(Updated 9 nov 2019)
In my last 13 years of recovery... life is full of storm ...
Now... still the same.... but I always tell myself this
A Smooth Sea Never Made a Skillful Sailor. It's easy to become discouraged and beat myself up over mishaps and when things go wrong.....
Acting in impulse all the time during my active addiction ... so....
It will take some effort to shift one's mind and not easy.... even to take a deep breath and calm down.
A good seaman weathers the storm he cannot avoid, and avoids the storm he cannot weather.
I dropped my ''anchor''. Thought I found my destination..... ..... decided to rebuild my life and found new motivation .... and I kept going bcos of this motivation!! I believe in this motivation.... I trust this motivation.
I hang on to one belief..... ''HOPE'' ... this word gave me the strength....
After today 27 March...... 72 ..... I'm letting go of this HOPE. Maybe being forced to Let Go.... such coincidence I am born in 1972 too.
It's all bullshit.... A bullshit that I believe...
And left me heart broken and disappointed and this time.... totally broken this time as I really deeply rooted ... but honestly..... perhaps you are right .. I don't deserve 'it'
Never felt this way for a long long time.
Time is running out for me. I'm not fighting it anymore.
You came back... telling me it was ok! You put on a mask... and deceived me again.... I didn't realised you are the real Addict! I didn't realised that you are making use of me all these while!
I believed in you.... trusted you. Start to Place my bet ...... yesssss you make me happy with selective wins...
But what I didn't realised that .... you are plotting something behind my back..... waiting for the moment that I trusted you fully .... and then bang...
You deceived me.... and betrayed me.
I saw that coming.... but bcos I am addict... and you are my only hope and motivation.... SO I decided to hold on to this hope and trusted you ...
You killed me!! Yet again......
I am devastated...... then a word whisper into you ear.....
"" You deserved it! This is karma! No one force you to believe in this hope and motivation!!
It's your choice and you are fully responsible for your choice""
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