“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment.”

Matthew 6:34
## Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own ##

Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us, like me, who’ve dodged it for so long. I dare not face it because I can't handle it....... I kept escaping into my world of fantasy, and false belief. I often thought, money is the solution to all my problems and I seriously believed it for years, since I started to place my first bet - of course I won.

In the past, I believed that "Money" was the cause of all my problem and "Gambling" was the only solution I know.

When I stopped gambling, I came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming...

• The overwhelming debts which I have to salute myself because I never even realized it was so huge, beyond my own imagination...


• The broken relationships around me which seems beyond repair, perhaps not in this life time.... making amends is a dreadful and haunting tasks


• The betrayal of my marriage was extremely damaging and painful for my wife......


• The lost of employment, spending time behind bars, the discrimination I faced in the community, the bankruptcy order, feeding the family ....


• And the past will always catch up with me ......

I often think that maybe I can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. I am so powerless of my addiction, my emotions, my life, the people, places and things around me !!! These thoughts feed themselves, and many at times, I was paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life. Many of times, in any conflicts at home, with people around me, the past often catch up with me. I am in recovery but they are not ..... Many still can't forget and let go of the pain I inflicted on them...... who can .... They may have forgiven me, but they will not forget the hurt, the pain I caused upon them. It is just too much for them to handle. So in many conflicts, I will be constantly reminded about what I have done in the past. I am being disqualified. I can't even defend myself now even it was about the past...... I suck my thumb, text a recovery friend, process my emotions and let the tears flow inwards.

I am grateful that I started recovery, surrendering in Jan 2007. I began my journey of recovery, stay in recovery till now and will always be in recovery.

• I don't have to win now


• I don't have to be in control now


• I don't have to provide any solution now


• I learn to accept the fact of the past, the cruelty of the present and the uncertainty of tomorrow


• I understand they are the victims of my addictions


• I just don't have to fix anything now

However, for me - Life sucks. I know I have to learn to enjoy little things in my life now. Honestly, I am grateful for the new lease of life that God has given me, but that doesn't mean I am happy. Perhaps I need to re-learn the meaning of "contentment"........

For this very moment, I don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so I learn to take them one at a time. I take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. In recovery, I learn to stay sober, sane and sincere just for today, and I approach my problems the same way.

When I live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect afterall.
One breath at a time, I can stay sober and learn to live.

Just for today, I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.