I attended a Gambling Conference last Saturaday 17 Apr 2010, organised by Mediacorp together with NCPG and NAMS. It was meant to educated the general public what is gambling addiction and problem gambling. How does it affect the family and what kind of help and treatment is available.
One of the many similar question asked during both the Chinese and English sessions was :-
"HOW DO I KNOW THAT MY LOVE ONE IS A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER / PROBLEM GAMBLER"
So here in my recovery blog, I decided to share my strength and experiences with you ...
Here are the 20 questions that used by the GAM-ANON to help you to answer the question,
- Do you find yourself constantly bothered by bill collectors?
- Is the person in question away from home for long, unexplained periods of time?
- Does this person ever lose time from work due to gambling?
- Do you feel that this person cannot be trusted with money?
- Does the person in question faithfully promise that he or she will stop gambling or beg and plead for another chance, yet gamble again and again?
- Does this person ever gamble longer than he or she intended to - until the last dollar is gone?
- Does this person ever gamble to get money to solve financial difficulties or have unrealistic expectations that gambling will bring the family material comfort and wealth?
- Does this person immediately return to gambling to try to recover losses or to win more?
- Does this person borrow money to gamble or to pay gambling debts?
- Has this person's reputation ever suffered due to gambling, even to the extent of committing illegal acts to finance gambling?
- Have you come to the point of hiding money needed for living expenses, knowing that you and the rest of the family may go without food and clothing if you do not?
- Do you search this person's clothing, go through his or her wallet when the opportunity presents itself, or otherwise check on his or her activities?
- Do you hide his or her money?
- Have you noticed a significant change in the gambler as his or her gambling progresses?
- Does the person in question consistently lie to cover-up or deny his or her gambling activities?
- Does this person use guilt induction to shift responsibilities for his or her gambling activities?
- Do you attempt to anticipate this person's moods or try to control his or her life?
- Does this person ever suffer from remorse or depression due to gambling, sometimes to the point of threatening self-destruction?
- Has gambling ever brought you to the point of threatening to break up the family unit?
- Do you feel that your life together is a nightmare?
If you answered "yes" to at least six of the above questions you may be living with a compulsive gambler.
"HOW DO I GET THIS PERSON TO SEEK HELP ?"
This is indeed a very challenging question.... the Cruel fact is that "If the gambling addict do not want help, or refuses help, no one can force the addict to get help" .... BUT there are somethings that you could consider doing to help the gamblers and yourself too. Do remember that these are purely my own experience and strength.
1) Share with the person about the problem gambling
- Ask the person about his or her gambling. If you think there might be a problem, the direct approach is best. However, use a positive approach so the person feels your concern and understands that there are some ways that you would consider helping. Though more than often, he will just shut you off, but keep doing it. Consider how you might be willing to support or assist if the person is having a problem. Tell him/her that you care and love him/her.
- Try to avoid arguments and confrontation, and don't keep blaming the person for all the destruction and damages he has created. These approaches may cause defensive behaviour in the gambler.
2) Avoid Bail-Out if possible
- It's tough for family members and close friends to watch a problem gambler run into financial problems. But ask yourself these questions ,
- "Should money be loaned or given in these circumstances?"
- "Are you helping him or enabling him to gamble more. Are you his enabler ??"
- "How many times have you bailed him/her out ? Did he/she stop ? "
- "How many times have he/she promised you to stop after bailout ?"
This, at times may sound cruel and uncaring, but it's really the only thing you can do so that the gambler will experience the consequences of his or her gambling. If problem gamblers are bailed out, they don't have to face the financial problems and can continue to gamble, adding to future problems. ADDICTS like me are good actor and liar !! I do anything, agree anything just for that instant moment to get bailout. However, you can still make it clear that you will stand by the gambler and be there to support him or her.
3) Find out more about problem gambling and learn to Protect Yourself Too!!
- You will be better able to help both yourself and the problem gambler if you gather as much information as possible about the problem. do remember to seek to the "right" person. There maybe alot of self proclaimed professional in dealing with problem gambling. It will help you to prepare for future issues, enabling you to minimize the impact that problem gambling may have on you and your family.
Protecting Yourself - Do not harbour the thoughts of guilt, shame and helplessness. You are not responsbile for his gambling addiction.!! When there are feelings of frustration and anger caused by the impact of the gambling, do not go into isolation, find someone you could trust to talk to. If you can't overcome the shame, call the problem gambling help line. Let the professional help you first.
4) Protect Your finances
- Learn to protect your finances will help you to look after your family needs, avoid the problem gamblers from sucking you dry to fuel his gambling habits. Once the problem gamblers run out of resources, he would be forced to stop. Then you could come in to encourage in to seek help.
- Do not allow the gambler to have access to your account (or even joint account).
- Don't let the gambler have unnecessary access to cash and credit.
- Plan your family budget. Make sure the bills are paid on time. Don't let the gamblers pay the bills for the family.
- NEVER assume the gambler's debt. Especially the illegal debts.
- Don't sign anything you don't understand without professional advice.
- Sad to say, often problem gamblers would only consider help in the rock bottom stage. Some perhaps in the desparation stage to manipulate, seeking bailout. During these stage, continue to encourage him, if possible, link him up with another gambling addict in recovery. One addict best understand another, without judgement. Perhaps another addict in recovery will let him see hope .... There's alot of fear once stopped gambling. Overwhelming reality to face .... he/she can't do it alone and no courage to face them, also do not know how to face them ... So being with a group of fellowship who has gone through all the shits that he/she will be facing in time to come, is definitely a encouraging bonus for him/her.
Hope that you find these information useful and helpful. Remember, you are not alone. The trama you are facing and about to face is not unqiue.... YES, it's frightening, it's painful, fraustrating, stressful .... BUT there's definitely light down the tunnel. AND you don't need to walk through the dark, slippery, scarey tunnel on your own with pain. There's help available now. Pick up the phone ....
