Financial Fears

Since released .... I had been so strong, so brave, so trusting for so long. I has worked courageously at being grateful for what I had, while setting financial goals and working at believing I deserved something better ...

I had put up with so much poverty, so much deprivation since surrendering for treatment ... since the day I admitted "Im powerless over my gambling addiction ..... " . Daily, I work the Eleventh Step. I worked so hard at praying for the knowledge of God's will for me only, and the power to carry it through. I believe I was doing what I needed to do in my life. I was doing my best, working my hardest, one day at a time.

And there just wasn't enough money. Life had been a struggle in many ways, but the financial struggle seemed endless.

Money isn't everything, BUt it takes money to solve certain problems. At times, I was just so sick of people telling me "let go and let GOD do the rest" ..... I was sick of acting and pretending everything is gona be ok and GOD will rescue me ..... and acting as if I head enough money. Everyday, I have to work so hard just to learn to "LET GO" of the pain and the fear anbout not having enough family to feed my family, keep my shelter intact, pay for medical bills, kids education etc. .....

Actually, looking back, there were times I was happy. I had found my soul and regain my sanity in poverty. BUT now that I had my soul, my sanity and my self, I WANTED some money too.

Many times while I was struggling in pain and fear, I heard GOD speak to me in silent ....

"YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN CHILD. NOT UNLESS YOU WANT TO. I TOLD YOU THAT I WOULD TAKE CARE OF YOU. AND I WILL"

Great I though. Thanks alot. I believe you and trust you. BUT LOOK AROUND .... I have no money ... I am running out of resources ..... I thought again - - - "YOU LET ME DOWN"

Again I hear HIS voice ...

"YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN.YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID. I PROMISED TO MEET ALL YOUR NEEDS".

I went around trying to solve the money problem my ways ..... hahaha at times still praying for GOD to grant my wife a big WIND-FALL in all the luck draws contest she took part in ..... it never happen ....

Day by Day it passes, I still have enough to feed the family, I still have enough means and support for my family necessity ..... there are helps given to me by various social services ..... I was given more and more part-time assignments , projects .... and I am starting to bring enough home ...

Since that day I surrender ..... I have had hard times, but I have never had to go without - - not for more than a moment in time.

Now, I have just enough ... I still worry about money becos that seems to be habitual..... I will continue to learn that "I DON'T HAVE TO ...... "

GOD, help me work hard at what I believe is right for me in my life today, and I will trust you for the rest. Help me let go of my fears about money. Help me turn that area over to you, GOD.