help gamblers to identify the serious implications of gambling.

3) it must demands honesty and responsibility.

4) it must be able to help the gamblers to identify tand correct their character problems.

5) it must be able to give affection, personal concern and support for the problem gamblers and their family members, to learn how to live life on life's term.

6) it must have a program to help problem gamblers to develops sustitues for the void left by gambling.

7) AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, it Must be non-judgmental and sincere.

Again, this is in my own personal opinion.... but where to get such a facility in singapore?? there's none able to provide such a holistic support.

""ARE WE READY TO PROVIDE SUCH A SUPPORT, A HOLISTIC CENTRE FOR PROBLEM GAMBLERS AND THEIR FAMILY??""

I was very fortunate to be able to do one year of FULL TIME recovery back in year 2007. Each day, i did avg of 3 meetings. I attended recovery support group meeting in IMH, WE CARE, ONE HOPE. I attended courses on addictions, attended regular counseloring sessions, group therapy, pyso-education etc on the diseases of addiction. Most importantly, learn simple life skills to re-live my life again.

Each of the center gave me different kind of help and support that I needed for myself and family. Then there are WESLEY social service, CDC and CDAC that i went there for help to cope with Life so that my family is being look after. Not mentioning my kind employer who still pay me half-pay while I was suspended from service. Most importantly, the very kind good doctors I met,the very professional counselors I had, and most importantly, my recovery group which walk the journey with me then for the next couple of years.

I don't how the interview will turn up on the news or whether I will be mis-quoted, so I better give my own version here rather than leave it to the ST reporter to phase it for me.

AGAIN , THIS IS PERSONAL VIEW. There is nothing against any organisation and institutions.

Thank you for coming to my nlog and reading my strength and experiences!!

GOD BLESS

 

................They do not understand that stopping gambling is just a beginning of a very painful journey.. only us, we can understand ...

Accepting My "Best"

In recovery, I don't have to do it any better than I can !!

As long as I have done it to the best of my ability and  要對得起天地良心 , just for this moment, I am able to LET IT GO.

If my best is not good enough, if I have to redo it, then I can do my best in another moment later !!

Striving for excellence is a positive quality BUT striving for perfection is self-defeating !!

There are days when my best is less than what I hoped for ...... I have to learn to let those times go. Start over tomorrow. Work things through, until my best become better !!

Think about it ......



To "Ah Soon"

Hi Ah Soon

Thanks for your email "Ah Soon looking for you @ relaspe 2 June"

I tried to reply you but can't seems to send the mail to you @ "Sherry23", mail keep bouncing back so I decided to write this on the blog so that you could see this.

As you know very well that since Nov 10, I no longer going to Nams as I am not welcome by the professional there or perhaps to quote:  "I am not suitable to be a volunteer there to help people"

Currently, I am having regular kopi sessions at United Square with some of the fellowship as part of recovery meeting. You are always welcome to join us. I will ask Phang to text you when we set up the next mtg.

If you keen to meet me for a 1-1 heart to heart chat, just send me a sms, and we can arrange to meet and chat over kopi.

Meanwhile, please take good care. Instead of continue to try help and rescue other new comers in NAMS, doing those committed "duty" at GAMES, please consider this : "Help yourself and look after yourself first at this stage of recovery.

"Recovery is not about stopping gambling."

"Recovery is a process of change."

"Changes takes time and Changes can only take place with Acceptance and Honesty."

The moment one said he's 70%-80% or 90% recovered, there's where the disease of addiction, the devil will take control !!

Even Till now, I am very much still a gambling addict and my life is still unmanageable!

Regards

Bennie

"1325"

This is that special number ...

"HAUNTED" me for the past 1 month !!!  

This is my favourite number esp when it falls on the month of my birthday in May. I love to buy this number during the month of my birthday and of course in the past during my active addictions, I did strike this number many times ... The stakes were big then ... at times 50big 50 small or 10 bet 120 small ..

Thesedays, I still buy 4D and Toto .... of course stakes are now small $1 big or $2 big and of course no more illegal betting.

Why, so small now ..... "No money mah!!" is it right ???

Or becos Im in recovery ?? Then why must bet ??

Buy small "HOPE" in daily life mah !! Oh yeah ??

What ever the reason was ... the main thing is "BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF!! ONLY YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!!" in this case ... I know the truth and I am responsible for my own actions.

But the stakes got increased drastically during the past 3 weeks as income were good and it falls on the month of my "birthday" ....

The worst thing is for the past 3 weeks, where ever I go, the combination of 1325 kept appearing!!! Damn it.

Car Numbers, Bills, Cash Card value, Reciept Number, Door Number, HP Number, where I go, on the daily basis ... IT JUST KEPT APPEARING IN FRONT OF ME !!!!

Devil playing with me or God Hintint me ... This kept spinning in my head..... And of course I thought to myself...

HOSAY LIAO !!!

IT's COMING,　要來了 .... !!"

Then I started rolling the numbers 1 week before my birthday on the 25th May ..... $1 big roll means $24 .... 1 week 3 draws means - - $72 !!! Plus the actual number $2 big front and back ....

NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION - - DID I STRIKE ??

WOW KAU !!!!!

KENA EAT DRY DRY!!!

So what's the moral of this story ???

Never ever believe "it's coming" wahahaha

Also the more you want it ... the more you won't get it !!! hahahaha

One Bet A Day !!!

One Bet A Day ...... Sounds good and resaonable ??

If the bet per day is restricted to $20-$40 ...... No big deal right ??

That is what I think so .....

Income was good in the month of Apr bcos of the increased assignements ... I paid all the bills on time, given the household and extra money earned to my wife except that ....

I kept that $30- $50 for me on a daily basis for the past 1 month depending on the day earning.

I though to myself, now I could manage this 1 BET per day thingy well .... So I started ...

1 week passed .....then 2 weeks then coming to end of month ......

I haven't being winning at all ..... almost 80% of the tickets ended in the bin .....

Well, I didn't felt the pain as it was money that I could afford ... Still in deep denial ....

Then come 2nd Week of May which I have no more assignments ... OUCH !!!!

Damn ME !!!

How much money I have lost over the One BET per Day thingy .....

$50 x 21 days x 80% = $840!!!

This is not the money I could afford !!! goodness me .....

WHY DIDN't I STOP ...... OR WHY DID I Started it ....

Why didn't I Think of That !!!!


IS THAT TRUE  ??? I have thought of that ... but i made that choice to start .... now I goto "DAMN me " ???

DENIAL .. DENIAL ... DENIAL

Didn't Even Notice I Am Lying

It's a big big problem with me, maybe with all gambling addicts. Always thinking it's ok, no problem, I can handle now .....

Now I have to struggle to stop that "ONE BET A DAY" disease in me .... and damn !!! It's always so easy to get it going but so tough to come to a complete stop ....

Haizz ....

需要- - - 想要！！！ （Need Or Want)

Recently I had done something which even amazed myself ..... I was caught it a personal battle of thoughts ...



"Do I Really Need It ?? " or "Do I Want to have it ??"

In the past, during my gambling days ... I wouldn't even need to struggle with such thoughts at all. Whatever is being given to me or offered to me, I will just gladly take it with open arms and then justified my "needs" ot "why I take it" with loads of beautiful reasons !!! Exactly the same when I place A BET !!! I have loads of reasons to always justify my next bet .....

Even till today ... Now it seems like the BEST REASON I used to justify when I place my next bet is either

"I am a gambling addict" or

"No harm done, I just buying a HOPE nw. I am not betting like before !!"

Hahaha ..... is it really true ?? There is a still a certain great degree of DENIAL in me. Of course, I need not answer to anyone. I only need to answer to myself. I can lie to the whole world but I wld never lie to myself. I would never want to carry those excess baggages of lies anymore.

DO I WANT TO BET or DO I NEED TO BET ??

Now, back to the incident that lead me to have some thoughts for myself.....

Someone close to me wanted to buy me a laptop .... for the purpose of the work I am doing and helping her .... Initially, I was overwhelmed and delighted as I wanted to have a laptop for a long time. So I gladly accepted it as partly it's work related. So I went around hunting for it and comparing pricing. Once I zoom in to the machine I wanted, I got the money from her and went to it.

However, when I was about to make that payment, there was a huge force opposing me and kept questioning me, "Do you really need it ??" .... it kept haunting me till I back out and walk out of the shop. I ordered a cold drinks, sat down and talk to myself..... What's the problem with me ? Now, I never ask for it, it was offered to me, it's partly work related, why can't I get it ??? BUT the same old questions persist .... DO I NEED IT or is it just purely I WANT IT !!!



After some serious struggle, I then confessed to myself, "I DON't REALLY NEED IT !!!!" No matter what, it's still other people hard earned money and If I doing ok and coping ok without a laptop, then why use the money .... on the other hand, it may start to divert my attention from my daily lifes again .....

I quietly calm myself down. Tell myself it's the right thing to do and return home and told my wife my decision of not getting the laptop. Then my wife asked, " Did you think of using the money to gamble today ?"  hahaha

The next day, I returned the money. Then I felt a sense of joy ..... but somehow as the day went by, in the night, I felt aggitated again .... for watever reasons I'm unclear !!! But I didn't dwell in the thoughts and went to bed early.....

I am indeed amazed with myself and I believed when I return the money and explaining to the person why I decide against buying, I think she wld be amazed too bcos in the past, this won't happen......

So have recovery change me ??? When people ask me, I prefer to leave it to the people close to me to answer this question ....

But do you still place a bet ??? When people ask me this, I prefer to say the truth, yes I do. And I still enjoying it very much especially over  soccer games....

But why do you wana bet ??? hahaha now instead of using my standard answers, I have to start question myself ...

DO I WANT TO BET or DO I NEED TO BET ??