"Do I Really Need It ?? " or "Do I Want to have it ??"
In the past, during my gambling days ... I wouldn't even need to struggle with such thoughts at all. Whatever is being given to me or offered to me, I will just gladly take it with open arms and then justified my "needs" ot "why I take it" with loads of beautiful reasons !!! Exactly the same when I place A BET !!! I have loads of reasons to always justify my next bet .....
Even till today ... Now it seems like the BEST REASON I used to justify when I place my next bet is either
"I am a gambling addict" or
"No harm done, I just buying a HOPE nw. I am not betting like before !!"
Hahaha ..... is it really true ?? There is a still a certain great degree of DENIAL in me. Of course, I need not answer to anyone. I only need to answer to myself. I can lie to the whole world but I wld never lie to myself. I would never want to carry those excess baggages of lies anymore.
DO I WANT TO BET or DO I NEED TO BET ??
Now, back to the incident that lead me to have some thoughts for myself.....
Someone close to me wanted to buy me a laptop .... for the purpose of the work I am doing and helping her .... Initially, I was overwhelmed and delighted as I wanted to have a laptop for a long time. So I gladly accepted it as partly it's work related. So I went around hunting for it and comparing pricing. Once I zoom in to the machine I wanted, I got the money from her and went to it.
However, when I was about to make that payment, there was a huge force opposing me and kept questioning me, "Do you really need it ??" .... it kept haunting me till I back out and walk out of the shop. I ordered a cold drinks, sat down and talk to myself..... What's the problem with me ? Now, I never ask for it, it was offered to me, it's partly work related, why can't I get it ??? BUT the same old questions persist .... DO I NEED IT or is it just purely I WANT IT !!!
After some serious struggle, I then confessed to myself, "I DON't REALLY NEED IT !!!!" No matter what, it's still other people hard earned money and If I doing ok and coping ok without a laptop, then why use the money .... on the other hand, it may start to divert my attention from my daily lifes again .....
I quietly calm myself down. Tell myself it's the right thing to do and return home and told my wife my decision of not getting the laptop. Then my wife asked, " Did you think of using the money to gamble today ?" hahaha
The next day, I returned the money. Then I felt a sense of joy ..... but somehow as the day went by, in the night, I felt aggitated again .... for watever reasons I'm unclear !!! But I didn't dwell in the thoughts and went to bed early.....
I am indeed amazed with myself and I believed when I return the money and explaining to the person why I decide against buying, I think she wld be amazed too bcos in the past, this won't happen......
So have recovery change me ??? When people ask me, I prefer to leave it to the people close to me to answer this question ....
But do you still place a bet ??? When people ask me this, I prefer to say the truth, yes I do. And I still enjoying it very much especially over soccer games....
But why do you wana bet ??? hahaha now instead of using my standard answers, I have to start question myself ...
DO I WANT TO BET or DO I NEED TO BET ??
