Not Good Enough ......

How many of you in recovery felt this way ???

This is exactly how I feel even till today trying so hard ...... to change.... to take care of my family..... to rebuild broken relationships. .....

8 years since I surrender .... seek treatment. .... serve my term .... and rebuilding my life .....

BBut .... I will never be good enough for the society .... for the people around me ....

Every time there is a conflict, crisis, argument,  fights at home with family , parents, spouse,  kids...... seems like I am just being discounted and disqualified ...

SEEMS TO BE ..... I AM THE CAUSE OF EVERYTHING ......

Really depressing at times ..... and most of the time, I just have to swallow down everything and said .... 

"SORRY and I am the one who F it up ....."

Then My mind will start to fight back ....

So why don't just continue and gamble and fight back ..... my luck may just change..... and I can have my break again. 

there is no way I can have my break once i am in recovery and constantly remind myself ...

I AM A GAMBLING ADDICT ... AND MY LIFE IS unmanageable .....

Perhaps the winning is around the Corner ....

Perhaps now with the losing experiences .... I can start winning

ONCE I have enough money to pay off my debts, to provide for my family, to bring them for holiday  ..... (I unable to do all these ......)

PERHAPS then people will see me differently .....

PERHAPS my ego and self esteem wld be better ....

PERHAPS I can have some say during conflicts, during crisis, during fights......

PERHAPS I won't be the cause and can be the solution for everything ......

Perhaps I can be granted this wish ..... since I have been trying so hard in recovery ...

So with the money I have in my pocket ..... I decided to try again..

More Careful .... More Calculated ..... More strategist ....

Results = = SAME OLD SHIT AND STORY AGAIN .....

WHY is IT SO ???? Because I can't even afford to lose those little amount I have in hands ...... So there are so much fear with those so much bad memories of the past .... 

And Having come such a long way ..... its really a struggle again

GAMBLING DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY BETTER ......

WINNING IS NOT FOREVER .....  HOW CAN I MAKE WINNING A ALL TIME THINGY ??

Today ...... Gambling is still seems to be my only solution to all my problems in life .....

Even IF I CAN ACCEPT NO SOLUTION AS A SOLUTION .... MY FAMILY CAN'T !!!

SO AT THE END OF THE DAY ....

I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AGAIN .......

So I am holding on to A DREAM ..... making A WISH .......  hanging on to A HOPE .... and I choose to BELIEVE ......

Do I have any achievements in Life ???

Many think that we gambling addicts are just pain in the ass and nothing but trouble ...

Good for nothing .... just gamble our life away ..... 

Really ????

Back in 2006, the year I surrender myself for treatment and punished for my gambling related crimes..... 

I received this special medal from the Department Of Navy, US ... 
And I am a Singaporean, then Serving my country Navy since 1991 ....

What is this medal all about ??  In Summary.... 

NAVY ACHIEVEMENT MEDAL

The Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal is awarded to members of the Armed Forces, including members of Reserve components on active or inactive duty, of the grade of lieutenant commander/major and below.

The award shall be presented for meritorious service or achievement in combat or non-combat circumstances based on sustained performance or specific achievement of a superlative nature, and shall be of such merit as to warrant more recognition than is possible by a fitness report or performance evaluation, but which is not significant enough to justify a Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal or higher.

Professional achievement that merit the NA must:
(a) Clearly exceed that which is normally required or expected, considering the individual's grade or rate, training, and experience, and
(b) Be an important contribution of benefit to the United States and the Naval Service.

Leadership Achievement that merit the NA must:
(a) Be noteworthy
(b) Be sustained so as to demonstrate a high state of development or, if for a specific achievement, be of such merit as to earn singular recognition for the act, and
(c) Reflect most creditably on the efforts of the individual toward the accomplishment of the unit mission.

##################################

SO ....  Not a big deal to many, and also not many know about this.... it was given to me in simple ceremony in presence of a few big bosses ....

BUT it was something I am extremely proud of .... being recognised by other country professionals .... 

My own country has taken away and taken back all my medals ...... discredited me from all the hard work and good work, the great achievements I have given to the Navy, especially in the SAF DAY PARADE 2002  ... taken away everything, all my achievements  ..... BUT NOT THIS MEDAL ... 

During my trials in court ..... all the bosses that I have served ...... no one dared to write even a character reference for me ... ONLY ONE KIND BOSS ... willing to pen down a good reference for me, which even today, I am extremely grateful for  .... 

THE REST OF THEM distanced away from me because all holding very very high posts .......


But now in my real life .... Who cares.....  

no one would remember any of my achievements ...

I AM JUST A GAMBLING ADDICT ...... A SCUMBAG to MANY that has borrowed me money .......

So what is the purpose of writing this ...... 
what do I want to prove ????

8 years in recovery ..... tough and rough road ..... I really took a long time to pick myself up and find my feet again..... to kick start my life from point 0 ..... with no saving ... no help .... in a very unforgiving society in Singapore..... No matter what is my qualifications, what was my previous achievements , the medals that I have ....

No one will give me a chance .... if I don't give myself a chance ...

No one will bother after my past achievements .... but these achievements reminded me of my own strengths ...  and what I am capable of doing ......

Keep Going ......
Keep Trying .....

ONE DAY ...... ONE DAY ......  IT WILL HAPPEN

SOMEONE WILL RECOGNIZE THIS MEDAL AND WILL BE OFFERING THIS GUY WITH THE MEDAL ANOTHER BIG BREAK IN LIFE  .....

Progress

Slow progress is better than no progress...

No matter how slow in recovery ....
Even if you are still gambling ...
Even if you cant stop completely ...

It is ok ....

As long as you are trying ...

Stop destructive gambling gambling and stop all illegal gambling activities and borrowing first .... that's important to preserve your life and keep your family ...

Then take it slowly.....
one step at a time ....

No matter what ...
Just keep on the path of recovery ...

Keep the faith
Keep going

Pressure

Too much pressure from the overwhelming issues that arises from your destructive gambling ??

Then it's time for you to learn to "Let Go" of the unnecessary ones ... 

And Stop creating new ones with more gambling activities ....

At times, things will go even worst if you are trying to cope with the intense pressure of whatever one is facing ....

Let it all go for a while ....

Ignore what others got to say and all ego issues ....

For once, tell yourself ..

I am going to take good care of my own mental well being first then slowly resolve the "pressuring issues" one by one ...

Remember, regardless of what happened ...

Life goes ON!!

WHY GAMBLING ADDICT CAN'T STOP

This is a post which I done in 2008 when I was two years in my recovery journey ...

I did a inventory of myself, in situations during my active and destructive gambling days ...

"WHY I SIMPLY CANNOT STOP GAMBLING ...... "

Why should I stop ?

I am just out of luck, suay and out of bullets at the moment.

I win before and I have a system that works.

I will rest for now, fine tune my system and once I gather my bullets, I will try win back everything. 
I will follow strictly the rules I set for myself.

hahaha this tune is constantly playing in my mind even after 7 years in recovery. 
This music kept playing over and over again during my years of destructive gambling, especially after each bailout of my debts.

NOW THIS IS A REAL HAPPENING >>>

Recalling, one desperate Sunday night in 2006, when I was left with $500 bucks in my on-line betting account, I need to make a repayment of more that $40k worth of debts on the next day......

I kneel down infront of my Higher Power, get joss sticks burnt my own hands and swear infront of my higher power, if you help me overturn my losses tonight, I will never gamble again !!

Then I started tossing 2 coins to get HIS indication for the 5 LA LIGA games I selected and of course I won !! Won big in the parley bet. $64K in all.

But did I stop ...... Need to guess ??

Insanity right !! That's a Gambling Addict in Denial ....

Many gamblers would have said .... "I would have stop if I were in your shoes"

YES, i agreed. If you are not a gambling addict ...

There is alot of different , and in the field of addiction, there is many different type of gamblers

1) Professional Gamblers (which is one I aspired to be !!! HaHa)
2) Social Gamblers
3) Recreational Gamblers
4) Anti-Social Gamblers
5) Escape Gamblers
6) Problem Gamblers
7) Pathological Gamblers (Gambling Addict - - ME !!)

However, to many .... all these are bullshits ....

Gamblers are simply GREEDY and has no MORAL VALUES .....
（贪念，不脚踏实地， 想一步登天！！）


Now here is the list of inventory that I did back then .... "why I can't stop"

1) No Desire to Stop, still in the winning-chasing-losing-bailout cycle ....

2) No need to stop .... there's still bailout available .... there's still enablers ...

3) Why stop ....There's chance to fight back everyday ..... stop means “die” to most gambling addict

4) Cashless punting with illegal bookie and readily available loan-sharks has made it more attractive for addict to continue chasing losses. There are chances and opportunities for me to fight back each day. Even legal betting are catching up with times !! How to stop ??

5) A master of manipulation and great constructor of wonderful “stories” which often allows addict to obtain the desired bail-out.... rest and fight back again .... must pay back money quickly .....

6) GAMBLING IS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEMS ...... quickest way to solve my problems .. I have done it before ..

7) I Love my game ... why should I stop ... maybe i just rest for a while .... I can control myself ....

8) Fear ...... Want to stop but Afraid to stop ..... do want to lose everything ... the will to fight back has been reinforce over the years ..... 

9) Surrender never on the cards .... Acceptance of “I'm a Loser in the game” not possible .. I DONE IT BEFORE !!

10) Previous Big Wins stills ringing bells in the memory ..... it will happen again, bcos it happened before ....

11) It can't be ...... I won't keep losing forever ..... It will come ..... Maybe the next time ....

12) False belief in “Luck cycle” ... Luck cycle goes up and down... It will go up again ...

13) The false dreams of huge win, restoring one's status and hoping to prove a point to prove to others that we are ok and can be a control gambler

14) One more try and I will stop (if I hit the jackpot) ........

15) Gambling has become one's best pal and companion ..... gambling addict goes into the trance state, being controlled by the addict within .... The relationship which addict had with this addictive personality has since developed into as intense and intimate relationship.

16) Gambling Addict just don't have the capacity to be HONEST ..... always never honest with my debts .... always hid some amount to protect my own ego and continue to fight back to clear it myself ...

17) Don't wanna to lose face .... in Asian context, especially chinese, "face", pride and ego are huge factors which causes the addict to continue gambling ...

18) Shame factor ... too much to lose if stop ...... too shameful facing the debts, shame and disgrace .....

19) Guilt factor .... leading from shame ... don't want to see famliy "suffer" not realising that family had been suffering for many years during his destructive gambling ...... Would rather fight till the last penny !!

20) The so call "instict" within the gamblers..... it's coming ..... next one .... this should the right moment ... I have this "feel" ...... the insane mind of the addict ....

FOR A GAMBLING ADDICT
Stopping gambling is difficult,
Staying stop is extremely difficult
Facing Reality is painful and stressful
Meeting life on life's term just SUCKS

That's why we need all the help and support we can get ... and also to follow to a possible recovery recipe in our daily routine .....

To break the intimate relationship with one best pal (Gambling) over the years is not a easy task that can happen over night. Recovery is a process of change ....

A Process of unlearning the old - accepting the past - relearning the new - practicing daily

LIVING A DAY AT A TIME

Talk is always easy ....... 

so my dear friends .... stop talking about recovery and what you will do ...

JUST DO IT !!

ARE YOU CONSIDERING "SEEKING HELP" ???

In the journey of problem gamblers .... we would only seek help after we HIT ROCK BOTTOM .

BUT for each problem gambler, each ROCK BOTTOM VARIES

As in my story, it took me many many years to HIT that extremely rock bottom, and wanting to seek help.

WHY ? here is a slide that I use in one of my presentation to tell you why

F.B.S = False Belief System

That's why many view us (problem gamblers) as incorrigible, bxxtard, shameless etc etc  

Even till date, no one really see us having a disease of addiction and understand the fact that it can never be cured, but can be arrested and keep under control ... 

But whenever i mentioned this, here's the reply

"BULL SHIT", you are just pure greedy with poor morale values and always wanting easy way out of life !!!

So, for those considering to seek help ....

ESP those who have hidden this disease of addiction so well that no one has yet to found out .....
Those was has been living on lies after lies ...

It is not a Easy Decision ....

No one has really shown what's there in recovery and what are the issues that we are struggling with ....

Here I am to share with you what actually happen when I decided to surrender and wanting the seek help ...

The actual reality in life I have to face then

look at it .... the spider web of nightmares once I decided to come clean and seek help...

Without proper understanding of gambling addiction and a proper support system in place during recovery, it is extremely depressing and even suicidal for the problem gamblers ....

How I felt then ..... this following slide summarized it all

How to continue life like this ..... ???

Talk is easy .... unless you have been there ..... 

That is why i started this blog seven years ago, to start writing my recovery journey ... to share all the struggles, the pain and most importantly the positive side of recovery ... rebuilding relationships and my rebuilding my own family, learning to love them again. 

So what is the initial journey like for me ...

Now walking into the seventh year of my recovery, I am still learning to live life on life's term, changing myself and rebuilding my family ...

DO I STILL BET ..... of course YES. (4d and toto)

Disappointed to hear that ??  it's ok with me ...

Even if I say NO ... NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ME ANYWAY

Once I came forward, I have already being judged !!! So no point explaining .....

The fact that till today my family is still by my side, my lovely wife and children still adores and loves me greatly after what i did in the past, speaks volume of the effort i put in to change myself and arrest my gambling addiction over the past seven years !!

The road of recovery is a painful journey ... is always under construction and may not be able to complete in this life time ..

BUT trust me, you will definitely enjoy this new journey, with your love ones by your side, sharing with you the pain and also the JOY, the warmth, the laughter as well as the tears  ....

One day at a time, slowly but surely !!!

Start your Recovery Journey Today before your own spider web gets bigger and more complicated like mine.

CHASING LOSSES ????

Last Day of World Cup 2014 ???

SUFFER BIG LOSSES ....... Not end of the world !!!!

PLEASE DON'T TREAT IT AS A WIN OR DIE MISSION FOR TODAY GAME !!!!

For those new to gambling addiction, you may want to know that One feature of compulsive gambling is ‘loss chasing’. 

Loss chasing occurs when a gambler continues to gamble in the face of great losses in hopes of winning their money back. In the disease of gambling addiction, this is the stages of development ..

While someone who is a moderate, social gambler might quit after losing a certain amount of money, a compulsive gambler will keep going, risking losing much more than they can afford in an effort to recover their losses. 

ARE YOU CHASING LOSSES ....

ONLY YOU HAVE THE ANSWER .... BUT DON'T deceive yourself

BUT if you are wondering where you are right now ..... 

READ THIS

"those who participated in “chasing losses” valued the possible reward of winning over the fear of risk " 

Meaning While someone who does not compulsively gamble might be able to weigh the pros and cons of continuing to gamble after losing a significant amount of money, the brain of a compulsive gambler appears to be unable to handle this process.

DEAR PUNTERS ....

Before you place the next bet ..... 

if you have to, need to and want to place the next bet ....

Think about your family, your love ones,

BET SAFELY !!!!

IF YOU ARE THINKING OF YOUR MONTHLY BILLS AND ALL YOUR DEBTS

TRUST ME .... 

YOU SURE WHACK IT TONITE !!!!