Anger is Never a Good Response

When I walk to recovery back in end 2006 ...... I was angry..
Very angry... With people , places and things.

As I travel in this recovery journey, still I am angry.....

Why people , places and things still treated me like this even I have stop gambling....

A wise teacher , then ask me "have you change ??"

I responded strongly....
" I have stopped my compulsive gambling.... I have started working... I bring back money now..  I take care of things at home..... !! Are they blind to all these ...."

The wise teacher just smile at me and walk away......


Then I realised...... I am still the same old me............ full of anger and frustration....
and just one angry response...

It can just simply destroy everything that I have built in recovery....

Rainbow of Hope

The road of recovery is always under construction ...

And Many Stormy Weather Too...


“There's always another storm. It's the way the world works. Snowstorms, rainstorms, windstorms, sandstorms, and firestorms. Some are fierce and others are small. In recovery, I have to deal with each one separately, and taking it One day @ a Time and not worry for the next storm.” 

Sometimes in life, you just have to bow your head, say a prayer, keep the faith and weather the storm .....

"After every storm the sun will smile; for every Problem there is a Solution."

Keep Believing in the Rainbow of HOPE .....

So what if You are CLEAN after 23 years .....

Hi ....

This is my first post in year 2014 ...... Have not been wanting to write for a long time till I saw post on the news couple of  days ago ...

Actually i didn't think much about as this ...  But when I understand he was a drug addict and was clean for 23 years , still attending meetings .... I was then taken aback .....

Many recovering communities (A.A, N.A) around the world was talking about it .... and many was frighten by the fact that after being clean for 23 years ..... HE WAS ON IT AGAIN ...

ONE OF THE HEADLINE of the TODAY 's paper in Singapore read

"Actor Mr.Hoffman's death frightens others recovering from addiction"

Part of the article states ...

"Mr.Hoffman ws as clean for 23years... Attended meetings ... He seemed to be an ideal role model when he was sober.......after bring clean for 23 years....he died from an apparent overdose of heroin...."

The cruel fact about this = = is that it apply to kinds of addictions..... Not only just the alcoholic and drug addicts..
Gambling addicts like us too...

The kind of temptations that we faced daily in our lives today is unbelievable ...

so is it a good excuse or is it just normal that "relapses" happens  ??

At certain stage of my recovering ard 3years ago.... I did ask myself such a question too...
What do i have to do to avoid such a situation .....

Many after clean for many many years ... relapsed and never get back up...
Some ended their life .... due to many reasons such as stress, guilt, shame, overwhelming debts, pressure from the family and society ... 

PERHAPS you have heard alot from the professionals, the experts .... and in the meeting room..

here's something from someone ... that's me who have been struggling with my new life since started recovery 7 years ago..

I WAS REALLY STRUGGLING THEN  ...... One respectable master told me ..
"Bennie, you need only to change one thing ... THAT's YOU !!"

Keep things simple ..... keep your life simple 

HOW ???

Begin by taking the first step..... and the first step for me to change is NOT to be angry.

many of you like me .... can't be happy after we stop using or gambling ..... so in order to start to feel happy again .... begin by not being angry with people places and things ...

The more anger that I kept inside .... The  more likely I wld want to go back to my addiction again ...

Taking the first step is never easy ... 

We can never change the people around us ... no matter how many clean years we have or how long we have stop using...... The amount of hurt, pain and harm we have caused them, will not go away just becos I HAVE STOP USING OR I HAVE STOP GAMBLING ..... 

Then how can I manage my expectation better during my recovery .... this is critical as it defines how I will react during those very emotional times...

KEEP THESE 2 IN MY MIND ALWAYS .... 

 \

And Im being told to remember the law of KARMA ... I cannot change the past ... but I can make a difference to my future with my actions now .

What if I fall and slip again ........ GET UP instead of crying and sulking ..... don't let it become destructive .... stop the fire before it starts burning wildly...


Recovery 
.... is not about how many fights i win ....
.... is not about how many people i have proven .... is not about how long I have clean ...

IT IS ABOUT PICKING MYSELF UP AGAIN EACH TIME I FAILED ...

Dear All ..

TO ALL RECOVERING ADDICTS LIKE ME....



IF YOU FALL..GET BACK UP ON YOUR FEET..GET BACK TO MEETING..GET HELP AGAIN...
IT'S OK.

If something just didn't go your way ... people, job, things,  .... 
don't give up .... keep the faith and keep trying why ....

RECOVERING IS A JOURNEY....


WE SEEK PROGRESS...

NOT PERFECTION...

THERE CAN BE NEVER BE PERFECTION

But Bennie, what if life keep giving you SHIT !!!! I won't be able to take it all the time ....

This is exactly my reflection for year 2013 ... FULL of shit in my life .....

Hope you guys enjoying reading this ..... and My prospective of RECOVERY ...

IT IS NOT ABT STOP USING OR GAMBLING ....

IT IS ABOUT 
CHANGING MYSELF, 
KEEPING IT SIMPLE

AND DEAL WITH LIFE ON LIFE's TERM ......

IN SUCH A MANNER .... ANY SLIP, FALL, FAILURE, RELAPSE .... 
WON'T BE FATAL AND WILL GIVE US ANOTHER CHANCE IN LIFE .....

NOTHING IS FOR SURE  ........ Keep the faith !!!

Imperfection

The "fear"  word stuck to my mind for the whole day....

Leading me to end the day with meditation on the word
"imperfection"

Quote from a wise teacher.

"Don't think peace of mind only comes once you hv fixed up all yr problems and finished all yr business.

You can only find peace of mind and achieve the meaning of life by embracing the IMPERFECTIONS of life."

Imperfection is the nature of the world.

Make peace with imperfection !

Rest in peace now while I can still enjoy life...

Not when others telling me RIP when im lying in the my grave..

Gd Nite and
Rest in Peace. ! !

Another Failure ?? Another Slip ?? Another Bet ??

So what will happen if you meet any failure in life ??

It was rather disturbing .... but motivating for me recently when I catch up with a long time recovery buddy.

His world completely collapsed  after he worked hard for the past 6-7 years to rebuilt his life. At a certain point back then, he climb up the ladder fast and well in the F&B industry ..... I was full of envy for him then ... He got this break, taken his chance and did well then ....

Now it was completely shattered ...... why ??

THAT's NOT IMPORTANT .....  not important for us to know the reason and what caused the downfall//
People, places and things all played a part in it ....

BUT what can we do .....
ESPECIALLY during recovery ... WHEN WE MEET ANOTHER FAILURE IN LIFE ..

Or we slip and gone back to gambling (but not yet destructive like before)

Things happened for a reason ...... but many times we do not need to know the reason ..

IT'S DONE AND OVER WITH.

MOST IMPORTANTLY ,,,,, I HAVE TO DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING !! and don't allow the failure to drag me down again.

This picture really inspired me AND I DON'T USE IT AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANOTHER FAILURE

Every failure ... Every Slip  ... Every Fall ..... I will learn the lessons well. All these failures, setbacks must not make me bitter and drag me down again ...

They are part of my success .... 
They are part of my learning experience to build my foundation for success if I learnt the lesson well ...

Easy to say then done ??? 
I'm not here to convince anyone ..... 
I'm here to share and to learn ... and I'm still learning and growing in recovery.

Life in recovery is always under construction.

It's a journey ..
............. that I may not reach my destination ......
............. A journey that may not be accident free ....

But i will keep in as safe as enjoyable as possible.

Don't give up

No matter how painful it is...

No matter how hopeless it seems..

No matter how many people has given up on us...

Don't ever give up on yourself..

Learning to Let go.. is not giving up.

Recovery is for ourselves and not for others..

It has to be tough...
It has to be painful..
It has to be difficult...

If not... people like me ... wont change..

Hang in there...

Dont ever give up on yourself.

A Disease that can HIT AnYone ..

Woke up to this piece of news ....

Not surprising but just amazing ...

Coming from a Agency that report directly to PM !!

Recently in Singapore .... many high ranking govt officials got involved with such scandals..

From CNB to SCDF .... to now CPIB ???

SEX - MONEY - MAN !!!

Nothing surprising ... just amazing ... LOOK this man is only 39!!!

Now look at what the money is used for ...

GAMBLING HABIT !!!!!!

regardless of your age ....
regardless of your moral values ...
regardless of your high qualification ...
regardless of your high ranking sensitive POST ...
regardless whether you report to Prime Minister, to your Wife or to your parents or even to GOD 

Regardless of how smart, how intelligence , how loyal , how faithful, how outstanding you are ..


GAMBLING ADDICTION 
is a CUNNING, POWERFUL and BAFFLING Disease THAT CAN HIT ANYONE
.......