During my destructive gambling, I could never get enough betting activities or money, or sex, or anything else. Even too much was never enough! Soccer betting is my only pleasure-able desire ...... There was a spiritual emptiness inside me.
In recovery, though I tried as hard as I could to fill that emptiness myself, I never succeeded... whenever I can't cope with life on life's term, I can't cope with the pressure cooker around me ..... I always go back to seek that "pleasure" within me which I desired so much, which has helped me to cope with my life for the past 28 years .... Though, I did it with lots of safety net by placing a small bet .... BUT DEEP INSIDE ME, I knew that's no such thing as safe bet, control bet ..... I am just seeking justification and immediate gratification. I am playing with fire again.
The worst thing is that my wife has saw my changes, consistence behaviour....... and when she noticed I am troubled and when I confessed to her I placed a small $5-$10 bet on a game, she said "it's ok. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing well. Just saty honest, remain this small bet and don't be out of control again" ... this is also enabling me ..... I felt shitty about this and I need to address this again..... Ï am really powerless over the addiction .......
"I have the desire to stop but I, too have that desire to be a good punter"
"I don't want to go back to my destructive behaviour but I am playing with Fire again"
Addiction is a chronic, cunning, powerful and blaffing disease ....
I then realised that I have yet to make that decision - "It's not my game anymore".
I have not surrender completely........ This is my real life struggle with addiction at the moment...... especially when everything seems to be going well for me, and when the wound started to heal well ... I thought it's ok for me if I can handle..... "didn't I felt the same way after every bail-out I had in the past "??
In the end of the day, I realized that I lacked the power to fill the emptiness; it would take a Power greater than myself to do that. I have to stop control betting, and stop trying to fill the emptiness in my gut with things with yet another compulsive behaviour, stop the false belief system from gaining control of me again....... when I am getting well, the addict is doing push up quietlt at one corner, waiting for the righ moment to give another knock out punch ..... I started to fear again...... I need help.
Today, I will turn to my Higher Power, asking for HIS care, strength, and direction. I believed slowly, my inner emptiness will be filled with HIS LOVE for me. GOD, help me pls ......
For now, bAck to the basic again .... STEP 1-3
