Life Since 2014 ....

Dear Friends

Have not be writing for awhile as I thought perhaps it is about time that I forget about my past and don't let it hold me hostage .... And moving on from being a gambling addict !!!

I tried many times to write ..... but end up deleting the post .... seems to be frustrated with what I am writing .....

But is it Possible for me to lead a Gambling Free life since ...... YES .... and of course NO !!!

(i am still buying hope in toto and 4d hahaha)

Back then....

In the beginning of recovery back in end 2006, I TRIED .... and for 3 years .... isolate myself from all gambling activities and related news  ..... So any changes in my life ..... NOPE ... except for staying Stop,

I BECAME MORE frustrated ... more angry with people places and things in my country .

I know I am more capable of doing big things and earning a much respectable pay .....

But no longer possible in a place like here. It's time really to let go of the aspiration of another big break in life..... hahaha again i might not be able to handle this Big Break!!

Over last 2 years or so .... i have this awakening and suddenly i realisee i already had that breakthrough in life.... 

My Family = My Everything.

Since 2014 to now Sep 2016...  I focus on rebuilding and strengthening my relationship with my love ones at home... And with my parents too!!! At the same time, focusing on removing the letter "A" in me .... ANGER !!

10 years on.... slow progress.... and recovery is a slow process......and is forever 

But it has been keeping me safe and sane.

So why am i updating  now after missing for 2years?? 

Some thought i went back to gambling ..... 

Some thought i fully recover .....

Doesnt matter what others think abt me and wat i am doing.... 

I am still rebuilding my life and Yes ... for the time being .... I AM STILL SAFE ...

I am aware of the relapse process far too well and I am not going to fall into the same trap..

And all it takes to start the process of relapse .......  is just a simple white lie !!!!

Oh yess.... one more thing... 

Even if you are right ....try seeing life from my side ... 

Why Recovery is so Scary

Why is it so difficult for a compulsive gambler to seek help ???

Why is it that he/she needs to be at rock bottom stage before willing to ask for help ???

Mind you .... many enter recovery on the pretext of

"I AM SEEKING TREATMENT NOW FOR MY ADDICTION. ... SO NOW HELP ME WITH MY DEBTS !!''

Take a look at Me when i entered recovery 10 years ago (in mth of Sept too)

It is completely overwhelming. ...... and the first thought that came to my mind when i saw this "spider web" of my current life..... was "let's END THIS once and for all.....

Fortunately a stranger turned up and saved me from ending my life and thus embark on my journey of recovery.

To the family members of a gambling addict...

It's really overwhelming to surrender ourselves ..... many of us can't even look at ourselves in the mirror ..... what a scumbag and bastard we have been .....

If you really want your love ones to seek help ... do give them the support and care they need ..

Meanwhile, remember to protect yourself first .... use tough love and not be manipulated by us, the addicts, yet again.

Not Good Enough ......

How many of you in recovery felt this way ???

This is exactly how I feel even till today trying so hard ...... to change.... to take care of my family..... to rebuild broken relationships. .....

8 years since I surrender .... seek treatment. .... serve my term .... and rebuilding my life .....

BBut .... I will never be good enough for the society .... for the people around me ....

Every time there is a conflict, crisis, argument,  fights at home with family , parents, spouse,  kids...... seems like I am just being discounted and disqualified ...

SEEMS TO BE ..... I AM THE CAUSE OF EVERYTHING ......

Really depressing at times ..... and most of the time, I just have to swallow down everything and said .... 

"SORRY and I am the one who F it up ....."

Then My mind will start to fight back ....

So why don't just continue and gamble and fight back ..... my luck may just change..... and I can have my break again. 

there is no way I can have my break once i am in recovery and constantly remind myself ...

I AM A GAMBLING ADDICT ... AND MY LIFE IS unmanageable .....

Perhaps the winning is around the Corner ....

Perhaps now with the losing experiences .... I can start winning

ONCE I have enough money to pay off my debts, to provide for my family, to bring them for holiday  ..... (I unable to do all these ......)

PERHAPS then people will see me differently .....

PERHAPS my ego and self esteem wld be better ....

PERHAPS I can have some say during conflicts, during crisis, during fights......

PERHAPS I won't be the cause and can be the solution for everything ......

Perhaps I can be granted this wish ..... since I have been trying so hard in recovery ...

So with the money I have in my pocket ..... I decided to try again..

More Careful .... More Calculated ..... More strategist ....

Results = = SAME OLD SHIT AND STORY AGAIN .....

WHY is IT SO ???? Because I can't even afford to lose those little amount I have in hands ...... So there are so much fear with those so much bad memories of the past .... 

And Having come such a long way ..... its really a struggle again

GAMBLING DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY BETTER ......

WINNING IS NOT FOREVER .....  HOW CAN I MAKE WINNING A ALL TIME THINGY ??

Today ...... Gambling is still seems to be my only solution to all my problems in life .....

Even IF I CAN ACCEPT NO SOLUTION AS A SOLUTION .... MY FAMILY CAN'T !!!

SO AT THE END OF THE DAY ....

I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AGAIN .......

So I am holding on to A DREAM ..... making A WISH .......  hanging on to A HOPE .... and I choose to BELIEVE ......

Do I have any achievements in Life ???

Many think that we gambling addicts are just pain in the ass and nothing but trouble ...

Good for nothing .... just gamble our life away ..... 

Really ????

Back in 2006, the year I surrender myself for treatment and punished for my gambling related crimes..... 

I received this special medal from the Department Of Navy, US ... 
And I am a Singaporean, then Serving my country Navy since 1991 ....

What is this medal all about ??  In Summary.... 

NAVY ACHIEVEMENT MEDAL

The Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal is awarded to members of the Armed Forces, including members of Reserve components on active or inactive duty, of the grade of lieutenant commander/major and below.

The award shall be presented for meritorious service or achievement in combat or non-combat circumstances based on sustained performance or specific achievement of a superlative nature, and shall be of such merit as to warrant more recognition than is possible by a fitness report or performance evaluation, but which is not significant enough to justify a Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal or higher.

Professional achievement that merit the NA must:
(a) Clearly exceed that which is normally required or expected, considering the individual's grade or rate, training, and experience, and
(b) Be an important contribution of benefit to the United States and the Naval Service.

Leadership Achievement that merit the NA must:
(a) Be noteworthy
(b) Be sustained so as to demonstrate a high state of development or, if for a specific achievement, be of such merit as to earn singular recognition for the act, and
(c) Reflect most creditably on the efforts of the individual toward the accomplishment of the unit mission.

##################################

SO ....  Not a big deal to many, and also not many know about this.... it was given to me in simple ceremony in presence of a few big bosses ....

BUT it was something I am extremely proud of .... being recognised by other country professionals .... 

My own country has taken away and taken back all my medals ...... discredited me from all the hard work and good work, the great achievements I have given to the Navy, especially in the SAF DAY PARADE 2002  ... taken away everything, all my achievements  ..... BUT NOT THIS MEDAL ... 

During my trials in court ..... all the bosses that I have served ...... no one dared to write even a character reference for me ... ONLY ONE KIND BOSS ... willing to pen down a good reference for me, which even today, I am extremely grateful for  .... 

THE REST OF THEM distanced away from me because all holding very very high posts .......


But now in my real life .... Who cares.....  

no one would remember any of my achievements ...

I AM JUST A GAMBLING ADDICT ...... A SCUMBAG to MANY that has borrowed me money .......

So what is the purpose of writing this ...... 
what do I want to prove ????

8 years in recovery ..... tough and rough road ..... I really took a long time to pick myself up and find my feet again..... to kick start my life from point 0 ..... with no saving ... no help .... in a very unforgiving society in Singapore..... No matter what is my qualifications, what was my previous achievements , the medals that I have ....

No one will give me a chance .... if I don't give myself a chance ...

No one will bother after my past achievements .... but these achievements reminded me of my own strengths ...  and what I am capable of doing ......

Keep Going ......
Keep Trying .....

ONE DAY ...... ONE DAY ......  IT WILL HAPPEN

SOMEONE WILL RECOGNIZE THIS MEDAL AND WILL BE OFFERING THIS GUY WITH THE MEDAL ANOTHER BIG BREAK IN LIFE  .....

Progress

Slow progress is better than no progress...

No matter how slow in recovery ....
Even if you are still gambling ...
Even if you cant stop completely ...

It is ok ....

As long as you are trying ...

Stop destructive gambling gambling and stop all illegal gambling activities and borrowing first .... that's important to preserve your life and keep your family ...

Then take it slowly.....
one step at a time ....

No matter what ...
Just keep on the path of recovery ...

Keep the faith
Keep going

Pressure

Too much pressure from the overwhelming issues that arises from your destructive gambling ??

Then it's time for you to learn to "Let Go" of the unnecessary ones ... 

And Stop creating new ones with more gambling activities ....

At times, things will go even worst if you are trying to cope with the intense pressure of whatever one is facing ....

Let it all go for a while ....

Ignore what others got to say and all ego issues ....

For once, tell yourself ..

I am going to take good care of my own mental well being first then slowly resolve the "pressuring issues" one by one ...

Remember, regardless of what happened ...

Life goes ON!!

WHY GAMBLING ADDICT CAN'T STOP

This is a post which I done in 2008 when I was two years in my recovery journey ...

I did a inventory of myself, in situations during my active and destructive gambling days ...

"WHY I SIMPLY CANNOT STOP GAMBLING ...... "

Why should I stop ?

I am just out of luck, suay and out of bullets at the moment.

I win before and I have a system that works.

I will rest for now, fine tune my system and once I gather my bullets, I will try win back everything. 
I will follow strictly the rules I set for myself.

hahaha this tune is constantly playing in my mind even after 7 years in recovery. 
This music kept playing over and over again during my years of destructive gambling, especially after each bailout of my debts.

NOW THIS IS A REAL HAPPENING >>>

Recalling, one desperate Sunday night in 2006, when I was left with $500 bucks in my on-line betting account, I need to make a repayment of more that $40k worth of debts on the next day......

I kneel down infront of my Higher Power, get joss sticks burnt my own hands and swear infront of my higher power, if you help me overturn my losses tonight, I will never gamble again !!

Then I started tossing 2 coins to get HIS indication for the 5 LA LIGA games I selected and of course I won !! Won big in the parley bet. $64K in all.

But did I stop ...... Need to guess ??

Insanity right !! That's a Gambling Addict in Denial ....

Many gamblers would have said .... "I would have stop if I were in your shoes"

YES, i agreed. If you are not a gambling addict ...

There is alot of different , and in the field of addiction, there is many different type of gamblers

1) Professional Gamblers (which is one I aspired to be !!! HaHa)
2) Social Gamblers
3) Recreational Gamblers
4) Anti-Social Gamblers
5) Escape Gamblers
6) Problem Gamblers
7) Pathological Gamblers (Gambling Addict - - ME !!)

However, to many .... all these are bullshits ....

Gamblers are simply GREEDY and has no MORAL VALUES .....
（贪念，不脚踏实地， 想一步登天！！）


Now here is the list of inventory that I did back then .... "why I can't stop"

1) No Desire to Stop, still in the winning-chasing-losing-bailout cycle ....

2) No need to stop .... there's still bailout available .... there's still enablers ...

3) Why stop ....There's chance to fight back everyday ..... stop means “die” to most gambling addict

4) Cashless punting with illegal bookie and readily available loan-sharks has made it more attractive for addict to continue chasing losses. There are chances and opportunities for me to fight back each day. Even legal betting are catching up with times !! How to stop ??

5) A master of manipulation and great constructor of wonderful “stories” which often allows addict to obtain the desired bail-out.... rest and fight back again .... must pay back money quickly .....

6) GAMBLING IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEMS ...... quickest way to solve my problems .. I have done it before ..

7) I Love my game ... why should I stop ... maybe i just rest for a while .... I can control myself ....

8) Fear ...... Want to stop but Afraid to stop ..... do want to lose everything ... the will to fight back has been reinforce over the years ..... 

9) Surrender never on the cards .... Acceptance of “I'm a Loser in the game” not possible .. I DONE IT BEFORE !!

10) Previous Big Wins stills ringing bells in the memory ..... it will happen again, bcos it happened before ....

11) It can't be ...... I won't keep losing forever ..... It will come ..... Maybe the next time ....

12) False belief in “Luck cycle” ... Luck cycle goes up and down... It will go up again ...

13) The false dreams of huge win, restoring one's status and hoping to prove a point to prove to others that we are ok and can be a control gambler

14) One more try and I will stop (if I hit the jackpot) ........

15) Gambling has become one's best pal and companion ..... gambling addict goes into the trance state, being controlled by the addict within .... The relationship which addict had with this addictive personality has since developed into as intense and intimate relationship.

16) Gambling Addict just don't have the capacity to be HONEST ..... always never honest with my debts .... always hid some amount to protect my own ego and continue to fight back to clear it myself ...

17) Don't wanna to lose face .... in Asian context, especially chinese, "face", pride and ego are huge factors which causes the addict to continue gambling ...

18) Shame factor ... too much to lose if stop ...... too shameful facing the debts, shame and disgrace .....

19) Guilt factor .... leading from shame ... don't want to see famliy "suffer" not realising that family had been suffering for many years during his destructive gambling ...... Would rather fight till the last penny !!

20) The so call "instict" within the gamblers..... it's coming ..... next one .... this should the right moment ... I have this "feel" ...... the insane mind of the addict ....

FOR A GAMBLING ADDICT
Stopping gambling is difficult,
Staying stop is extremely difficult
Facing Reality is painful and stressful
Meeting life on life's term just SUCKS

That's why we need all the help and support we can get ... and also to follow to a possible recovery recipe in our daily routine .....

To break the intimate relationship with one best pal (Gambling) over the years is not a easy task that can happen over night. Recovery is a process of change ....

A Process of unlearning the old - accepting the past - relearning the new - practicing daily

LIVING A DAY AT A TIME

Talk is always easy ....... 

so my dear friends .... stop talking about recovery and what you will do ...

JUST DO IT !!