Recovery is Abt Changes

Recovery is not just about stopping gambling or staying stop ....

Recovery is about Changes ...... a process that brings about change in our lives. We need that change if nothing change... nothing changes ..

It’s important that I always remain open-minded when others point out my shortcomings, for they are bringing to light opportunities for me to change and grow.

When I stopped gambling, I realized I couldn't deal with my daily lives ... I couldn't deal with my relationships .... I couldn't deal with my own emotions ..... there's so much emotions in me that make me very sensitive to remarks made ......

Initially I met those remarks and criticisms with anger, rage, reacting very defensively .... 

I was angry with almost everything !

Then as I grow in my recovery, I realise that reacting defensively limits my ability to receive the help they are offering us; letting go of my defenses actually help me to open the door to change, growth, and new freedom.

I started to work on my negativity and changing them to positive energy ....... trust me ... means really alot alot of restraint, alot of discipline and alot of effort on my part

<< Everything happens for a reason !! There is definitely something that my spiritual higher power wants me to learn>>

Today, each day in the recovery process will bring me an opportunity for further change and growth. I will do to the best of my ability, applying the spiritual principles I learned in recovery in my daily life.

I am not only powerless over my addictions, but also powerless over the people, places and things around me. I can't change them, but I can certainly change myself. When I start to change, people and things around me will also start to change !!

The more I learn to greet change with an open mind and heart, I believe the more I will grow and the more comfortable I will become with my recovery.

And After 10 years on ...... I have somehow grow up to be a better person .... Same Bennie but one without needing to use Anger as my defense anymore  .

In Life....... Keep Trying

Exams drama time for all students and parents as well in the month of Oct and Nov in Singapore. 

No time to get panic...
No point scolding, screaming shouting..
No time crying and breaking down if not prepared. ...

Just like in Recovery... you just need to lift yourself up, accept the current state of life, face the crisis/adversity which we have created for ourselves, deal with it to the best of our abilities and keep going. 

It's All we can do ..... KEEP TRYING

Life Since 2014 ....

Dear Friends

Have not be writing for awhile as I thought perhaps it is about time that I forget about my past and don't let it hold me hostage .... And moving on from being a gambling addict !!!

I tried many times to write ..... but end up deleting the post .... seems to be frustrated with what I am writing .....

But is it Possible for me to lead a Gambling Free life since ...... YES .... and of course NO !!!

(i am still buying hope in toto and 4d hahaha)

Back then....

In the beginning of recovery back in end 2006, I TRIED .... and for 3 years .... isolate myself from all gambling activities and related news  ..... So any changes in my life ..... NOPE ... except for staying Stop,

I BECAME MORE frustrated ... more angry with people places and things in my country .

I know I am more capable of doing big things and earning a much respectable pay .....

But no longer possible in a place like here. It's time really to let go of the aspiration of another big break in life..... hahaha again i might not be able to handle this Big Break!!

Over last 2 years or so .... i have this awakening and suddenly i realisee i already had that breakthrough in life.... 

My Family = My Everything.

Since 2014 to now Sep 2016...  I focus on rebuilding and strengthening my relationship with my love ones at home... And with my parents too!!! At the same time, focusing on removing the letter "A" in me .... ANGER !!

10 years on.... slow progress.... and recovery is a slow process......and is forever 

But it has been keeping me safe and sane.

So why am i updating  now after missing for 2years?? 

Some thought i went back to gambling ..... 

Some thought i fully recover .....

Doesnt matter what others think abt me and wat i am doing.... 

I am still rebuilding my life and Yes ... for the time being .... I AM STILL SAFE ...

I am aware of the relapse process far too well and I am not going to fall into the same trap..

And all it takes to start the process of relapse .......  is just a simple white lie !!!!

Oh yess.... one more thing... 

Even if you are right ....try seeing life from my side ... 

Why Recovery is so Scary

Why is it so difficult for a compulsive gambler to seek help ???

Why is it that he/she needs to be at rock bottom stage before willing to ask for help ???

Mind you .... many enter recovery on the pretext of

"I AM SEEKING TREATMENT NOW FOR MY ADDICTION. ... SO NOW HELP ME WITH MY DEBTS !!''

Take a look at Me when i entered recovery 10 years ago (in mth of Sept too)

It is completely overwhelming. ...... and the first thought that came to my mind when i saw this "spider web" of my current life..... was "let's END THIS once and for all.....

Fortunately a stranger turned up and saved me from ending my life and thus embark on my journey of recovery.

To the family members of a gambling addict...

It's really overwhelming to surrender ourselves ..... many of us can't even look at ourselves in the mirror ..... what a scumbag and bastard we have been .....

If you really want your love ones to seek help ... do give them the support and care they need ..

Meanwhile, remember to protect yourself first .... use tough love and not be manipulated by us, the addicts, yet again.

Not Good Enough ......

How many of you in recovery felt this way ???

This is exactly how I feel even till today trying so hard ...... to change.... to take care of my family..... to rebuild broken relationships. .....

8 years since I surrender .... seek treatment. .... serve my term .... and rebuilding my life .....

BBut .... I will never be good enough for the society .... for the people around me ....

Every time there is a conflict, crisis, argument,  fights at home with family , parents, spouse,  kids...... seems like I am just being discounted and disqualified ...

SEEMS TO BE ..... I AM THE CAUSE OF EVERYTHING ......

Really depressing at times ..... and most of the time, I just have to swallow down everything and said .... 

"SORRY and I am the one who F it up ....."

Then My mind will start to fight back ....

So why don't just continue and gamble and fight back ..... my luck may just change..... and I can have my break again. 

there is no way I can have my break once i am in recovery and constantly remind myself ...

I AM A GAMBLING ADDICT ... AND MY LIFE IS unmanageable .....

Perhaps the winning is around the Corner ....

Perhaps now with the losing experiences .... I can start winning

ONCE I have enough money to pay off my debts, to provide for my family, to bring them for holiday  ..... (I unable to do all these ......)

PERHAPS then people will see me differently .....

PERHAPS my ego and self esteem wld be better ....

PERHAPS I can have some say during conflicts, during crisis, during fights......

PERHAPS I won't be the cause and can be the solution for everything ......

Perhaps I can be granted this wish ..... since I have been trying so hard in recovery ...

So with the money I have in my pocket ..... I decided to try again..

More Careful .... More Calculated ..... More strategist ....

Results = = SAME OLD SHIT AND STORY AGAIN .....

WHY is IT SO ???? Because I can't even afford to lose those little amount I have in hands ...... So there are so much fear with those so much bad memories of the past .... 

And Having come such a long way ..... its really a struggle again

GAMBLING DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY BETTER ......

WINNING IS NOT FOREVER .....  HOW CAN I MAKE WINNING A ALL TIME THINGY ??

Today ...... Gambling is still seems to be my only solution to all my problems in life .....

Even IF I CAN ACCEPT NO SOLUTION AS A SOLUTION .... MY FAMILY CAN'T !!!

SO AT THE END OF THE DAY ....

I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AGAIN .......

So I am holding on to A DREAM ..... making A WISH .......  hanging on to A HOPE .... and I choose to BELIEVE ......

Do I have any achievements in Life ???

Many think that we gambling addicts are just pain in the ass and nothing but trouble ...

Good for nothing .... just gamble our life away ..... 

Really ????

Back in 2006, the year I surrender myself for treatment and punished for my gambling related crimes..... 

I received this special medal from the Department Of Navy, US ... 
And I am a Singaporean, then Serving my country Navy since 1991 ....

What is this medal all about ??  In Summary.... 

NAVY ACHIEVEMENT MEDAL

The Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal is awarded to members of the Armed Forces, including members of Reserve components on active or inactive duty, of the grade of lieutenant commander/major and below.

The award shall be presented for meritorious service or achievement in combat or non-combat circumstances based on sustained performance or specific achievement of a superlative nature, and shall be of such merit as to warrant more recognition than is possible by a fitness report or performance evaluation, but which is not significant enough to justify a Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal or higher.

Professional achievement that merit the NA must:
(a) Clearly exceed that which is normally required or expected, considering the individual's grade or rate, training, and experience, and
(b) Be an important contribution of benefit to the United States and the Naval Service.

Leadership Achievement that merit the NA must:
(a) Be noteworthy
(b) Be sustained so as to demonstrate a high state of development or, if for a specific achievement, be of such merit as to earn singular recognition for the act, and
(c) Reflect most creditably on the efforts of the individual toward the accomplishment of the unit mission.

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SO ....  Not a big deal to many, and also not many know about this.... it was given to me in simple ceremony in presence of a few big bosses ....

BUT it was something I am extremely proud of .... being recognised by other country professionals .... 

My own country has taken away and taken back all my medals ...... discredited me from all the hard work and good work, the great achievements I have given to the Navy, especially in the SAF DAY PARADE 2002  ... taken away everything, all my achievements  ..... BUT NOT THIS MEDAL ... 

During my trials in court ..... all the bosses that I have served ...... no one dared to write even a character reference for me ... ONLY ONE KIND BOSS ... willing to pen down a good reference for me, which even today, I am extremely grateful for  .... 

THE REST OF THEM distanced away from me because all holding very very high posts .......


But now in my real life .... Who cares.....  

no one would remember any of my achievements ...

I AM JUST A GAMBLING ADDICT ...... A SCUMBAG to MANY that has borrowed me money .......

So what is the purpose of writing this ...... 
what do I want to prove ????

8 years in recovery ..... tough and rough road ..... I really took a long time to pick myself up and find my feet again..... to kick start my life from point 0 ..... with no saving ... no help .... in a very unforgiving society in Singapore..... No matter what is my qualifications, what was my previous achievements , the medals that I have ....

No one will give me a chance .... if I don't give myself a chance ...

No one will bother after my past achievements .... but these achievements reminded me of my own strengths ...  and what I am capable of doing ......

Keep Going ......
Keep Trying .....

ONE DAY ...... ONE DAY ......  IT WILL HAPPEN

SOMEONE WILL RECOGNIZE THIS MEDAL AND WILL BE OFFERING THIS GUY WITH THE MEDAL ANOTHER BIG BREAK IN LIFE  .....

Progress

Slow progress is better than no progress...

No matter how slow in recovery ....
Even if you are still gambling ...
Even if you cant stop completely ...

It is ok ....

As long as you are trying ...

Stop destructive gambling gambling and stop all illegal gambling activities and borrowing first .... that's important to preserve your life and keep your family ...

Then take it slowly.....
one step at a time ....

No matter what ...
Just keep on the path of recovery ...

Keep the faith
Keep going