“I didn't choose to be a Gambling Addict"

One of my post back in 2009, and I decide to update it as i think it maybe helpful to some after this World Cup 2014

"I did not choose to become gambling addicts."

When I was young, I had many dreams. There were many times people ask me, my parents or relative or teachers or friends ask, 

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I really didn’t have elaborate dreams of success. I really didn't know what I want to do or achieved. Most of the time I just simply said normal routine of life lor .... work, families, and a future of dignity and respect.

But no one has ever ask me , 

“Do you want to be a gambling addict when you grow up?”

I didn’t choose to become a GAMBLING addict, and now I am told ... that I cannot choose to stop being a gambling addict..... huh ... wtf ??? 

I was told I have the disease of addiction. They even shown me the American Medical stuff ... DSM IV manual ..... trying to convince me ....

What ?? ...... then I was told again I am not responsible for having this disease, but I am responsible for my recovery. 

I thought having learned that I am just like those sick people with chronic disease and that there is a way of recovery, I can move away from blaming circumstances—or myself —and into living the solution.

I told people around me when they start to attack me on my past again ... "I didn’t choose addiction, but I can choose recovery." .... they all said bullshit you.... you are just pure greedy, unrealistic fool who can't put your feet on the ground, dreaming of winning big and having an easy life through gambling .... this is pure lazy, and lies to cover all your wrong doings !!!

What say you ....... ??? What do you think .....

No matter what they say ..... But one thing for sure ... right from the beginning .... 

“I didn't choose to be a Gambling Addict"

Tough love

How many of us really understand what is LOVE ???

And how many of us in recovery really understand what is the meaning of  "TOUGH LOVE" ??

Initially I don't .....

When my parent refuse to bail me out during my rock bottom back in 2006 ....
It's Tough Love

When my family insisted that I go for treatment at IMH .....
It's Tough Love

When they told me to face trial and accept my punishment ....
It's Tough Love 

When my wife is firm with me during the early recovery period ...
It's Tough Love  

When I lost my job, my ego, my pride and was forced to start everything afresh ...
It's Tough Love


Despite not able to trust me fully again ..... Despite not able to forget what I did in the past ..

THEY STAND BY ME ..... ALL THESE WHILE ....

Allowing me time to change and grow up again .....

THIS IS TOUGH LOVE !!!!!

In Trouble Times ........

Dear fellow recovery friends

There are many trouble times in our recovery journey .... but do remember this

"In times of adversity, stay calm, deep breath, and don't rush things. Use our limited resources carefully, if not it will turn our situation even worst." 

At the end of the day, our family will suffer the most ...

Don't make the rush things. What will happen will happen one day.

Keep going ...

It is never easy.....

Trust me.....

All things seems going well in the family, then one day .....

One similar situation, like one in the past, happened.....

I thought perhaps after seven years in recovery and making so much changes, they wld now trust me and have faith in me that I will not go back to my old ways.....

BUT I WAS WRONG......

THE SAME DOUBT.....
THE SAME NO FAITH....
THE SAME LACK OF TRUST....

I was upset initially...... Thinking why still no faith and trust in me..... Started to get angry..

Then I just kept quiet .... And walk away...

It took me a while .... One whole night in fact ... To change the negative to positive...

AT least ... THEY ARE STILL BY MY SIDE ... AND WALKING THE JOURNEY WITH ME...

THEY DIDN'T ABANDON ME....

so.....

Wake up... Maintain my silence....

But give them a hug....

And start our day all over again.

THe pain.....
Can be forgiven...
But won't be forgotten....

Keep going BENNIE.

Things Ain't Going My Way ...

If things ain't not going my way or according to plan .... 

There need to be changes .... 

And There is ONLY one thing that need to be changed .....

That's ME !!!



and If I have made the extra effort to change .... and still changing and yet things still ain't going smoothly and not in place yet ...

Then 

KEEP THE FAITH !!! That's all we can do ..

But I have to admit that ..... CHANGE IS NEVER EASY ..... 

WHY ??

So take it Easy in Recovery .....

One Step @ a Time, One Change @ a Time, & One Day @ a Time !!

Anger is Never a Good Response

When I walk to recovery back in end 2006 ...... I was angry..
Very angry... With people , places and things.

As I travel in this recovery journey, still I am angry.....

Why people , places and things still treated me like this even I have stop gambling....

A wise teacher , then ask me "have you change ??"

I responded strongly....
" I have stopped my compulsive gambling.... I have started working... I bring back money now..  I take care of things at home..... !! Are they blind to all these ...."

The wise teacher just smile at me and walk away......


Then I realised...... I am still the same old me............ full of anger and frustration....
and just one angry response...

It can just simply destroy everything that I have built in recovery....

Rainbow of Hope

The road of recovery is always under construction ...

And Many Stormy Weather Too...


“There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. In recovery, I have to deal with each one separately, and taking it One day @ a Time and not worry for the next storm.” 

Sometimes in life, you just have to bow your head, say a prayer, keep the faith and weather the storm .....

"After every storm the sun will smile; for every Problem there is a Solution."

Keep Believing in the Rainbow of HOPE .....

Imperfection

The "fear"  word stuck to my mind for the whole day....

Leading me to end the day with meditation on the word
"imperfection"

Quote from a wise teacher.

"Don't think peace of mind only comes once you hv fixed up all yr problems and finished all yr business.

You can only find peace of mind and achieve the meaning of life by embracing the IMPERFECTIONS of life."

Imperfection is the nature of the world.

Make peace with imperfection !

Rest in peace now while I can still enjoy life...

Not when others telling me RIP when im lying in the my grave..

Gd Nite and
Rest in Peace. ! !

Don't give up

No matter how painful it is...

No matter how hopeless it seems..

No matter how many people has given up on us...

Don't ever give up on yourself..

Learning to Let go.. is not giving up.

Recovery is for ourselves and not for others..

It has to be tough...
It has to be painful..
It has to be difficult...

If not... people like me ... wont change..

Hang in there...

Dont ever give up on yourself.

Gambling gave me a pair of glasses

Just overheard this on tv drama..

"Gambling has given me a pair of glasses.... to let me see clearly the people around me... the places.... the society.... the things that are happening..."

How true it was.... it really touches my heart. .. 7years had passed since my downfall..

Most around me in my cirlce left feeling disgusted, angry and disappointed..

I lost everything.... even my own dignity. . Lost my soul.... and nearly wanted to end my life...

But
my parents,
my beloved wife
my 3 lovely kids...

They were so hurt... so much pain..
So much disappointment. . So much tears. ...

BUT THEY NEVER GIVE UP ON ME. Never look down on me

THEY STOOD BY ME ALL THESE WHILE

Allowing me time to change.

Giving me the space to change.

Giving me the understanding to change.

Giving me the chance to change.

Giving me the LOVE to change.

I could see so so clearly with this pair of glasses now..

Now on the hinge side..

Hahaha gambling did something good to me....

Thank you so much for giving me this pair of glasses...

When do we "change"

How true it was for me.....

7 years back.... when I reached my rock bottom in my gambling career. .

I have lost everything....

Facing a broken family...
Devastated parent and wife..
Disgusted and disappointed frens
Lost my high profile job..
Going through bankrupt proceedings
And a jail term in front of me..

How painful can it be...
With so much shame and guilt...

That's was the time I realized that I have no more bullet to fight back..

I have to stop gambling ...

I need to change....

But before I could really start to change. ..

I have to deal with the pain....

It was so painful indeed...

And i wasn't happy then.... filled with so much pain and anger.. i didn't really change... I just stopped !!!

So how and when did the change start.....

This is what i did...
"Just stopped being angry" !!

Only i stopped being angry then i am able to learn how to be happy..

Then there's where changes will start to take place...

Things happened

Everything happened for a reason

Be it spiritual or religious. .

You reap what you sow.. as stated in the bible...

Or be it karma...  as in buddhism..

If it happened to me... it just means that "I deserve it!! No more no less!!"

If it didnt happen to me... it just means that "I dont deserve it !!" Or time is not ripe. ...

Good things happen ...
Bad things happen...

So if I deserve it... it will happened.

No need to run..
No need to chase...
No need to hide...

No matter what happened to me...
"ALL I NEED TO DO... IS TO

STAY HUMBLE..
STAY GRATEFUL..
AND KEEP MY FEET on the ground.!"

Stau focus on tday..
One day at a time.

Interview by ST

ST reporter called me yesterday to do a interview with me over the phone on problem gambling .. AGAIN ??

so when i ask the reporter Janice, wat's the purpose of the report ??

Again, the same reply, - Awareness .. and also to get my opinion on the following issues

1) whether problem gambling is on the rise ?

2) whether help is readily available in singapore and whether they are effective ?

3) whether having Casinos here make it more difficult for gamblers to quit ?

and then to ask me abt my past again....

That clearly showed me the standard and research done by this reporter .... and it also tell me that many still do not understand what is gambling addiction and problem gambling !!!

To many, problem gambling is a moral weakness ... mainly bcos of greed and once you stop gambling, all the problem will be gone !!!

Compulsive gambling is a progressive disorder!!

IT IS AN EMOTIONAL ILLNESS.

As the compulsion rises, the gambler is often forced into a pattern of lying, cheating and stealing to stay in 'action'! wages and stakes also rises, eventually the gambler's money disappear. Obtaining money becomes paramount important, which eventually leads to lying and cheating, borrowing and even embezzling.

Everytime a gambler does that, he or she always rationalized by a very serious and sincere vow to pay back the money!!

then it will leads to loanshark, illegal activities, crime, broken family and even suicide.

To seek help, treatment ... the compulsive gambler has to be willing !! If the gambler is not willing, no one can force him to treatment. The most important is to break out it's destructive behaviuor pattern!! it's not about just stopping gambling!!

The FIRST STEP is - Realising that help does exists..... apnd next step is to be willing to seek help .... this is the beginning step of recovery - HONESTY !!!!

Look .. RECOVERY IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION !!! it takes much more than time and effort !!

Where do gamblers go for help in singapore ??
Professionals at NAMS, family service center, religious support group, community service center ? HELP LINE ???

From my own experiences, the chances of rehab through just one of them are slim.... we need a holistic help through out the life journey....

RECOVERY is a JOURNEY and we have to learn to incooperate into my daily life. To many in recovery, life on life's term just simpily sucks

What the problem gamblers and gambling addict needs here is a holistic approach to provide a FRAMEWORK OF HOPE, STRUCTURE, and FRIENDSHIP from those who had lived the recovery successfully adapted to life without compulsive and destrcutive gambling!

This journey can be smooth or reocky but in any case, IT IS NEVER A PAINLESS JOURNEY !

What consistutes a holistic and effective recovery program ?? In my own views .....

1) it must be able to help gamblers to undercuts denial, projection and rationalisation.

2) it must help gamblers to identify the serious implications of gambling.

3) it must demands honesty and responsibility.

4) it must be able to help the gamblers to identify tand correct their character problems.

5) it must be able to give affection, personal concern and support for the problem gamblers and their family members, to learn how to live life on life's term.

6) it must have a program to help problem gamblers to develops sustitues for the void left by gambling.

7) AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, it Must be non-judgmental and sincere.

Again, this is in my own personal opinion.... but where to get such a facility in singapore?? there's none able to provide such a holistic support.

""ARE WE READY TO PROVIDE SUCH A SUPPORT, A HOLISTIC CENTRE FOR PROBLEM GAMBLERS AND THEIR FAMILY??""

I was very fortunate to be able to do one year of FULL TIME recovery back in year 2007. Each day, i did avg of 3 meetings. I attended recovery support group meeting in IMH, WE CARE, ONE HOPE. I attended courses on addictions, attended regular counseloring sessions, group therapy, pyso-education etc on the diseases of addiction. Most importantly, learn simple life skills to re-live my life again.

Each of the center gave me different kind of help and support that I needed for myself and family. Then there are WESLEY social service, CDC and CDAC that i went there for help to cope with Life so that my family is being look after. Not mentioning my kind employer who still pay me half-pay while I was suspended from service. Most importantly, the very kind good doctors I met,the very professional counselors I had, and most importantly, my recovery group which walk the journey with me then for the next couple of years.

I don't how the interview will turn up on the news or whether I will be mis-quoted, so I better give my own version here rather than leave it to the ST reporter to phase it for me.

AGAIN , THIS IS PERSONAL VIEW. There is nothing against any organisation and institutions.

Thank you for coming to my nlog and reading my strength and experiences!!

GOD BLESS

 

................They do not understand that stopping gambling is just a beginning of a very painful journey.. only us, we can understand ...

Something to Share .....

Happy New Year. Wishing all my fellowship and those who happen to read this blog a Blessed, Healthy and Peaceful 2011.

My 1st post in 2011 ..... it's a beginning of a fresh new challenging year and I was hoping for a peaceful and good start to the new 2011.  YET, it's still the same story with many same similar "problems" and "shits" ..... my good buddy Mike, spoke to me, " bro, why everytime same old story and when are you able to clear all these shits ? "

This always sound fimilar during my destructive gambling days ... but now, when no more destructive gambling and face life on life's term, the same old question being thrown at me again ...

hahaha so after all, it's not abt gambling .... it's abt me and how I meet the terms of my life ..... 

But this morning, I met a wise old man who share this with me .... it got me into thinking and giving me a spiritual awakening too ... so I thought perhaps I could write this down to share with you all and perhaps to serve as a constant reminder to me ....

As I was sharing my old "broken record" and my life TV SOAPS with this wise person, he listen attentively, gave me his total attention and making feel important .... then when I came comletely to a stop, he smile and look at him and spoke ...

"Sir, a problem is something with a solution. Since you said there's no solution at this time to the problems that you have mentioned, then, therefore it can't be a problem. How much time have you wasted in your live worrying about things that, at the time, have no solution, so aren't a problem ?"

He continued sharing, with a warm gentle smile on his face, so compassionate making me feel so comfortable listening ...

"Even when it's a problem with solution, it will still require you to make a decision. If you have to make a decision, but you are unsure about the what the decision should be, then you should take a break nad wait. Every solution has it's own destination. If that destination suits you, then take that solution. If not, you wait. There's always another solution coming behind. A good one will always comes, as long as you have the patient to wait. And it usually arrives when you least expected it, and when you are not even thinking about it"

He paused for a while, still with a gentle smile on his face. I thought he maybe looking for my respond so I smile back and gave him a nod of my head, keeing silence and awaiting for him to cont'. He then cont' to share with me a story ....


"A good strong young man, a good swimmer was enjoying a swim in the sea near a beach (not knowing it was a dangerous beach bcos of it's fierce currents. Suddenly he was caught in a strong riptide that began to sweep him out to the sea. At first, he started and tried very hard to swi, against the current as he was drifting away from the shore ...... he struggled and fight , then he realised that the force of the current was too strong for him. He then relaxed, let go and went with the flow, letting the current carrying him. After a while, the current diminished and ONLY then di he start swimming back to the shore using every bit of his reserved energy, giving everything he got. He eventually got back to the shore, totally exhausted. BUT he was very certained that if he would continue to fight the current, he would been beaten and wouldn't have made it back."

"Just like your sea of life ..... when the "current" is stronger than you, that is the time to let go and go with the flow. When you are able to be effective and do something, that is the time to put effort and give your everything"

I ask him, "how do i know there's really nothing esle that I can do ? "

He replied, "If you done the best of your ability, if you have tired, you can't think of anything else, then there's nothing else you can do .... so don't do anything, and go enjoy a cup of tea" hahaha as he started laughing ...

"Sir, Life is like those long running TV SOAPS, which many doesn't have neat ending. Life is forever in the process of change and completion. Moreover, in life, we are often caught in situations, where we don't know where to go, what to do as both ways seem just as bad .....

But in every DIRE situations, there is always some honey dripping from somewhere. If you are wise, you will put out your tongue and enjoy some of that honey, instead of wasting time thinking of a solution when there is no solution.That's our life, so why waste the moments of honey even in the most desparate of troubles. The future is uncertain and we never can be sure what's coming next" ....

Wow ..... what enlightening conversation for me ..... is really a spiritual awakening .....

These words of wisdom meant alot to me, so I thought perhaps I can share these gifts of wisdom with all of you here and hopefully can be of help to the critical problems you faced in life.

Have a nice day ahead !!  

What rubbish ... but it's true ..... I need mercy !!

Since released from behind bars, my life are progressing nicely.... God has shown me lots of grace, mercy and favours. Things are going good, getting better and each month in recovery brings more material and spiritual gifts.

My wife started to save a little money in the piggy bank. I am still letting her control all the money bcos I just cant handle money. We had a little new small car for me to get ard my job which required me to move around swiftly, and the rebuilding of relationship with my love ones are making good progress.

I started to havve a little self-confidence, and my faith in God Power is growing. Then, something happens....... Unexpected past debtors turn up, my elderst kid chalked up a hefty mobile bill, my love ones started to take me for granted, hurtful remarks and abusive words being spat at me, daily work getting tougher and more stressful, I started to fall sick ... all happening at the same period.

Right away, I felt anger, and felt victimized. “Where’s the justice?” I wailed. I told myself I had enough!!! I have been trying so hard to change for the past 3 years, trying to be a good husband, good father, a good son, a good person ..... why is this still happening to me again and again ???

I was filled with anger and fraustration.... I was sick but no one bothers...... I need a rest but work need to be done as this the critical stage of the year ..... I cant handle my emotions ... I let it out and there's a huge fight at home ....

Worst of it all, after work for the last 2 days, I didn't go home and buried myself in the betting outlet watching the live soccer games till very late and punting away, chasing the highs in my false belief system trying to beat the bookmakers !!! I foolishly, angrily justified my actions...... But inner-self I struggled .... I felt a great sense of guilt of my actions and reali don't know how to cope .... Suddenly I felt so depressed and hopeless again .... I wanted to seek sexual thrill but I wasn't gona fall into the trap of the devil ...... Lossing my 2 days pay is really very damaging .....

I finally pick up the phone, met a recovery friend and had a chat ..... After that I prayed to God, asking for mercy again ...... Then I take a look back on my own behavior, I found that I’ve been guilty of doing what’s just been done to me. I realize I wouldn’t really want justice—not for myself , and not for others. What I want now and needed now is mercy. I thank my loving God for the compassion I’ve been shown, and I took take some time to appreciate all the precious gifts that recovery brings.

I went back home, humbling ask for forgiveness, confess my actions and pass the remaining money to my wife again. I went to my eldest kid room, and said "Daddy is sorry" ......

I am still learning ... I am still in the process of change .... I notice once I think I am in control again, the devil of the disease of addiction always there to take control again..... so powerful, so cunning, so blaffing......... I am powerless over my life, my addiction, people, places and things around me. I have to let go of all control and let God.

Filling the Void .... Emptiness

During my destructive gambling, I could never get enough betting activities or money, or sex, or anything else. Even too much was never enough! Soccer betting is my only pleasure-able desire ...... There was a spiritual emptiness inside me.

In recovery, though I tried as hard as I could to fill that emptiness myself, I never succeeded... whenever I can't cope with life on life's term, I can't cope with the pressure cooker around me ..... I always go back to seek that "pleasure" within me which I desired so much, which has helped me to cope with my life for the past 28 years .... Though, I did it with lots of safety net by placing a small bet .... BUT DEEP INSIDE ME, I knew that's no such thing as safe bet, control bet ..... I am just seeking justification and immediate gratification. I am playing with fire again.

The worst thing is that my wife has saw my changes, consistence behaviour....... and when she noticed I am troubled and when I confessed to her I placed a small $5-$10 bet on a game, she said "it's ok. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing well. Just saty honest, remain this small bet and don't be out of control again" ... this is also enabling me ..... I felt shitty about this and I need to address this again..... Ï am really powerless over the addiction .......

"I have the desire to stop but I, too have that desire to be a good punter"

"I don't want to go back to my destructive behaviour but I am playing with Fire again"

Addiction is a chronic, cunning, powerful and blaffing disease ....

I then realised that I have yet to make that decision - "It's not my game anymore".

I have not surrender completely........ This is my real life struggle with addiction at the moment...... especially when everything seems to be going well for me, and when the wound started to heal well ... I thought it's ok for me if I can handle..... "didn't I felt the same way after every bail-out I had in the past "??

In the end of the day, I realized that I lacked the power to fill the emptiness; it would take a Power greater than myself to do that. I have to stop control betting, and stop trying to fill the emptiness in my gut with things with yet another compulsive behaviour, stop the false belief system from gaining control of me again....... when I am getting well, the addict is doing push up quietlt at one corner, waiting for the righ moment to give another knock out punch ..... I started to fear again...... I need help.

Today, I will turn to my Higher Power, asking for HIS care, strength, and direction. I believed slowly, my inner emptiness will be filled with HIS LOVE for me. GOD, help me pls ......

For now, bAck to the basic again .... STEP 1-3

“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment.”

Matthew 6:34
## Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own ##

Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us, like me, who’ve dodged it for so long. I dare not face it because I can't handle it....... I kept escaping into my world of fantasy, and false belief. I often thought, money is the solution to all my problems and I seriously believed it for years, since I started to place my first bet - of course I won.

In the past, I believed that "Money" was the cause of all my problem and "Gambling" was the only solution I know.

When I stopped gambling, I came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming...

• The overwhelming debts which I have to salute myself because I never even realized it was so huge, beyond my own imagination...


• The broken relationships around me which seems beyond repair, perhaps not in this life time.... making amends is a dreadful and haunting tasks


• The betrayal of my marriage was extremely damaging and painful for my wife......


• The lost of employment, spending time behind bars, the discrimination I faced in the community, the bankruptcy order, feeding the family ....


• And the past will always catch up with me ......

I often think that maybe I can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. I am so powerless of my addiction, my emotions, my life, the people, places and things around me !!! These thoughts feed themselves, and many at times, I was paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life. Many of times, in any conflicts at home, with people around me, the past often catch up with me. I am in recovery but they are not ..... Many still can't forget and let go of the pain I inflicted on them...... who can .... They may have forgiven me, but they will not forget the hurt, the pain I caused upon them. It is just too much for them to handle. So in many conflicts, I will be constantly reminded about what I have done in the past. I am being disqualified. I can't even defend myself now even it was about the past...... I suck my thumb, text a recovery friend, process my emotions and let the tears flow inwards.

I am grateful that I started recovery, surrendering in Jan 2007. I began my journey of recovery, stay in recovery till now and will always be in recovery.

• I don't have to win now


• I don't have to be in control now


• I don't have to provide any solution now


• I learn to accept the fact of the past, the cruelty of the present and the uncertainty of tomorrow


• I understand they are the victims of my addictions


• I just don't have to fix anything now

However, for me - Life sucks. I know I have to learn to enjoy little things in my life now. Honestly, I am grateful for the new lease of life that God has given me, but that doesn't mean I am happy. Perhaps I need to re-learn the meaning of "contentment"........

For this very moment, I don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so I learn to take them one at a time. I take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. In recovery, I learn to stay sober, sane and sincere just for today, and I approach my problems the same way.

When I live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect afterall.
One breath at a time, I can stay sober and learn to live.

Just for today, I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.

Financial Fears

Since released .... I had been so strong, so brave, so trusting for so long. I has worked courageously at being grateful for what I had, while setting financial goals and working at believing I deserved something better ...

I had put up with so much poverty, so much deprivation since surrendering for treatment ... since the day I admitted "Im powerless over my gambling addiction ..... " . Daily, I work the Eleventh Step. I worked so hard at praying for the knowledge of God's will for me only, and the power to carry it through. I believe I was doing what I needed to do in my life. I was doing my best, working my hardest, one day at a time.

And there just wasn't enough money. Life had been a struggle in many ways, but the financial struggle seemed endless.

Money isn't everything, BUt it takes money to solve certain problems. At times, I was just so sick of people telling me "let go and let GOD do the rest" ..... I was sick of acting and pretending everything is gona be ok and GOD will rescue me ..... and acting as if I head enough money. Everyday, I have to work so hard just to learn to "LET GO" of the pain and the fear anbout not having enough family to feed my family, keep my shelter intact, pay for medical bills, kids education etc. .....

Actually, looking back, there were times I was happy. I had found my soul and regain my sanity in poverty. BUT now that I had my soul, my sanity and my self, I WANTED some money too.

Many times while I was struggling in pain and fear, I heard GOD speak to me in silent ....

"YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN CHILD. NOT UNLESS YOU WANT TO. I TOLD YOU THAT I WOULD TAKE CARE OF YOU. AND I WILL"

Great I though. Thanks alot. I believe you and trust you. BUT LOOK AROUND .... I have no money ... I am running out of resources ..... I thought again - - - "YOU LET ME DOWN"

Again I hear HIS voice ...

"YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN.YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID. I PROMISED TO MEET ALL YOUR NEEDS".

I went around trying to solve the money problem my ways ..... hahaha at times still praying for GOD to grant my wife a big WIND-FALL in all the luck draws contest she took part in ..... it never happen ....

Day by Day it passes, I still have enough to feed the family, I still have enough means and support for my family necessity ..... there are helps given to me by various social services ..... I was given more and more part-time assignments , projects .... and I am starting to bring enough home ...

Since that day I surrender ..... I have had hard times, but I have never had to go without - - not for more than a moment in time.

Now, I have just enough ... I still worry about money becos that seems to be habitual..... I will continue to learn that "I DON'T HAVE TO ...... "

GOD, help me work hard at what I believe is right for me in my life today, and I will trust you for the rest. Help me let go of my fears about money. Help me turn that area over to you, GOD.

~ Serenity Prayers ~

Serenity Prayer

Recovery involves change, and change means doing things differently. The problem is, many of us resist doing things differently; what we’re doing may not be working, but at least we’re familiar with it. It takes courage to step out into the unknown. How do we find that courage?

We can look around ourselves at our support group meeting. There, we see others who’ve found they needed to change what they were doing and who’ve done so successfully.

Not only does that help quiet our fear that change —any change— spells disaster, it also gives us the benefit of their experience with what does work, experience we can use in changing what doesn’t.

We can also look at our own recovery experience. Even if that experience, so far, has been limited to stopping gambling, still we have made many changes in our lives — changes for the good.

Whatever aspects of our lives we have applied the steps to, we have always found surrender better than denial, recovery superior to addiction.

Our own experience and the experience of others in our support group tells us that “changing the things I can” is a big part of what recovery is all about. The steps and the power to practice them give us the direction and courage we need to change. We have nothing to fear.

Just for today:
I welcome change. With the help of my Higher Power, I will find the courage to change the things I can.

~ ARMOUR OF RECOVERY ~

THIS IS AN INTERESTING IDEA SHARED DURING ONE OF THE RECOVERY SUPPORT GROUP MEETING

HELMET

- - OF HOPE in Recovery

BELT OF TRUTH

- - HONESTY is the key to the path of Recovery

BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTOUSNESS

- - To keep us protected from the ARROWS of temptation to GAMBLE or the DESIRE to GAMBLE

BOOTS OF PEACE

- - Honesty will SET you Free ..... Surrendering, Acceptance will bring you PEACE

SHIELD OF FAITH

- - Faith in the Recovery program...... GOD put tears in your eyes to create RAINBOW in your HEART. In Recovery, walk by FAITH and not by SIGHT.

SWORD OF SPIRIT

- - USE the word of GOD, Use prayers to fight the ADDICT WITHIN ..... to fight against any temptation and desire to GAMBLE !!! This is the OFFENSIVE weapon. USE IT !!

FINALLY ....... PRAY DAILY, PRAY OFTEN, PRAY IN EVERYTHING YOU DO IN RECOVERY

HOPE YOU WILL FIND SOME LIGHT IN IT !!

"ONE DAY AT A TIME"

~ EASY DOES IT ~

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