Merry Christmas Greetings & Thanks Giving

Dear All

Year 2010 has been a extremely challenging, exciting and terbulance year for me and my family. Alot of things to learn from this year, and to be fair to myself, I have learnt my lessons well. hehehe This year, I have run a good race.

And I believe, all of us, to each of our own ability has run a good race this year .... give yourself a pad on the back.



The most exciting part of this year is seeing the true colours of many people around me 形形色色.

真的是日久见人心. But I still believe that there's kindness inside each and everyone of us...人心是善的 !!

Plenty of things to be grateful for ... however this year, it's sad that I can't share with you in the room where we built our fellowship and friendship .... but still you are still on my gratitude list. However, there some special mentions ....

Recalling the incident back in May 2010 ..... I wouldn't have able to go thru it safely without you guys.......

Raymond, Cheah, Daniel, Joseph, Steven, Jason, Uncle Poh ...

Thank you very much for all the help during that very difficult period for me. I really appreciate it very much.

Mike, you are one of god's gift to me. Thanks for everything you have done for me, the help you have given me since we met. I enjoyed every moment of the time we spent together. Thanks for treating me like a real brother. I really treasure our brotherhood. Thanks Brother.

Johari, coming 4years since we met ... recalling your warm welcome in that special room , your warm smile, warm hug ... it has kept me going for the last 4 years. It has infected me, and I am glad that over the past 4 years, I am able to pass it on (the warm welcome) to every new comers that comes into my recovery support grp.... make them felt a sense of not-being-alone anymore .... Till today, I still enjoy every little meeting we had ... there's always so much to share to catch up ... Thanks buddy.

My children, Celena, Benjamin and Carys ... alot had happend between us this year. Regardless of the happenings, it is really a awakening journey for me. Celena, I have learnt alot from all the drama that happened to us this year and Dad still love you just as much. Benjamin, I am proud of your PSLE achievement simply bcos you have worked hard and done your best. Carys, you have never failed to brighten up my day!! Children, I believed that we are bounded even much closer after this year.

The most amazing person in my life all this while of none other than you, Winnie ..... my dearest wife. Simply put it in a sentence ... "I wouldn't have survived till today without your unconditioned love for me .... " thanks for still treating me as a little child, keeping check on me and giving me pocket money each day. This has kept me safe hahaha Love U.

王慧国居士, thanks for your guidance and the skills you have taught me during the holiday.... it's really a big milestone and breakthrough in my life.... 谢谢师父。

And of course without them I won't be here ....... and during my rock bottom, without their tough love for me, not bailing me out anymore, I have that chance of re-born and live my life again .... To my dearest Parent, thanks for not giving up on me and your tough love. Slowly but surely, I will make it right and make it there :)

Finally, everything started and also ending with GOD. A Big THANK YOU !!

我佛慈悲怜悯。。阿弥陀佛

Merry Christmas to All

May the year 2011 brings you lots of blessings, love and good health.

Though a new year, new challenges but one thing remains always the same for me ....

"I am still powerless over my addictions, and my life is still unmanageable." 

But slowly, steadily and surely, I am making progress.

GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU.

Thanks For The Concerns

Dear Fellowship and Friends,

I recieved quite a number of calls and concern emails on why I am not at the meeting and wondering whether something has happened to me or there's some issues at home ...

Some has even wonder that I have relasped and feeling too shameful or guilty to go back .... Hahaha

Thanks for all the concerns. I am doing well and fine. My family is well and fine. We are standing together, walking the journey together in recovery. Though there's some struggle and obstacles in the recent month where I was out of job, resting and awaiting for my students to resume their tuitions. But still, together as a unit, my family survive it well happily and better than the same period in previous years.

THIS IS WHAT I MEANT BY PROGRESS .... 

I walked out from Nams with my head held high up. There's no shame and guilt. If there's such feeling, it's definitely not coming from me.



Do doubt that my ego and pride was hurt by the insult, but I walked out to protect my own dignity and pride, to protect my own recovery. So don't worry, I am still standing tall. Btw, work has slowly resumed for me so income will slowly be stable again.

Once again, thanks for the concern. It's a choice that I have made.

Take care of yourself, your recovery and your family. God Bless

Losing Emotions ..... Don't Fall back into the Trap

I hate losing .... I dislike losing feeling ..... I dread the unlucky cycle !!!

It's very easy for a gambling addict to fall back into the gambling cycle again .... So during your recovery journey, it's important for you to work on your awareness, your emotions and your safety net against falling back into the trap.....

If you "Fall" ..... Quickly pick up yourself from the slippery slope, and prevent yourself from the free fall .... Don't sit there and cry, hit yourself and go into the mode of self-blaming and self destruction. Start climbing up the slope of recovery again!



When I admitted "I am a gambling addict", I understand that my brain function differently from normal people. The chemical in my brains are not balance anymore ..... Add on the the years of the false belief system, it's really a life-time battle. If I don't get it right this time, next time, doesn't mean I am a failure. As long as I have done my very best for that particular moment, to the best of my ability, it's ok.



In recovery, we seek progession and not prefection !!

So in order not to get trap back into it again, beware of the following emotions on the cycle of gambling

There is a well known pattern found in problem gambling. People with a gambling problem usually experience such emotions. The gambling cycle will continue until some significant commitment to due with these emotions .....

(1) Desire to Escape Emotional Crisis (self, at home or at work)
(2) Desire for Quick Money
(3) The Win  may be used to pay debts
(4) Start Chasing the Loss, feelings of panic and despair can drive a person to chase what has been lost.
(5) More Loss - Not accepting past losses. Believing that you are entitled to win more.

(6) Financial Crisis Again, being in further debt. Start borrowing.
(7) Greed

(8) Emotional Crisis

• Disappointment and dejection
• Great sense of remorse
• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
• Broken promises to self and others
• Guilt and Shame.
• Damage to self-esteem creates a need for a coping strategy - escaping the crisis by gambling (relapse).

(9) Finally - Dread,the intense reluctance to face THE situation. IN DEEP DENIAL


So, take care of yourself, your emotion well-being..... seek help early by talking to another recovery person. Don't wait till you fall all the way down the slippery.

Many of us in recovery found emotional relief right from the moment we started sharing the "truth". We were tired of pretending that our addiction and our lives were under control; it actually felt good to finally admit they weren’t.



After sharing our inventory honestly, we began to feel like we didn’t have to deny who we were or what we felt in order to be accepted. When we’d finished making our amends, we knew we didn’t have to suffer with guilt; we could own up to it and it wouldn’t kill us. The more we worked our recovery program, the better we felt about living life as it came to us, even if we have a slip or relaspe. But we could prevent ourselves from going back to destructive gambling!!

By taking stock of our day, getting honest about our part in it, and surrendering to reality, we can survive the feelings life throws our way. By using the tools available to us, we’ve developed the ability to survive our emotions.



Remember, it's not the end of the world. We all being through this before. Try and Try again.

In recovery, it's one day at a time, easy does it, turn it over.

The Beginning Of My New Recovery Journey

To My Fellowship at NAMS,

My recovery journey with NAMS has finally come to an end. I am grateful for the recovery time I spent with NAMS over the past 4 years, especially with you guys. I have benefitted alot from the time I spent at NAMS and I really enjoy the fellowship we had together, the honest, open, emotional sharing, the pain, the tears and the laughter. However, the insult and humiliation I recieved this time is really a very bitter pill for me to swallow. Though, in the past, various organisation has done that to me before ...

" Need me, Nice to me, Use me ! Dn't need me, Political to Me, Reject me and Dump me aside"

But this time, when it came from the person, organisation I least expected, it's indeed very painful. Given that these people are "professional" at NAMS, they have all the right to judge me based on their professional assessment. So to be fair, it's time to move on, if I can't swallow that insult and humiliation.

Looking back 48months ago when I first joined the RSG, from a very small group, walking the journey with different batches of people seeking help, some came, some left after a while and of course the current stable group of fellowship that kept coming back and remains. I dare to say I am a big part of the RSG, I have hold the hands of many at their desparate stages and walked along with them in their early recovery. I spent time with them, sharing with them my strength and experiences, helping them with issues, life's challenging issues like

• loansharks harassessment
• police investigations
• debts repayment
• migitation for court hearing
• speaking to their loved ones
• time in imprisionment
• re-employment 

..... But most importantly, help them to keep coming back to the RSG room, and together we share how we could use our strength and experiences to face and cope with life on life's issue.

Since May 2008, I have always volunteer my services, doing outreach program, sharing my story and strength with many gambling addicts. I am doing these for my own recovery, because by sharing with others, I am actually helping myself. The theraputic relationship/value of one addict helping another is without parallel. I, myself, in the early recovery have met such recovery people who help me, hold my hand and walked with me. These are God's gifts for me in my recovery and I wanted to pass them on to the next addict that wants help.

All these while, I have never expect any gratitude or appreciation from those that I have helped as this is my recovery, and I am willing to help.

In recent times, I have shared honestly in every meeting about my struggles and times that return back to small bets to cope with my life issues, especially those days which there's no job, no income, no saving. It's always on the back on my mind, quick fix soultion for me, choosing the next game to win a few quick bucks.

I am a gambling addict. The urges to use gambling, esp my favourite soccer betting as a quick fix solution is always on my mind. I always share that openly and there's nothing to hide. I share with my wife too. I have to do that. Honesty in Recovery is utmost important. Even till today, I don't hold on to money. I only take pocket money from her. So it was never destructive and I would never return to destructive gambling because I treasure what I have today.

SO Why I left ? What's the insult so big and bitter that I can't swallow since what I share was honest and I have learn to be humble to listen and accept what others have to say ....

From the start, I have never ask for any recognition, I have never asked to put my name down as a official NAMS volunteer when they formed up this official "NAMS Volunteer" group which needs to be interview by a panel of "professional" at NAMS. The closest person in NAMS working with me, ask me whether I am keen to join because they shortlisted me. I told him I understand the red-tape and white-tape in the management and perhaps they do mind about my sharing and about my past and current situation. He said no problem and let the interview panel decide.

OKAY, I replied. Weeks passed and there was no news and update. I told myself, Fine, no problem and I will carry on doing what I always been doing ...... till one day, this person called me and told me the management had a meeting, and he and some other professional assess that because of my current situation, they advise me that I am not suitable to join their volunteer group! They did this without even giving me a interview like they did to other volunteer ....

What bullshit ..... I told myself ... Of all people, coming from where I least expected where he knows how much work I have put into my recovery and also in reaching out to other addicts, the number of people that has benefitted from my outreach and sharing. And the fact that we went stage together to give a talk to a organisation in MCYS .... the interviews I was requested to do in the past, the article I was told to contribute to their books, the calls I received from them to talk to some of the new comers etc ....Unbelievable!!!

It's a great insult and humiliation to me .... I was overwhelmed with emotions and very disappointed .... Angry... I was hurt ... My ego and pride was very hurt .... "I am not suitable" to be their volunteer or perhaps I do not meet their requirement!

Indeed it's a bitter pill to swallow.... But I have to swallow and learn to swallow. They are the Professionals in Addiction and Recovery and I am just a Gambling addict. They have all the right to assess me and judge me. They are Professionals from NAMS.

Nothing to hide.... to them, I am not Clean ... Perhaps My honest sharing poses danger to the new comers....

To them, I am not good enough. But does this means I find a reason to go back to destructive gambling? Of course not Silly!! It will motivate me even more. It will allow me to spend more time and energy in my own family members and my own future development =)

I may not be good enough for NAMS volunteer group, for the RSG they are running. But let me share with you this ... Today, after 48 months in my recovery journey, I am proud of my own recovery and I will con't my recovery journey.

I don't need to answer to anyone or compare my recovery with anyone. It's my recovery and I own it. Today...

I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR MYSELF !!

I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY WIFE !!

I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY CHILDREN !!

I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY PARENT NOT TO WORRY ABOUT ME !!

AND

I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO SHARE MY STRENGTH AND MY EXPERIENCES WITH MANY GAMBLING ADDICTS STILL SUFFERING OUT THERE BECAUSE I REACH OUT TO THEM WITH A SINCERE HEART !!

People, places and things changes in Recovery.... Perhaps God has open a new door for me some where. It's time to move on liao.

Thank you all for the good time in our fellowship which I treasure it very much. Will continue to keep in touch with all of you and we could meet up for kopi and makan to have a chat. In recovery, it only takes 2 person to have a recovery meeting.  

Keep yourself safe, one day at a time, easy does it and turn it over.

Take care and God Bless