The Beginning Of My New Recovery Journey

To My Fellowship at NAMS,

My recovery journey with NAMS has finally come to an end. I am grateful for the recovery time I spent with NAMS over the past 4 years, especially with you guys. I have benefitted alot from the time I spent at NAMS and I really enjoy the fellowship we had together, the honest, open, emotional sharing, the pain, the tears and the laughter. However, the insult and humiliation I recieved this time is really a very bitter pill for me to swallow. Though, in the past, various organisation has done that to me before ...

" Need me, Nice to me, Use me ! Dn't need me, Political to Me, Reject me and Dump me aside"

But this time, when it came from the person, organisation I least expected, it's indeed very painful. Given that these people are "professional" at NAMS, they have all the right to judge me based on their professional assessment. So to be fair, it's time to move on, if I can't swallow that insult and humiliation.

Looking back 48months ago when I first joined the RSG, from a very small group, walking the journey with different batches of people seeking help, some came, some left after a while and of course the current stable group of fellowship that kept coming back and remains. I dare to say I am a big part of the RSG, I have hold the hands of many at their desparate stages and walked along with them in their early recovery. I spent time with them, sharing with them my strength and experiences, helping them with issues, life's challenging issues like

• loansharks harassessment
• police investigations
• debts repayment
• migitation for court hearing
• speaking to their loved ones
• time in imprisionment
• re-employment 

..... But most importantly, help them to keep coming back to the RSG room, and together we share how we could use our strength and experiences to face and cope with life on life's issue.

Since May 2008, I have always volunteer my services, doing outreach program, sharing my story and strength with many gambling addicts. I am doing these for my own recovery, because by sharing with others, I am actually helping myself. The theraputic relationship/value of one addict helping another is without parallel. I, myself, in the early recovery have met such recovery people who help me, hold my hand and walked with me. These are God's gifts for me in my recovery and I wanted to pass them on to the next addict that wants help.

All these while, I have never expect any gratitude or appreciation from those that I have helped as this is my recovery, and I am willing to help.

In recent times, I have shared honestly in every meeting about my struggles and times that return back to small bets to cope with my life issues, especially those days which there's no job, no income, no saving. It's always on the back on my mind, quick fix soultion for me, choosing the next game to win a few quick bucks.

I am a gambling addict. The urges to use gambling, esp my favourite soccer betting as a quick fix solution is always on my mind. I always share that openly and there's nothing to hide. I share with my wife too. I have to do that. Honesty in Recovery is utmost important. Even till today, I don't hold on to money. I only take pocket money from her. So it was never destructive and I would never return to destructive gambling because I treasure what I have today.

SO Why I left ? What's the insult so big and bitter that I can't swallow since what I share was honest and I have learn to be humble to listen and accept what others have to say ....

From the start, I have never ask for any recognition, I have never asked to put my name down as a official NAMS volunteer when they formed up this official "NAMS Volunteer" group which needs to be interview by a panel of "professional" at NAMS. The closest person in NAMS working with me, ask me whether I am keen to join because they shortlisted me. I told him I understand the red-tape and white-tape in the management and perhaps they do mind about my sharing and about my past and current situation. He said no problem and let the interview panel decide.

OKAY, I replied. Weeks passed and there was no news and update. I told myself, Fine, no problem and I will carry on doing what I always been doing ...... till one day, this person called me and told me the management had a meeting, and he and some other professional assess that because of my current situation, they advise me that I am not suitable to join their volunteer group! They did this without even giving me a interview like they did to other volunteer ....

What bullshit ..... I told myself ... Of all people, coming from where I least expected where he knows how much work I have put into my recovery and also in reaching out to other addicts, the number of people that has benefitted from my outreach and sharing. And the fact that we went stage together to give a talk to a organisation in MCYS .... the interviews I was requested to do in the past, the article I was told to contribute to their books, the calls I received from them to talk to some of the new comers etc ....Unbelievable!!!

It's a great insult and humiliation to me .... I was overwhelmed with emotions and very disappointed .... Angry... I was hurt ... My ego and pride was very hurt .... "I am not suitable" to be their volunteer or perhaps I do not meet their requirement!

Indeed it's a bitter pill to swallow.... But I have to swallow and learn to swallow. They are the Professionals in Addiction and Recovery and I am just a Gambling addict. They have all the right to assess me and judge me. They are Professionals from NAMS.

Nothing to hide.... to them, I am not Clean ... Perhaps My honest sharing poses danger to the new comers....

To them, I am not good enough. But does this means I find a reason to go back to destructive gambling? Of course not Silly!! It will motivate me even more. It will allow me to spend more time and energy in my own family members and my own future development =)

I may not be good enough for NAMS volunteer group, for the RSG they are running. But let me share with you this ... Today, after 48 months in my recovery journey, I am proud of my own recovery and I will con't my recovery journey.

I don't need to answer to anyone or compare my recovery with anyone. It's my recovery and I own it. Today...

I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR MYSELF !!

I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY WIFE !!

I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY CHILDREN !!

I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY PARENT NOT TO WORRY ABOUT ME !!

AND

I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO SHARE MY STRENGTH AND MY EXPERIENCES WITH MANY GAMBLING ADDICTS STILL SUFFERING OUT THERE BECAUSE I REACH OUT TO THEM WITH A SINCERE HEART !!

People, places and things changes in Recovery.... Perhaps God has open a new door for me some where. It's time to move on liao.

Thank you all for the good time in our fellowship which I treasure it very much. Will continue to keep in touch with all of you and we could meet up for kopi and makan to have a chat. In recovery, it only takes 2 person to have a recovery meeting.  

Keep yourself safe, one day at a time, easy does it and turn it over.

Take care and God Bless