How many of you in recovery felt this way ???
This is exactly how I feel even till today trying so hard ...... to change.... to take care of my family..... to rebuild broken relationships. .....
8 years since I surrender .... seek treatment. .... serve my term .... and rebuilding my life .....
BBut .... I will never be good enough for the society .... for the people around me ....
Every time there is a conflict, crisis, argument, fights at home with family , parents, spouse, kids...... seems like I am just being discounted and disqualified ...
SEEMS TO BE ..... I AM THE CAUSE OF EVERYTHING ......
Really depressing at times ..... and most of the time, I just have to swallow down everything and said ....
"SORRY and I am the one who F it up ....."
Then My mind will start to fight back ....
So why don't just continue and gamble and fight back ..... my luck may just change..... and I can have my break again.
there is no way I can have my break once i am in recovery and constantly remind myself ...
I AM A GAMBLING ADDICT ... AND MY LIFE IS unmanageable .....
Perhaps the winning is around the Corner ....
Perhaps now with the losing experiences .... I can start winning
ONCE I have enough money to pay off my debts, to provide for my family, to bring them for holiday ..... (I unable to do all these ......)
PERHAPS then people will see me differently .....
PERHAPS my ego and self esteem wld be better ....
PERHAPS I can have some say during conflicts, during crisis, during fights......
PERHAPS I won't be the cause and can be the solution for everything ......
Perhaps I can be granted this wish ..... since I have been trying so hard in recovery ...
So with the money I have in my pocket ..... I decided to try again..
More Careful .... More Calculated ..... More strategist ....
Results = = SAME OLD SHIT AND STORY AGAIN .....
WHY is IT SO ???? Because I can't even afford to lose those little amount I have in hands ...... So there are so much fear with those so much bad memories of the past ....
And Having come such a long way ..... its really a struggle again
GAMBLING DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY BETTER ......
WINNING IS NOT FOREVER ..... HOW CAN I MAKE WINNING A ALL TIME THINGY ??
Today ...... Gambling is still seems to be my only solution to all my problems in life .....
Even IF I CAN ACCEPT NO SOLUTION AS A SOLUTION .... MY FAMILY CAN'T !!!
SO AT THE END OF THE DAY ....
I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AGAIN .......
So I am holding on to A DREAM ..... making A WISH ....... hanging on to A HOPE .... and I choose to BELIEVE ......
