Feeling helpless BUT ....

Something to remember really.......

Feeling sense of helplessness

And perhaps .... losing hope too......

Not too sure how i manage to hang on all these while ..... hahahahaha.

Life on Life'S term ... simply just sucks. Especially when you are already disqualified.

Felt like quitting and give up everything. Feeling helplessness and hopelessness ..

Just being felt like a prisoner with eyes on me ... watching everything i do... every step i take.... waiting to have another go at me ...

Then when i was preparing for my work this morning .... I saw this ... pasted there by my dad in the late 1980s. Actually if I were to take a step back and look .... True. 

Thank you all of you who are trying to tear me apart and put me down. I realized that I have grown much stronger and much more resilient to all these dramas and at the same time paying back my karma. 

So seriously. .. all of you that want to see me breaks.... hahahaha ¥ou have to wait abit longer!!!!

Because I want to see what will happen ... KARMA awaits for me ... SURE SURE !! But remember that KARMA awaits for YOU too.

感恩你们 !!

Good Man

Today someone said this to me. ...

"Looking at your changes over the years, the way you love and treat everyone around you, I always believe that you are a good man, and seeing the things you do all the time... you are really a good man..."

But now ... I don't think you are a good man anymore!!!  I have my doubts in you.

I smile and walk away.... thinking ...

Ermmm... once upon a time.... i am a good man ... now out of sudden

I am no longer a good man???

Good or Bad??? Who knows.???

All of you can doubt me and judged me based on things you see and feel.....

I totally respect that. But going around and start saying horrible things about me .... things which you made up by your own judgement and that are not true.... Hahahaha Seriously .....

But I can look myself into the mirror and tell myself this.... I am a Good Man.

YNWA

Something that I always keep close to my heart ..... YNWA

LFC is my team ...since 1978.

YNWA is my theme in my recovery journey .

In spiritual faith, when higher power allows things to happen..... means things must happen this way, and there must be something that i must learn through things that happened ...

Things happened.... it can be a lesson which is a blessing OR a blessing which can be a lesson too.

Good Or Bad ... who knows???

Let those with No Sins throw the first stone At Me!!!

At the end of the day, when i leave this world, Karma will be waiting for me.

Even now, i will get what I deserved.

NO MORE NO LESS.

But i know deep inside my heart, LFc, and i know I will never walk alone .....

And let me share this with you from my heart if you are struggling in the deep end .....

YNWA !!!!  

Beginning of 2018

Life is still full of shit .....

Simply bcos I am getting myself into more shit !!!!

I am free to choose ... but I am not free from the consequences of my choice and the decision that I have made.

Did I just fucked myself up again ..... A Question that I have bee asking myself for the past 1 month.

Honestly I have no answer.

Alot of question arising...... why why why why why why .......

I have no answer.

And when I have no answer .... Guess what ..... I am fucked for Sure.

Heading into the Eve of the Lunar Chinese New Year, And I am not sure whether I wld still be ard tml and for how long I can still hang ard .....

Don't Know how to explain situation ... and I guess, no one will be interested to hear me as well.

I am not a bastard .....

I am not a predator .....

I am not a badie .....

I am not a heartless person .....

I am not a ungrateful person .....

I am not a mad person .....


Who will listen ....... Who knows the truth ........ Only I know the truth.

No matter how many time I say ...  "I am really SORRY" ..... no one will ever accept my apologies

What I have done ..... it doesn't matter anymore ..... I am wasted .

From now on, year 2018 onward

ONE THING FOR SURE NOW ......... I AM Absolutely Disqualified !!! All the past 11 years of good hard work all been removed and no one will remember the good about me anymore.

After 11years of Recovery ......

.... Life is still full of 

And i seriously don't see it changing

Hahahaha

The fact is that people, place and things don't change!!!

No mattter how much i have changed or how many good i have done during this past 11 years....

Just one wrong, one familiar incident of the past.... late bill payment, similar financial situation like before ....one bet too many ... one woman too close to me ...

People around me will say there he goes again!!! But is it really like this???

Or does it really matter at all.

If i don't explain, people will say silence means he is guilty!!!!

If i try my best to explain, people will say
'' ha... this was what he is good at... making up storys and covering all gis wrong ..."

There comes a point that i don't need to explain anymore...

People will believe me... doesn't need me to explain. ..

People that have judged me... will not believe me anyway .

Does it means i give up trying ...

The only choice i have is ...

Being Stronger than yesterday, be better than yesterday's Me.

And keep smiling ...  keep shining ...

And continue to chase my dreams !!

02 chance in life

Be Strong

Be strong ..... In my recovery journey, this is the only choice I have .

And the most cruel part of this ...

Is if i want to be strong, i need to fight the battle Alone!!!  Yes... that's how cruel it is in recovery.

There's no other choice and honestly I never know how strong I am until recently i realised that being is the only choice i had.

I am fucked up????

In recovery, i learnt it the hard way....

Regardless how much effort i put in ... how much i have changed......

I will never be able to make it  up...

I betrayal in the past... the hurt ... the pain i have caused for everyone in the family...

My parents.. my wife .. my children ...

It will never be the same again!!

During their good times... they will not remember anything and continue to be good to you... everything seems well and rosy...

But in time of crisis... adversity or facing life challenges. ... they all will have a go at me.... and said how fucked i was to have caused all these...

The more I try to explain .... the worst it gets.......

Nevermind ...Continue to fuck me...

Im Fine

I get what i deserved....
Even when all of you.... even my love ones keep saying how fuck i was.... and how fuck im now...

But that doesn't stop me from trying ...... and continue to learn to be a better Son ... a better husband.. a better father. ... and a better Man.

One day .... i believe one day .....

I will hear them saying.....

He is a good son
He is a good husband
He is a good father
He is a good grandpa...

Till then .... i will keep trying ....