WHY GAMBLING ADDICT CAN'T STOP

This is a post which I done in 2008 when I was two years in my recovery journey ...

I did a inventory of myself, in situations during my active and destructive gambling days ...

"WHY I SIMPLY CANNOT STOP GAMBLING ...... "

Why should I stop ?

I am just out of luck, suay and out of bullets at the moment.

I win before and I have a system that works.

I will rest for now, fine tune my system and once I gather my bullets, I will try win back everything. 
I will follow strictly the rules I set for myself.

hahaha this tune is constantly playing in my mind even after 7 years in recovery. 
This music kept playing over and over again during my years of destructive gambling, especially after each bailout of my debts.

NOW THIS IS A REAL HAPPENING >>>

Recalling, one desperate Sunday night in 2006, when I was left with $500 bucks in my on-line betting account, I need to make a repayment of more that $40k worth of debts on the next day......

I kneel down infront of my Higher Power, get joss sticks burnt my own hands and swear infront of my higher power, if you help me overturn my losses tonight, I will never gamble again !!

Then I started tossing 2 coins to get HIS indication for the 5 LA LIGA games I selected and of course I won !! Won big in the parley bet. $64K in all.

But did I stop ...... Need to guess ??

Insanity right !! That's a Gambling Addict in Denial ....

Many gamblers would have said .... "I would have stop if I were in your shoes"

YES, i agreed. If you are not a gambling addict ...

There is alot of different , and in the field of addiction, there is many different type of gamblers

1) Professional Gamblers (which is one I aspired to be !!! HaHa)
2) Social Gamblers
3) Recreational Gamblers
4) Anti-Social Gamblers
5) Escape Gamblers
6) Problem Gamblers
7) Pathological Gamblers (Gambling Addict - - ME !!)

However, to many .... all these are bullshits ....

Gamblers are simply GREEDY and has no MORAL VALUES .....
（贪念，不脚踏实地， 想一步登天！！）


Now here is the list of inventory that I did back then .... "why I can't stop"

1) No Desire to Stop, still in the winning-chasing-losing-bailout cycle ....

2) No need to stop .... there's still bailout available .... there's still enablers ...

3) Why stop ....There's chance to fight back everyday ..... stop means “die” to most gambling addict

4) Cashless punting with illegal bookie and readily available loan-sharks has made it more attractive for addict to continue chasing losses. There are chances and opportunities for me to fight back each day. Even legal betting are catching up with times !! How to stop ??

5) A master of manipulation and great constructor of wonderful “stories” which often allows addict to obtain the desired bail-out.... rest and fight back again .... must pay back money quickly .....

6) GAMBLING IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEMS ...... quickest way to solve my problems .. I have done it before ..

7) I Love my game ... why should I stop ... maybe i just rest for a while .... I can control myself ....

8) Fear ...... Want to stop but Afraid to stop ..... do want to lose everything ... the will to fight back has been reinforce over the years ..... 

9) Surrender never on the cards .... Acceptance of “I'm a Loser in the game” not possible .. I DONE IT BEFORE !!

10) Previous Big Wins stills ringing bells in the memory ..... it will happen again, bcos it happened before ....

11) It can't be ...... I won't keep losing forever ..... It will come ..... Maybe the next time ....

12) False belief in “Luck cycle” ... Luck cycle goes up and down... It will go up again ...

13) The false dreams of huge win, restoring one's status and hoping to prove a point to prove to others that we are ok and can be a control gambler

14) One more try and I will stop (if I hit the jackpot) ........

15) Gambling has become one's best pal and companion ..... gambling addict goes into the trance state, being controlled by the addict within .... The relationship which addict had with this addictive personality has since developed into as intense and intimate relationship.

16) Gambling Addict just don't have the capacity to be HONEST ..... always never honest with my debts .... always hid some amount to protect my own ego and continue to fight back to clear it myself ...

17) Don't wanna to lose face .... in Asian context, especially chinese, "face", pride and ego are huge factors which causes the addict to continue gambling ...

18) Shame factor ... too much to lose if stop ...... too shameful facing the debts, shame and disgrace .....

19) Guilt factor .... leading from shame ... don't want to see famliy "suffer" not realising that family had been suffering for many years during his destructive gambling ...... Would rather fight till the last penny !!

20) The so call "instict" within the gamblers..... it's coming ..... next one .... this should the right moment ... I have this "feel" ...... the insane mind of the addict ....

FOR A GAMBLING ADDICT
Stopping gambling is difficult,
Staying stop is extremely difficult
Facing Reality is painful and stressful
Meeting life on life's term just SUCKS

That's why we need all the help and support we can get ... and also to follow to a possible recovery recipe in our daily routine .....

To break the intimate relationship with one best pal (Gambling) over the years is not a easy task that can happen over night. Recovery is a process of change ....

A Process of unlearning the old - accepting the past - relearning the new - practicing daily

LIVING A DAY AT A TIME

Talk is always easy ....... 

so my dear friends .... stop talking about recovery and what you will do ...

JUST DO IT !!

CHASING LOSSES ????

Last Day of World Cup 2014 ???

SUFFER BIG LOSSES ....... Not end of the world !!!!

PLEASE DON'T TREAT IT AS A WIN OR DIE MISSION FOR TODAY GAME !!!!

For those new to gambling addiction, you may want to know that One feature of compulsive gambling is ‘loss chasing’. 

Loss chasing occurs when a gambler continues to gamble in the face of great losses in hopes of winning their money back. In the disease of gambling addiction, this is the stages of development ..

While someone who is a moderate, social gambler might quit after losing a certain amount of money, a compulsive gambler will keep going, risking losing much more than they can afford in an effort to recover their losses. 

ARE YOU CHASING LOSSES ....

ONLY YOU HAVE THE ANSWER .... BUT DON'T deceive yourself

BUT if you are wondering where you are right now ..... 

READ THIS

"those who participated in “chasing losses” valued the possible reward of winning over the fear of risk " 

Meaning While someone who does not compulsively gamble might be able to weigh the pros and cons of continuing to gamble after losing a significant amount of money, the brain of a compulsive gambler appears to be unable to handle this process.

DEAR PUNTERS ....

Before you place the next bet ..... 

if you have to, need to and want to place the next bet ....

Think about your family, your love ones,

BET SAFELY !!!!

IF YOU ARE THINKING OF YOUR MONTHLY BILLS AND ALL YOUR DEBTS

TRUST ME .... 

YOU SURE WHACK IT TONITE !!!!

Tough love

How many of us really understand what is LOVE ???

And how many of us in recovery really understand what is the meaning of  "TOUGH LOVE" ??

Initially I don't .....

When my parent refuse to bail me out during my rock bottom back in 2006 ....
It's Tough Love

When my family insisted that I go for treatment at IMH .....
It's Tough Love

When they told me to face trial and accept my punishment ....
It's Tough Love 

When my wife is firm with me during the early recovery period ...
It's Tough Love  

When I lost my job, my ego, my pride and was forced to start everything afresh ...
It's Tough Love


Despite not able to trust me fully again ..... Despite not able to forget what I did in the past ..

THEY STAND BY ME ..... ALL THESE WHILE ....

Allowing me time to change and grow up again .....

THIS IS TOUGH LOVE !!!!!

In Trouble Times ........

Dear fellow recovery friends

There are many trouble times in our recovery journey .... but do remember this

"In times of adversity, stay calm, deep breath, and don't rush things. Use our limited resources carefully, if not it will turn our situation even worst." 

At the end of the day, our family will suffer the most ...

Don't make the rush things. What will happen will happen one day.

Keep going ...

It is never easy.....

Trust me.....

All things seems going well in the family, then one day .....

One similar situation, like one in the past, happened.....

I thought perhaps after seven years in recovery and making so much changes, they wld now trust me and have faith in me that I will not go back to my old ways.....

BUT I WAS WRONG......

THE SAME DOUBT.....
THE SAME NO FAITH....
THE SAME LACK OF TRUST....

I was upset initially...... Thinking why still no faith and trust in me..... Started to get angry..

Then I just kept quiet .... And walk away...

It took me a while .... One whole night in fact ... To change the negative to positive...

AT least ... THEY ARE STILL BY MY SIDE ... AND WALKING THE JOURNEY WITH ME...

THEY DIDN'T ABANDON ME....

so.....

Wake up... Maintain my silence....

But give them a hug....

And start our day all over again.

THe pain.....
Can be forgiven...
But won't be forgotten....

Keep going BENNIE.

Things Ain't Going My Way ...

If things ain't not going my way or according to plan .... 

There need to be changes .... 

And There is ONLY one thing that need to be changed .....

That's ME !!!



and If I have made the extra effort to change .... and still changing and yet things still ain't going smoothly and not in place yet ...

Then 

KEEP THE FAITH !!! That's all we can do ..

But I have to admit that ..... CHANGE IS NEVER EASY ..... 

WHY ??

So take it Easy in Recovery .....

One Step @ a Time, One Change @ a Time, & One Day @ a Time !!

Anger is Never a Good Response

When I walk to recovery back in end 2006 ...... I was angry..
Very angry... With people , places and things.

As I travel in this recovery journey, still I am angry.....

Why people , places and things still treated me like this even I have stop gambling....

A wise teacher , then ask me "have you change ??"

I responded strongly....
" I have stopped my compulsive gambling.... I have started working... I bring back money now..  I take care of things at home..... !! Are they blind to all these ...."

The wise teacher just smile at me and walk away......


Then I realised...... I am still the same old me............ full of anger and frustration....
and just one angry response...

It can just simply destroy everything that I have built in recovery....

So what if You are CLEAN after 23 years .....

Hi ....

This is my first post in year 2014 ...... Have not been wanting to write for a long time till I saw post on the news couple of  days ago ...

Actually i didn't think much about as this ...  But when I understand he was a drug addict and was clean for 23 years , still attending meetings .... I was then taken aback .....

Many recovering communities (A.A, N.A) around the world was talking about it .... and many was frighten by the fact that after being clean for 23 years ..... HE WAS ON IT AGAIN ...

ONE OF THE HEADLINE of the TODAY 's paper in Singapore read

"Actor Mr.Hoffman's death frightens others recovering from addiction"

Part of the article states ...

"Mr.Hoffman ws as clean for 23years... Attended meetings ... He seemed to be an ideal role model when he was sober.......after bring clean for 23 years....he died from an apparent overdose of heroin...."

The cruel fact about this = = is that it apply to kinds of addictions..... Not only just the alcoholic and drug addicts..
Gambling addicts like us too...

The kind of temptations that we faced daily in our lives today is unbelievable ...

so is it a good excuse or is it just normal that "relapses" happens  ??

At certain stage of my recovering ard 3years ago.... I did ask myself such a question too...
What do i have to do to avoid such a situation .....

Many after clean for many many years ... relapsed and never get back up...
Some ended their life .... due to many reasons such as stress, guilt, shame, overwhelming debts, pressure from the family and society ... 

PERHAPS you have heard alot from the professionals, the experts .... and in the meeting room..

here's something from someone ... that's me who have been struggling with my new life since started recovery 7 years ago..

I WAS REALLY STRUGGLING THEN  ...... One respectable master told me ..
"Bennie, you need only to change one thing ... THAT's YOU !!"

Keep things simple ..... keep your life simple 

HOW ???

Begin by taking the first step..... and the first step for me to change is NOT to be angry.

many of you like me .... can't be happy after we stop using or gambling ..... so in order to start to feel happy again .... begin by not being angry with people places and things ...

The more anger that I kept inside .... The  more likely I wld want to go back to my addiction again ...

Taking the first step is never easy ... 

We can never change the people around us ... no matter how many clean years we have or how long we have stop using...... The amount of hurt, pain and harm we have caused them, will not go away just becos I HAVE STOP USING OR I HAVE STOP GAMBLING ..... 

Then how can I manage my expectation better during my recovery .... this is critical as it defines how I will react during those very emotional times...

KEEP THESE 2 IN MY MIND ALWAYS .... 

 \

And Im being told to remember the law of KARMA ... I cannot change the past ... but I can make a difference to my future with my actions now .

What if I fall and slip again ........ GET UP instead of crying and sulking ..... don't let it become destructive .... stop the fire before it starts burning wildly...


Recovery 
.... is not about how many fights i win ....
.... is not about how many people i have proven .... is not about how long I have clean ...

IT IS ABOUT PICKING MYSELF UP AGAIN EACH TIME I FAILED ...

Dear All ..

TO ALL RECOVERING ADDICTS LIKE ME....



IF YOU FALL..GET BACK UP ON YOUR FEET..GET BACK TO MEETING..GET HELP AGAIN...
IT'S OK.

If something just didn't go your way ... people, job, things,  .... 
don't give up .... keep the faith and keep trying why ....

RECOVERING IS A JOURNEY....


WE SEEK PROGRESS...

NOT PERFECTION...

THERE CAN BE NEVER BE PERFECTION

But Bennie, what if life keep giving you SHIT !!!! I won't be able to take it all the time ....

This is exactly my reflection for year 2013 ... FULL of shit in my life .....

Hope you guys enjoying reading this ..... and My prospective of RECOVERY ...

IT IS NOT ABT STOP USING OR GAMBLING ....

IT IS ABOUT 
CHANGING MYSELF, 
KEEPING IT SIMPLE

AND DEAL WITH LIFE ON LIFE's TERM ......

IN SUCH A MANNER .... ANY SLIP, FALL, FAILURE, RELAPSE .... 
WON'T BE FATAL AND WILL GIVE US ANOTHER CHANCE IN LIFE .....

NOTHING IS FOR SURE  ........ Keep the faith !!!

Another Failure ?? Another Slip ?? Another Bet ??

So what will happen if you meet any failure in life ??

It was rather disturbing .... but motivating for me recently when I catch up with a long time recovery buddy.

His world completely collapsed  after he worked hard for the past 6-7 years to rebuilt his life. At a certain point back then, he climb up the ladder fast and well in the F&B industry ..... I was full of envy for him then ... He got this break, taken his chance and did well then ....

Now it was completely shattered ...... why ??

THAT's NOT IMPORTANT .....  not important for us to know the reason and what caused the downfall//
People, places and things all played a part in it ....

BUT what can we do .....
ESPECIALLY during recovery ... WHEN WE MEET ANOTHER FAILURE IN LIFE ..

Or we slip and gone back to gambling (but not yet destructive like before)

Things happened for a reason ...... but many times we do not need to know the reason ..

IT'S DONE AND OVER WITH.

MOST IMPORTANTLY ,,,,, I HAVE TO DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING !! and don't allow the failure to drag me down again.

This picture really inspired me AND I DON'T USE IT AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANOTHER FAILURE

Every failure ... Every Slip  ... Every Fall ..... I will learn the lessons well. All these failures, setbacks must not make me bitter and drag me down again ...

They are part of my success .... 
They are part of my learning experience to build my foundation for success if I learnt the lesson well ...

Easy to say then done ??? 
I'm not here to convince anyone ..... 
I'm here to share and to learn ... and I'm still learning and growing in recovery.

Life in recovery is always under construction.

It's a journey ..
............. that I may not reach my destination ......
............. A journey that may not be accident free ....

But i will keep in as safe as enjoyable as possible.

A Disease that can HIT AnYone ..

Woke up to this piece of news ....

Not surprising but just amazing ...

Coming from a Agency that report directly to PM !!

Recently in Singapore .... many high ranking govt officials got involved with such scandals..

From CNB to SCDF .... to now CPIB ???

SEX - MONEY - MAN !!!

Nothing surprising ... just amazing ... LOOK this man is only 39!!!

Now look at what the money is used for ...

GAMBLING HABIT !!!!!!

regardless of your age ....
regardless of your moral values ...
regardless of your high qualification ...
regardless of your high ranking sensitive POST ...
regardless whether you report to Prime Minister, to your Wife or to your parents or even to GOD 

Regardless of how smart, how intelligence , how loyal , how faithful, how outstanding you are ..


GAMBLING ADDICTION 
is a CUNNING, POWERFUL and BAFFLING Disease THAT CAN HIT ANYONE
.......

Losing Emotions ..... Don't Fall back into the Trap

I hate losing .... I dislike losing feeling ..... I dread the unlucky cycle !!!

It's very easy for a gambling addict to fall back into the gambling cycle again .... So during your recovery journey, it's important for you to work on your awareness, your emotions and your safety net against falling back into the trap.....

If you "Fall" ..... Quickly pick up yourself from the slippery slope, and prevent yourself from the free fall .... Don't sit there and cry, hit yourself and go into the mode of self-blaming and self destruction. Start climbing up the slope of recovery again!



When I admitted "I am a gambling addict", I understand that my brain function differently from normal people. The chemical in my brains are not balance anymore ..... Add on the the years of the false belief system, it's really a life-time battle. If I don't get it right this time, next time, doesn't mean I am a failure. As long as I have done my very best for that particular moment, to the best of my ability, it's ok.



In recovery, we seek progession and not prefection !!

So in order not to get trap back into it again, beware of the following emotions on the cycle of gambling

There is a well known pattern found in problem gambling. People with a gambling problem usually experience such emotions. The gambling cycle will continue until some significant commitment to due with these emotions .....

(1) Desire to Escape Emotional Crisis (self, at home or at work)
(2) Desire for Quick Money
(3) The Win  may be used to pay debts
(4) Start Chasing the Loss, feelings of panic and despair can drive a person to chase what has been lost.
(5) More Loss - Not accepting past losses. Believing that you are entitled to win more.

(6) Financial Crisis Again, being in further debt. Start borrowing.
(7) Greed

(8) Emotional Crisis

• Disappointment and dejection
• Great sense of remorse
• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
• Broken promises to self and others
• Guilt and Shame.
• Damage to self-esteem creates a need for a coping strategy - escaping the crisis by gambling (relapse).

(9) Finally - Dread,the intense reluctance to face THE situation. IN DEEP DENIAL


So, take care of yourself, your emotion well-being..... seek help early by talking to another recovery person. Don't wait till you fall all the way down the slippery.

Many of us in recovery found emotional relief right from the moment we started sharing the "truth". We were tired of pretending that our addiction and our lives were under control; it actually felt good to finally admit they weren’t.



After sharing our inventory honestly, we began to feel like we didn’t have to deny who we were or what we felt in order to be accepted. When we’d finished making our amends, we knew we didn’t have to suffer with guilt; we could own up to it and it wouldn’t kill us. The more we worked our recovery program, the better we felt about living life as it came to us, even if we have a slip or relaspe. But we could prevent ourselves from going back to destructive gambling!!

By taking stock of our day, getting honest about our part in it, and surrendering to reality, we can survive the feelings life throws our way. By using the tools available to us, we’ve developed the ability to survive our emotions.



Remember, it's not the end of the world. We all being through this before. Try and Try again.

In recovery, it's one day at a time, easy does it, turn it over.

~~ I AM ADDICTION ~~

In my early recovery, someone gave this GA-literature to me ...... I am currently working my steps for coming back up from a slippery slope .... perhaps I should call it a full mental relapse ....


I didn't go back to full destructive gambling .... but the mind and emotion was already there and I was on the verge of going back .... the thoughts were so real, so frightening and scary.


Thank God that I am in recovery, and I decided to call it quit for the moment but I still cannot accept that "this is not my game anymore".... It's a real struggle. A struggle for life. I spoke to my wife and Thank God she was supportive and understanding.


Many ask .. What is addiction .... Here's the answer from "itself" - Addiction

I Am Addiction

I start in small subtle ways promising many things
I promise you enjoyment and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams,
I deliver guilt & despair more horrible than your worst nightmare,
I promise you power & courage,I give you feelings of powerlessness & hopelessness,

I will force you to live in fear always,
I promise you relief and escape from all your daily problems,
I create for you greater problems than you ever imagined,
I promise you many friends, I allow you only isolation,
I promise happiness, I create much sorrow,


I will steal from you your dignity ,your families, your friends, your children, your homes, your demons, your spirit & your life, for love, freedom & happiness are impossible to find in my presence, So never underestimate me,


I am devious & manipulating, I have no preferences as to who I pick as my victim, rich or poor, young or old, black, white, yellow or red.


I have killed men, women & children, I have no conscience. So if you have met me, always be aware if you think you can beat me that I will be gone from your life and all will go well again.



Never forget that I will always be there, waiting in the dark shadows just around the corner.


I am very patient and I will laugh in your face if I can lure you into my evil world of hell on earth once again.

I Am Addiction