I am fucked up????

In recovery, i learnt it the hard way....

Regardless how much effort i put in ... how much i have changed......

I will never be able to make it  up...

I betrayal in the past... the hurt ... the pain i have caused for everyone in the family...

My parents.. my wife .. my children ...

It will never be the same again!!

During their good times... they will not remember anything and continue to be good to you... everything seems well and rosy...

But in time of crisis... adversity or facing life challenges. ... they all will have a go at me.... and said how fucked i was to have caused all these...

The more I try to explain .... the worst it gets.......

Nevermind ...Continue to fuck me...

Im Fine

I get what i deserved....
Even when all of you.... even my love ones keep saying how fuck i was.... and how fuck im now...

But that doesn't stop me from trying ...... and continue to learn to be a better Son ... a better husband.. a better father. ... and a better Man.

One day .... i believe one day .....

I will hear them saying.....

He is a good son
He is a good husband
He is a good father
He is a good grandpa...

Till then .... i will keep trying ....

Keep Going....

Even if I don't know where i am heading....

I will keep trying different doors... different windows. ..

You never try ... You never know. ..

When going thru recovery... we go thru healing....

But during this healing process... one must be aware that ... the damages that were done in the past still exists. ..

But this doesn't mean that we must be held hostage by the pasy damages..

We may not be forgiven in this life time
...... but we must not let these past damages control our life...

Let go ... Let God....

让我们一起加油吧！

DON'T Let the Past Hold you HOSTAGE

I didn't choose to be a gambling addict from day one.......

But i became an addict.... I can't turn back the clock. ...

10years flew past in recovery ... And my recovery is still under construction. ...

It becomes so clear and apparent that people around me who grew up with my past destructive behaviour still very much affected by my past. .... they are still feeling insecure and to certain extend .. still feeling hurt...

While I admitted the fact I'm maybe the cause of all these damages I hv done..... but i may not be their solutions.....

If i continue to let the past hold me hostage. ........ i will always be the prisoners of the Past....

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BE. ....

I HAVE A CHOICE....

I will continue to rebuild. .. to reconstruct .. and to continue to change for the better ....

That's the only thing i can do on a daily basis now.

Tales As Old as Time

Once upon a time.... i took everything, everyone around for granted bcos i was always so lucky. .

Whenever in trouble. .. there is always someone or something that bailed me out of the shit ...

Then one day ...... it all crashed.... i lost everything. .. everyone left .... no one trusted me anymore. .... even the nicest people.... and all my love ones....

They told me ... it's time to wake up my fking idea and change. ....

Yup i was forced to change then... but wasn't sincere at the beginning.... and kept fighting back saying "I HV ALREADY CHANGE WHAT!!"

It wasn't from my heaert.... It wasn't sincere...

So Nothing Changes...........

Till one day ..... i really decided to change

Then Miracle starts to happen.

"TALES AS OLD AS TIME ....."

Miracle Does Happen

I believe in Miracle ....

Anything is possible ....

But this doesn't apply to the Next Bet????
Hahahaha

Miracle of Recovery!!! Not Miracle of the Next Bet!!

Where to draw that line???

That's why it is always so frustrating. .. and a constant struggle of recovery in real life!!!!

Isn't recovery itself it's also A Bet in Life??

No sure win in recovery right?

Anyone sure that i wont strike the next jackpot???

What's right to do??? Placing the next bet isnt right?????

My dear friends......

Recovery isnt about not betting or stop gambling! !!!

Recovery is abt changes in Oneself !!

If your Attitude in life has changed...
If your Behaviour has changed....
If your Temper has changed....
If your love for gambling has changed...

Perhaps then you can try the next bet..

Hahahaha not anyone can be Messi...

But gamblers like me... sure can be very Messy ...

Do it Now.

Maybe ... just give me one more go at it..

I hv won before. ..
I WON big before...

I hv got good feel that it will come out..

If no joy then later I will stop completely. ...

Familiar? ??? Hahaha

But some how.... the later will never come.

Sharing My Experience and Strength

I feel that the approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. I feel that one addict can best understand and help another addict....

But it could be a double edged sword if one is not careful and one's ego got inflated and start to ''carry'' the addict..

My approach is .... Sharing My Experiences and Strength. ...

I dun expect them to follow what i did... each and every individual is different though the disease of addiction is the same.

I just wana share and help them see HOPE.