Life in Recovery

Life itself is subjective .... Recovery life is even more subjective .....

I could live my recovery life like in heaven heaven or I could treat it like in hell .....

I have a choice, you have a choice too ....

In recovery, it's all up to me ... I hv a choice today ...

~~ My Inner Voice Speaks to Mi ~~

I am told to keep things simple in recovery..... I always share with recovery people or many times people who faces problems in their life but they are not addicts

-- keep things simple, focus on one thing at a time, one day at a time. Simple things that we can do within our ability.....

..... however when things are simple, I started to feel bored and monotonous, making things difficult for myself .... eventhough I had such awareness, I built enough safety net, knowing that I wld fall into yet another trap... I didn't stop myself ..

YOU know what's the excuse....

"there is no damages done, no destructive to my curreent life, but I like that thrill and excitment of doing things secretly and if my luck is good, there's more reward"

SICK ..... DISGUSTED

I really do desire for some Excitments, Highs .... Sediation, Thrills ...... I tried to replace with simple things ... they didn't work for me ... but they keep me safe

What's wrong with me ?? Why just can't I constantly keep things simple and go with the flow ..... why am I still not happy... Im grateful to what's happening to me today. BUT I am not happy.... Then I started to realise the beauty of 1day @ a time ... This is how I managed my recovery and make progress for the past 36months..

When things got complicated, I always play it down and keep it simple ...focusing on things I could do ... just for today... it works but it doesn't mean I am not happy..... still I am very grateful

But when people ask me what's makes you happy then ?? Or sometimes I asked myself this simple questions ....... before I cld answer those questions,

Oh no ... I felt totally disgusted, shameful with my own answers .... sometimes even angry and pekchek too!!!

My life today is built on the foundation of my recovery, my recovery principles.

I know it will take a long time. Those things are are embedded in my mind, in my false belief systems will take a long time and required my conscious effort to remove them and replace them with the healthy ones ..... It may not work, it may not make me happy, high, excited or thrill BUT it will definitely keep me safe, so I could keep my family safely intact in my recovery.

Staying Grateful keep me sane, safe and serene maybe just for toay ......

But My life is just 1day@atime

God, Thank you.

"Know the Line" .....

The lastest campaign in Singapore to fight against problem gambling is on ..... you could see this TV commerical on the TV till end of the end 2009 and again during next year Chinese New Year period ... attached below is the link where the director of the ad, Eric Khoo spoke abt his new release which took him 3mths to film this 30sec advertisment .....

http://www.razor.tv/site/servlet/segment/main/news/local/38584.html


How do you feel after seeing glimse of the ad ......

I felt lousy honestly ..... My youngest is the same age as the girl in the ad .....

Yesterday was the launch of the campaign .... I was wondering the whole night, especially after I did a presentation on problem gambling to a group of students at an institution ...

1) why continue to shame the addict when recovery is already so painful ...

2) why never educate the general public that gambling addiction is an "illness" that can be arrested ...

3) why never highlight on the positive aspect of recovery .... the "light" down the tunnel ...

4) why not educate the public on "what is recovery" ???

5) does it really serve education purpose or traumatise the problem gamblers and the family..

6) for those already in recovery or family in recovery, how wld they feel .....


Perhaps this is the culture of Singapore...... .... I am just puzzled .... I shook my head in disbief when I saw the ad .... I felt so much pain, so much shame, suddenly I felt my head so painful ....

I have no doubt that education on knowing the line is important..... raising awareness is important .... but what's next ?? didn't we raise enough awareness of the last 3years on problem gambling ......

Do a survey again .... how many agree that this is indeed an illness, a chronic disease that need to be treated and can be arrested ... many wld say this is a moral weakness, spiritual weakness or plain "no good" ... or simply problem gamblers are greedy !!!

So what if the problem gamblers know the line .... ?? So what's now if we cross the line .... ?? how much do people know what happen once we stopped gambling ...... how much do people know about us like the hull of the ships with a huge hole and multiple small holes that need to be fixed ... ??

how much do people know what kind of help we need ... just simply call the hotline , go for counseloring and that's it ....

Why not highlight the positive of recovery .... why not tell people more about recovery .. why not show people that there's light at the end of the tunnel ... why why why ... why want to continue to use shame and fear tactics .....

I have no answer ..... I just have to trust God that everything is plan according to HIS purpose ... perhaps it served the purpose of the big picture ... achieving the KPI, stakeholders objectives....

I just have to write it down, process it, grief about it , and let it go .....

Life on life's term

Life won't turn rosy just bcos you stop gambling ..... I was told this when I first step into the room of recovery support group mtg .....

"Our destructive gambling addiction is just like a huge hole on the hull of the ship below the waterline. There are also many small holes around the hull of the ships which are like our character defects ..... "

Stop gambling is just the beginning, patching up the huge hole on the hull of the ship. If you don't deal with the multiple many small holes on the hull, the ship will still sink before it reach harbour safely....

On the way back to the harbour, we still got to face the various sea conditions which is never smooth sailing ..... with the damages done to the ship, the journey back is indeed gona be even more painful and challenging .... this is life on life's term ....

BUT no matter how we want to escape, we eventually have to stand on our own feet and face life on its own terms, so why not from the start of recovery? .... However, you need not go through this on your own anymore .... It's true but still sucks .... But I kept telling myself that I just have to learn to begin somewhere ... just one day at a time and deal with one thing at a time.

To be fair, looking back ..... “life on life’s terms” that I am now experiencing is quite a bit less stressful and painful than what I had to deal with each day in the beginning. Recovery, and life itself, certainly contain equal parts of pain and joy. For sure, I am definitely smiling more, feeling more serene and less explosive these days.

Thank God ......

"Magical Potion of Life"

Guess what .... I have been given the magical potion of life .......

I have been facing so much of resistance in life .... preventing myself from moving forward .... the burden, guilt and shame of the past .... the fear, anxiety of tomorrow ... the current daily challenges I am facing with my struggles, my finanical situations, family issues, my unstable job etc ....


Then I was told .... äcceptance ..... just accept it for today .... whatever the issues are, whoever the people may be, wherever the places and things it may be ... just accept it for the moment if you just can't do anything about it, then let it go, leave it aside and move on ...

Acceptance help me to cope for the day, esp for today ... move on to do my part, my role, my responsibilities for the day ... it's magical when I told myself ... accept ... let it go .... look at the positive and accept the negative aspect .... it works for me today ...


Magical .... try it if you just finding yourself suck in a situation or struggling with emotions and any issues that you felt so helpless and powerless ...

Ï am responsible for my recovery

The further I go in recovery, the more I am responsible for myself and my actions. By applying the principles of the my recovery program, I am able to change my live.

Today, i will let go of my guilt and fear abt my past and present circumstances. I will embrace my history, with its pain, its imperfections, its mistakes and its tragedies. It is uniquely mine, and intended for me. My present circumstances are exactly as they need to be - for NOW.

NOW - My existence takes on new meaning as I accept responsibility and the freedom of choice responsibility implies. I do not take my recovery for granted. I take responsibility for my recovery by working the program to the best of my ability. I go to meetings regularly and share with the newcomer what was freely given to me: the gift of recovery.

I become involved with our home group every Tuesday at NAMS and accept responsibility for my part in sharing recovery with the still-suffering gambling addict. As I learn how to effectively practice spiritual principles in all areas of my live, the quality of my live will improves.

Pep Guardiola .... "These things happen ... "

I really like what Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola told a news conference after the his team suffered the European CL home defeat last night .....

"These things happen. It's not the first time and I doubt it will be the last," he spoke at the news conference ..... "I didn't feel like we played a bad match." ......

These words motivate me especially after recent trouble times at home, the crisis I am going through in recent weeks, the constant inner struggles .... these happend despite me playing my part, playing a good game .... God is just so wonderful !!

Reading back the last wkend matches and yesterday games, I am so glad that I need not go thru the following routine again .....

"All the punter's favourites didn't clear the handicap .... punters struggling for payment to bookies on monday, handphone constant ringing or shaking in vibration mode ... minds trying to construct beautiful lies to borrow money from family and friends, faking MCs, borrow loan-sharks, expanding credit lines and credit cards cash advance ... just to pay up the bookies so that they could continue to fight back during the mid-week games ..... Now most are in bigger pile of shit ...... "

Comparing to the struggles, troubles and crisis that I am going through now, I am feeling more grateful ..... I definitely don't want to go back there ..... Thank God.

In the earlier morning daily spiritual reflections, I was stunned by the wisdom of God words yet again ...

"Accidents and Crisis in life are actually incidents according to God's plan to draw us closer to Him, and to be dependent on Him ..... " Im grateful that I found such a loving higher power who has been carrying me all these while .....

"Now .... it's always lose-lose for me .... "

.... Suddenly I realised .... it seems to be an awakening .....

Now ..... in any incident that happens, especially at home, at work or with your love ones .... be it a quarrel, a fight, any form of arguement or confrontation, regardless of what the outcome is .... I am always the bad guy .... I am always at a lose-lose situation .....

Is this self-pity ???? I guess not ....

God has a great sense of humor .... There is always something to learn from in times of troubles. Sadly to say, addict like me, can only be transformed under deep rock bottom troubles ......

Just give an anology .... A incident sparks a fight at home ... I was wrongly accused and abused so I was again in the defense mood and I fought back. In a rage of fire, I forgot about mercy again .... The sparks turn into fire .... major acident happened at home, someone got hurt not by me .... police came ..... no matter what's the outcome is ..... guess what ... all the arrow wld still be pointing against me ..... rite ??

So right from the beginning, why react ??? why be angry if I know that no matter what happen, at the end of the day, I am still at a lose-lose situation .....

Just take a look at the extend of the damages that gambling addiction has caused to my life and my family ......

Regret ??? ...... Don't know how to answer ... I have never asked to be a gambling addict .... I wouldn't be one if I know I am ending up as such a "state" .... always in a lose-lose situation .... nobody would right ??

In recovery, the only reason that I am living right now is bcos GOD found me ..... HE's carrying me ....

<< 2 Corinthians 1:9 >>

Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. (NIV)

What rubbish ... but it's true ..... I need mercy !!

Since released from behind bars, my life are progressing nicely.... God has shown me lots of grace, mercy and favours. Things are going good, getting better and each month in recovery brings more material and spiritual gifts.

My wife started to save a little money in the piggy bank. I am still letting her control all the money bcos I just cant handle money. We had a little new small car for me to get ard my job which required me to move around swiftly, and the rebuilding of relationship with my love ones are making good progress.

I started to havve a little self-confidence, and my faith in God Power is growing. Then, something happens....... Unexpected past debtors turn up, my elderst kid chalked up a hefty mobile bill, my love ones started to take me for granted, hurtful remarks and abusive words being spat at me, daily work getting tougher and more stressful, I started to fall sick ... all happening at the same period.

Right away, I felt anger, and felt victimized. “Where’s the justice?” I wailed. I told myself I had enough!!! I have been trying so hard to change for the past 3 years, trying to be a good husband, good father, a good son, a good person ..... why is this still happening to me again and again ???

I was filled with anger and fraustration.... I was sick but no one bothers...... I need a rest but work need to be done as this the critical stage of the year ..... I cant handle my emotions ... I let it out and there's a huge fight at home ....

Worst of it all, after work for the last 2 days, I didn't go home and buried myself in the betting outlet watching the live soccer games till very late and punting away, chasing the highs in my false belief system trying to beat the bookmakers !!! I foolishly, angrily justified my actions...... But inner-self I struggled .... I felt a great sense of guilt of my actions and reali don't know how to cope .... Suddenly I felt so depressed and hopeless again .... I wanted to seek sexual thrill but I wasn't gona fall into the trap of the devil ...... Lossing my 2 days pay is really very damaging .....

I finally pick up the phone, met a recovery friend and had a chat ..... After that I prayed to God, asking for mercy again ...... Then I take a look back on my own behavior, I found that I’ve been guilty of doing what’s just been done to me. I realize I wouldn’t really want justice—not for myself , and not for others. What I want now and needed now is mercy. I thank my loving God for the compassion I’ve been shown, and I took take some time to appreciate all the precious gifts that recovery brings.

I went back home, humbling ask for forgiveness, confess my actions and pass the remaining money to my wife again. I went to my eldest kid room, and said "Daddy is sorry" ......

I am still learning ... I am still in the process of change .... I notice once I think I am in control again, the devil of the disease of addiction always there to take control again..... so powerful, so cunning, so blaffing......... I am powerless over my life, my addiction, people, places and things around me. I have to let go of all control and let God.

Filling the Void .... Emptiness

During my destructive gambling, I could never get enough betting activities or money, or sex, or anything else. Even too much was never enough! Soccer betting is my only pleasure-able desire ...... There was a spiritual emptiness inside me.

In recovery, though I tried as hard as I could to fill that emptiness myself, I never succeeded... whenever I can't cope with life on life's term, I can't cope with the pressure cooker around me ..... I always go back to seek that "pleasure" within me which I desired so much, which has helped me to cope with my life for the past 28 years .... Though, I did it with lots of safety net by placing a small bet .... BUT DEEP INSIDE ME, I knew that's no such thing as safe bet, control bet ..... I am just seeking justification and immediate gratification. I am playing with fire again.

The worst thing is that my wife has saw my changes, consistence behaviour....... and when she noticed I am troubled and when I confessed to her I placed a small $5-$10 bet on a game, she said "it's ok. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing well. Just saty honest, remain this small bet and don't be out of control again" ... this is also enabling me ..... I felt shitty about this and I need to address this again..... Ï am really powerless over the addiction .......

"I have the desire to stop but I, too have that desire to be a good punter"

"I don't want to go back to my destructive behaviour but I am playing with Fire again"

Addiction is a chronic, cunning, powerful and blaffing disease ....

I then realised that I have yet to make that decision - "It's not my game anymore".

I have not surrender completely........ This is my real life struggle with addiction at the moment...... especially when everything seems to be going well for me, and when the wound started to heal well ... I thought it's ok for me if I can handle..... "didn't I felt the same way after every bail-out I had in the past "??

In the end of the day, I realized that I lacked the power to fill the emptiness; it would take a Power greater than myself to do that. I have to stop control betting, and stop trying to fill the emptiness in my gut with things with yet another compulsive behaviour, stop the false belief system from gaining control of me again....... when I am getting well, the addict is doing push up quietlt at one corner, waiting for the righ moment to give another knock out punch ..... I started to fear again...... I need help.

Today, I will turn to my Higher Power, asking for HIS care, strength, and direction. I believed slowly, my inner emptiness will be filled with HIS LOVE for me. GOD, help me pls ......

For now, bAck to the basic again .... STEP 1-3

“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment.”

Matthew 6:34
## Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own ##

Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us, like me, who’ve dodged it for so long. I dare not face it because I can't handle it....... I kept escaping into my world of fantasy, and false belief. I often thought, money is the solution to all my problems and I seriously believed it for years, since I started to place my first bet - of course I won.

In the past, I believed that "Money" was the cause of all my problem and "Gambling" was the only solution I know.

When I stopped gambling, I came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming...

• The overwhelming debts which I have to salute myself because I never even realized it was so huge, beyond my own imagination...


• The broken relationships around me which seems beyond repair, perhaps not in this life time.... making amends is a dreadful and haunting tasks


• The betrayal of my marriage was extremely damaging and painful for my wife......


• The lost of employment, spending time behind bars, the discrimination I faced in the community, the bankruptcy order, feeding the family ....


• And the past will always catch up with me ......

I often think that maybe I can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. I am so powerless of my addiction, my emotions, my life, the people, places and things around me !!! These thoughts feed themselves, and many at times, I was paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life. Many of times, in any conflicts at home, with people around me, the past often catch up with me. I am in recovery but they are not ..... Many still can't forget and let go of the pain I inflicted on them...... who can .... They may have forgiven me, but they will not forget the hurt, the pain I caused upon them. It is just too much for them to handle. So in many conflicts, I will be constantly reminded about what I have done in the past. I am being disqualified. I can't even defend myself now even it was about the past...... I suck my thumb, text a recovery friend, process my emotions and let the tears flow inwards.

I am grateful that I started recovery, surrendering in Jan 2007. I began my journey of recovery, stay in recovery till now and will always be in recovery.

• I don't have to win now


• I don't have to be in control now


• I don't have to provide any solution now


• I learn to accept the fact of the past, the cruelty of the present and the uncertainty of tomorrow


• I understand they are the victims of my addictions


• I just don't have to fix anything now

However, for me - Life sucks. I know I have to learn to enjoy little things in my life now. Honestly, I am grateful for the new lease of life that God has given me, but that doesn't mean I am happy. Perhaps I need to re-learn the meaning of "contentment"........

For this very moment, I don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so I learn to take them one at a time. I take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. In recovery, I learn to stay sober, sane and sincere just for today, and I approach my problems the same way.

When I live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect afterall.
One breath at a time, I can stay sober and learn to live.

Just for today, I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.

STOP LIVING IN THE PAST

Many compulsive gamblers struggle in the early days of their recovery, through looking back to their past life, burdening themselves with guilt, remorse, money they have lost, opportunities they have missed, or lack of progress at work. Our experience has shown that if we are to recover, these things must be left in the past and we must move on.

Guilt and remorse can cripple us. They are very close to self-pity. We must strive to replace them with the acceptance of responsibility, and make amends where we can.

Money lost

- We must accept that this money is gone. We have already spent considerable time and money trying to get it back, with no success. All we have achieved is more misery and more pain.

Opportunities missed

- If we come to accept a safe, and more prudent way of life, we will have more opportunities, and if we are free from gambling and living a useful life, we will be able to take advantage of them when they occur. The old ones are gone, look forward to the new ones.

Lack of progress at work

- What can be done in that field depends a lot on the age and abilities of the member. However, irrespective of age or ability, any member can become a better worker. Probably for the first time in years, we are able to concentrate on what our job requires us to do. We can channel the energy we needed for gambling into our daily tasks, then leave the rest to our own higher power.

To sum up, our experience has shown us that if we care to embark on a new life, free from gambling and all the problems and misery that gambling generates, then we must close the book on the life we are leaving behind.