Deep Rooted

(Updated on 7Nov 2019)

Addiction is like deep rooted tree...

Yes .... you are poisonous... and I am deeply addicted to you .

You gave me Hope every day .....
You kept me going every day .....

I'm grateful  ..... I hv tried my very best and really done whatever I could within the beat of my ability...

I dun think I can ever pull out the roots...

Rooted deep into the ground....

You are my hope....

Even till the one last bet.....

You will definitely be my last.... bet.

And Again I lost  ...... YES I lost big time and I lost everything. 

You told me it's a sure win bet.. you told me you will back me up.. you told me you wld be there for me ....

All fucking lies!  Fucking full of lies!! 

You betrayed me when I'm deeply rooted to you... fcking shit! ! 

Just bcos I'm an addict???

World Cup 2018

Coming to the end of group stages soon...

By the end of today fixtures.... Argentina maybe heading home in the next available flight!!!

Football God Messi not answering any prayers... hahahaha

So so did i bet on this world cup 2018??

Need to ask??? Being Honest !!!!

YESSSSSSSSS

Wtf??? Why am i betting???

Yes wtf I am indeed betting.... what's new? World cup leh......

Win or Lose???

Need to ask??? Being Honest ...

YES.... lost !!!!

How much????? Hahahaha wtf ... don't ask leh.... very paisay and embarrassing. ...

But i know the reason liao!!!!!!

I pray to the wrong God of Football!!!!

Hahahaha

Hanging In there......

No one seems to understand what i am going through ....

But is it important that people understand  me ... Or ... is it more important for me to understand what others is going through.... 

Especially those suffering because of me??

Really. .. i am coming to a point .. that it doesn't  matter anymore how i feel. No one cares... or shld i say ... Why shld anyone care since I am the ''bad'' guy

AND

I am the cause of everything !!

No Bennie ... = No trouble ...... maybe

But I still believe that ......

My Existence in this life  can still contribute alot to many other people ...... especially  those i can't see ...

So ... I am going to just Hang In There.

The pressure is building up everywhere ..... everyone is taking turn to have a go at me.... I always tell myself, whatever given to me .... i will take it and give my best in everything i do, every role i played. Nothing less.

I will Trust Boss and Hang in there. ... I get what i deserved.

#####

Life will not stop just bcos we can't get what we want and the way we want it.

We need to continue with life and work within whatever limitations that life has given us.

It all started bcos of me..... I can't go back and change the beginning but i can change the Ending !!

One Day @ A Time.

No matter how hard i tried.... it seems never good enough for everyone.

But that doesn't  stop me from believing .... that doesn't stop me from loving ... and that doesn't stop me from continuing doing what i have to on a daily basis.

The whole world can continue to pick on me.... continue to doubt me.

i am already disqualified i know that.

Givee me shit and slowly i will use them to build a garden...

Push me to a corner. ... i will fight back slowly to regain my ground.

If i fall i will get up and fight. I Won't Run !!! It will be just too Tiring 

I will stay focus.... and very focus esp for 2018!!! Bcos there is going to be alot of changes and transition

Life will not stop just bcos we can't get what we want and the way we want it.

We need to continue with life and work within whatever limitations that life has given us.

It all started bcos of me..... I can't go back and change the beginning but i can change the Ending !!!

Im the cause of everything.  So i wont complain and i wont pick on anyone or anything.

I will push on ... One Day @ A Time. This is not how my story is going to End.

Doing my best in everything i do and keep believing. One day .... all things will fall in place.... But not how i want it to be... But how BOSS  has put in place for me!!

Bring on the STORMS !!!! 

I will maneuver around them and continue to dance in the rain.

Recovery is always under construction .... 

One day At A time, Easy Does it and Turn it Over.

When You focus on "Problems", you will get more Problems

BUT

When You focus on "Possibilities", you will get more Opportunities!!

Stay Positive and Stay Focus.  

I am the Problem ....

From the beginning ..... I am the Cause of everything. It's all my fault.

I look into the Mirror today .... and for once, I can't smile to myself anymore. Everyone around me is hurting.

So it has got to be true ..... THAT 

I have never intend to harm anyone and hurt anyone .... 

So many things happened over the years.... And I have never given up trying to change and trying to be good. I am not prefect. I have my issues that I need to work on ...

All of you can doubt ME .... I am ok with that because I am used to it anyway ...

All of you can continue to have a go at me..

All of you can continue to pick on me...

All of you can continue to doubt me...

All of you can continue to say 

I am the problem!!!!! Yes i  am the problem bcos i exist in your heart.

I will continue to be good but i won't waste my time proving to anyone....

Things are happening according to what is shown on the Cards. I just have to accept it and deal with it one thing at a time.

Everything happens the way it meant to be.

I used to have those negative thoughts. ...

I am not good enough 

I am that selfish bastard 

I am a useless addict 

I am already old and disqualified. .. there are better alternative around me...

If i am the problem, why don't get rid of me once and for all ... 

But for now..... i will continue to be a good person and no matter what i do ... 

I am never good enough. That's for sure.

Feeling helpless BUT ....

Something to remember really.......

Feeling sense of helplessness

And perhaps .... losing hope too......

Not too sure how i manage to hang on all these while ..... hahahahaha.

Life on Life'S term ... simply just sucks. Especially when you are already disqualified.

Felt like quitting and give up everything. Feeling helplessness and hopelessness ..

Just being felt like a prisoner with eyes on me ... watching everything i do... every step i take.... waiting to have another go at me ...

Then when i was preparing for my work this morning .... I saw this ... pasted there by my dad in the late 1980s. Actually if I were to take a step back and look .... True. 

Thank you all of you who are trying to tear me apart and put me down. I realized that I have grown much stronger and much more resilient to all these dramas and at the same time paying back my karma. 

So seriously. .. all of you that want to see me breaks.... hahahaha ¥ou have to wait abit longer!!!!

Because I want to see what will happen ... KARMA awaits for me ... SURE SURE !! But remember that KARMA awaits for YOU too.

感恩你们 !!

Good Man

Today someone said this to me. ...

"Looking at your changes over the years, the way you love and treat everyone around you, I always believe that you are a good man, and seeing the things you do all the time... you are really a good man..."

But now ... I don't think you are a good man anymore!!!  I have my doubts in you.

I smile and walk away.... thinking ...

Ermmm... once upon a time.... i am a good man ... now out of sudden

I am no longer a good man???

Good or Bad??? Who knows.???

All of you can doubt me and judged me based on things you see and feel.....

I totally respect that. But going around and start saying horrible things about me .... things which you made up by your own judgement and that are not true.... Hahahaha Seriously .....

But I can look myself into the mirror and tell myself this.... I am a Good Man.