A Gambler in Denial

Recently a recovery friend sent me this piece of news on the internet, story by Yahoo! Singapore on 28 Aug 2010 ...

I read with interest over and over again. Let me share with you the story here and share with you the similar thoughts, denial and belief system which are similar to mine during my destructive gambling days.

The first thing which impressed me was, at the age of 28 he has S$100,000 in saving, which he claimed he lost within minutes ... hehehe anyway I like this story. 

Here you go

Singapore News

Man bets S$100,000 life savings online — and loses

By Ion Danker – August 28th, 2010

Just a few minutes of madness caused Gabriel Lim, 28, to lose S$100,000 – his entire life savings – on an online gaming website. What possessed him to take such a risk?

Currently unemployed, the former store supervisor first got hooked to online baccarat last November after friends introduced him to the game.

<< A store supervisor with $100,000 life saving at age of 28 !! Impressive bro >>

The lure of ”easy money” induced Lim to set up an account with the online gaming website. Initially, Lim started with small S$5 bets but blessed with ”beginner’s luck”, his winnings soon came up to an average of S$2,000 a day in the first few months.

“I was playing it almost three hours each day at home and sometimes in the office too,” he told Yahoo! Singapore.

“I remember winning S$15,000 within a day, it really felt good,” said the diploma holder, who quit his job to focus full-time on his new passion.

The adrenaline “rush” from winning big caused Lim to make bigger and bigger bets, all in the hope of making a huge windfall. Then came the crash in March earlier this year — in just a matter of minutes.

<< My cycle of destructive gambling ... Winning - Chase, Losing - Also Chase, Keep Losing - Must Chase, Desparate time - Die Die Must Chase, Win back some - Best time to chase !! Got Gamble got hope. I won big before. I have runs of winning steaks. This losing phase won't last forever one. >> 

Revealing how he lost $100,000 in the blink of an eye, he said, “The simple rule [in online gambling] is to use the ‘doubling up’ method, where you double your bet amount each time you lose. But remember, once you lose ten games in a row, log off and accept defeat,” Lim said.

“But I lost discipline and control and went against the ‘rule’. I continued with the 11th game thinking I would be able to win back my losses but lost everything instead.”

<<  After losing that $100k, he still think that he lost because he is not discipline and not enough self control. He still believe that he has a system that can works and it worked before because he has won big before. And even came out with his own rules and theory for on-line betting !!! Something wrong with his brain ?? Of course not. I was just like him. This is the mind of an gambling addict >>

“I was stunned for a few minutes and when I realised all my money was gone, the only thing I wanted to do was smash things up to vent my anger and frustration,” he said.

Afraid his parents would find out, he turned to his elder brother after seeing his personal savings wiped out.

“[My brother] lost S$50,000 at the casino so he understands what I am going through,” Lim said.

So how is he dealing with the loss?

Lim nonchalantly said no one is to blame except himself. When Yahoo! Singapore spoke to him, the single man didn’t appear too affected by losing such a huge sum of money.

He even remains adamant that he is not a compulsive gambler. He says he is now looking for a new job so he can start saving from scratch in order to build up another pool of capital.

 

“I will continue to gamble once I save enough cash and I believe this time round, I will follow the rules and win back my money,” he said confidently.

“I don’t consider myself a compulsive gambler because to me, it’s more of a tactical thing where I strategise to win money. The key is discipline.”

(( The story ends here ....... ))

Why should I stop ?

I am just out of luck and out of bullets at the moment.

I win before and I have a system that works.

I will rest for now, fine tune my system and once I gather my bullets, I will try win back everything. I will follow strictly the rules I set for myself.

hahaha this tune is constantly playing in my mind even after 45 months in recovery. This music kept playing over and over again during my years of destructive gambling, especially after each bailout of my debts.

Recalling, one desparate Sunday night in 2006, when I was left with $500 bucks in my on-line betting account, I need to make a repayment of more that $40k worth of debts on the next day...... I kneel down infront of my Higher Power, get joss sticks burnt my own hands and swear infront of my higher power, if you help me overturn my losses tonight, I will never gamble again !!

Then I started tossing 2 coins to get HIS indication for the 5 spanish games I selected and of course I won !! Won big in the parley bet. $64K in all. But did I stop ...... Need to guess ??

Insanity right !! That's a Gambler in Denial ....

Hope you like the story.

Social Problems caused by the Loansharks OR the Problem Gamblers ?

I came across this piece of article in the Chinese New Paper on Sunday. I read with interest and concerns.

Have we gotton our direction wrong ?
Have we gotton our focus wrong ?

What's the root of the problem ? Is it really Mr. Shark?

Please don't get me wrong. I am definitely not pro Mr. Shark and not a supportor of Mr. Shark. I condemn their acts and digusted with their cowardly actions of harassement in the dark.

But my concerns and questions are

1) Did Mr. Shark forces anyone to take loans from them ?

2) Did Mr. Shark beg the borrower to take the loan ? Please, tolon lah ... take the money ??

3) Didn't Mr. Shark explains clearly the crazy interest one has to repay weekly or monthly on top of the principle amount ?

4) Didn't Mr. Shark warns the borrower the consequences of not repaying ?

So why the borrower, knowing all the above yet still wana borrow leh ??
And once they realised that they can't make repayment , they cried foul play ?? Cry uncle, Cry auntie !!

Then what these borrower do ?
- - Try all means to repay ... quickest way is to gamble and hope for the best

- - Those want easy way out would Just pass on their problems to their family members, to the society and to the authority.

- - Those struggling with shame and guilt may Just jump and end their life ... but unknowingly they would still pass on their problems to their family members now with added "PAIN"


So where's the root of the problem ? Mr Shark or The Borrower ??
Why the increase of Sharks swimming in our neighbour ?

Simple logical explanation = got demand got supply ... doesn't take a business genius to give the answer!!

Over the years, some very entrepreneur Sharks even set up company and became "Legal Money Lender" by getting a proper licence from the authority. They openly placed advertisements on the papers.

So there a loop hole somewhere ? There's probably an answer somewhere out there.

I worry about this so call "freedom of speech" so I am not going to get myself into trouble by criticising ... This issue has been greatly debated in the parliment, in the papers etc ..

But does it changes the price of pork ? Or shall I say changes the price of "Shark" ?? hahaha

I rather that what i wrote in my blog will create some form of awareness and able to reach out to the problem gamblers suffering out there, especially their family members. Hope my article will ring some bell and wake them up from insanity and seek help early before all is lost ... tragic happens.

What does this hot line for the Anti-Loanshark campaign encourages ?

Without doubts calls will pour in ... More will be arrested by our effective authority. The growth of Sharks swimming in our community maybe contained. But they will not be extinct as they will continue to reproduce because there's still food for them to feed on.

So the Million Dollar Question is - - Will this stop the growth of borrower ??

And my next question is how many percent of them are Problem Gamblers ?
- - Do you need even to make that guess ??  Who would be so desparate to wana borrow from the sharks knowing the huge interests and the consequences of non-repayment ?

My concern is and I have known couple of cases that some borrower take the money and not even making one repayment, report the Sharks to the police.... funny right !! Take the money then try to kill the Sharks.

So would this campaign provide a easy way out from Problem Gamblers ? Take the money first, try my luck again ... If I win, I repay back so next time can borrow again. If I lose, report police and call the Ant-Shark hot-line....

Then, what's the repercussion ? Shark's will still con't to swim around and look for their prey and they would get even more aggressive !!!

Should we then re-adjust our focus and working on the real root of the problems existing in our community?

I remember during one of my sharing with the Minister of MCYS at a NCPG dinner back in year 2008, the Minister, Dr Vivian Balakrishnan ask me, in my opinion

1) Why aren't the problems gamblers coming out to seek help ?

2) What would attracts the problem gamblers to come out and seek help ?

I remembered I spoke briefly about the following

1) Why gamblers doesn't want help
2) Gamblers in denial
3) Easy access of money and to bookie to fight back (includes loansharks problem)
4) Enablers in family
5) Non-acceptance of gambling addiction as a illness in our community. It's still view as moral weakness
6) Holistic approach to help attracts problem gamblers into recovery

Over the past two years, I have tried to share these experiences as a gambling addict with many different people, agencies and parties ..... And I am still trying.

I have reached out to many recovery people and in some cases, with there's cases who were charged on Cheating and Criminal Breach of Trust. In cases, where they were not caught, they surrender themselves after seeking proper treatment, BUT during the sentence, the judge still said, gambling addiction is not a migating factor. In one of the case, the judge didn't even mentioned anything about this willingness to come out and seek treatment for the root cause of all the problems in his life. And for a very small amount of money, which he has made full repayment, he was still sentenced to imprisionment for 3 months.

BUT what stuck me was 2 days ago, when a serious rape case committed by 5 teenages was changed to a serious molest charge and they are all let off with light sentence ?? God, what is wrong ?

It was quoted in the papers that one of the reason was because they were young and deserved a chance.... ? It's a serious crime and it destroyed the life of the poor young victim. If they deserved that chance, what about addicts who were willinging to surrender themselves and seek help ? 

Insanity perhaps ...

It take loads of courage for an addict to be honest, surrender and seek proper help especially being insane for such a long period of time, stuck in the addiction cycle. At any stages of one's life, this act is extremely painful for an addict. He is sick all these while and doesn't know how to deal with his life anymore. But he decided to get help. Imagine how difficult it is going to be if there's no acceptance from the family and from the society .... Just like any cancer patient, if there's no acceptance, support, love and care, would they still wants to carry on living ?? At one stage, I wanted to end it too.

I am not trying to gain any pity or sympathy here.

We, as addict, don't need sympathy.

We need a chance. A chance for us to be responsible for what we have done, for us to be responsible for our recovery. A chance for us to live again. BUT it will take time.

For a start, we need acceptance, a hope.

I am grateful I am alive today and able to share this with many who read my blog. I hope someone, somewhere, who has the power, would read this and able to readjust our focus, our energy and our budget in dealing with the real roots of the problems in the society. Maybe that person is only God.

Real Time Story of a Recovering Friend

Recieved yet another depressing sms for another friend

"Thanks for the support everyone but sorry I'm giving up. Bye"

I replied him sharing some of my strength in recovery and also a real time story to encouragement so that he could quickly regain his sanity ...


~ Recently, a good buddy of mine in recovery was diagnosed to have a rare blood disorder and it is a terminal illness which the doctor can't gave me his remaining "time-line. Just when he started his new life in recovery, doing ok, picking himself up .... then suddenly he lost his love one, then followed by this illness. Why God so cruel? I asked. He then shared with me "Bro, we can't beat the clock ... we can't beat God, and similarly, we can't beat the bookie, the bookmakers, the bankers, the casinos, the jp machines.
BUT I am not going down without a fight. I am going to give a good fight by living my remaining days, one day at a time to my fullest and treasuring my family and love ones around me" ~


I then told my this depressing friend: "Bro, we still have a 2nd chance, but this friend of mine doesn't have that chance anymore". He then replied me

"But understand so much from the grop but still i go and ruin my life!!

So stupid I'm. Some more doing more stupid mistake"

I understand that he has relasped and return back to gambling and incurred more damages and this time round even took loans from Mr. Shark!! His wife now wanted divorce and he has kids of age 2 and 4 ......


It must be very devastating and depressing for him. Many would not pity him. Some would say he deserved it. Some would encouraged the wife to leave quickly with the kids ...... I went through that before. I could understand how he felt as I also wanted to end it all back then...



Let us recall the incident back some time late last year, when a man killed his 2 kids and jump down to his death when his wife wanted to end their marriage at a time he was burdened with so much debts and so desparated and depressed .... I don't know what will this friend of mine choose to do. But I prayed that it's not the same sad ending as this fatal incident last year. So I thought of sharing this on the blog.

Recovery is so so painful. Why ? Becacuse we have to give up "gambling" which has been our best pal, our highs, our intimate relationship, our defence system, our hope in life, our solution to our money problem, our easliest way out in life .... to some, to give up gambling is like ending their life.....


Addict always says: "One last chance, just give me that one big win and I will stop ..... I can start all over again." Without gambling, an addict may not know how to cope with life anymore.


I am a gambling addict. I have a disease of addiction where there's no cure but it can be arrested. 45 months into recovery since I seeked help. I am still strugging. But I am making slow and steady progress. There are still alot of challenges, alot of pain but it's definitely, better than those days when I was gambling away.



Living life on life terms sucks. It take times to make changes. It may even take years and not even in this life time. Why ?


Becasue we have to unlearn our destructive way of life styles of gambling, be honest about our gambling problems. accept our illness, surrender completely, letting it go, "this is not my game", be open-minded to treatment and help, be willing to learn new postive behaviour, practice them on a daily basis.

In summary, it's H.O.W. H-honesty, O-openmindedness,W-willingness.

In recovery we seek progression, not perfection. We are not saints. We are sick people trying to get well. There may not be acceptance in our community about the fact that we are sick people, suffering from the disease of addiction. There may not be acceptance and forgiveness in the family and our love ones too. But after all the damages and destructions that we have done, the pain we have inflicted on our love ones, not only once but repeatedly .... How can we expect forgiveness and acceptance to be immediated ??

It takes time. We need to be patient but first of all, WE MUST CHOOSE RECOVERY.

Yes, we would sure to feel extremely guilty and many even became so shameful that sank down into depression .... I was told - if really feel guilty, then do the next right thing. We can still make amends when we are ready and when our victims are ready. But if we are stuck in the cycle of shame, we would not have the courage to do anything, we would just continue to isolate ourselves and returning back to gambling to seek the easliest way out of everything.


hahaha but in the midst of writing this story to share with everyone, praying for his safety .... then a friend of mine called me and told me,

"Bro, he's ok liao. He's back working .... he just text me and ask me .... "

hahaha how fast addict's mind changes ..... this is part of the disease... from one extreme to another.... no matter what, I am just glad that he choose life, pick himself up and doing the next right thing....


God Bless all of us seeking recovery.

Living in Secrets, with Shame

Yesterday I recieved sms from 2 very depressing recovering friends in the wee hours ...

"I'm way beyond hope  .... Really feel better off dead then to be worst then a monster ... "

"Please pray for me, I can't forget the damages I have done ... I can't forgive myself ..... "

I fully understand how they feel. I felt the same way in my early recovery days. But once I started to be honest, started to open up all my dirty secret, my secret lives of gambling and sex, it is really great relief. The burden is being shared. I accepted my powerlessness towards my addiction and my life is totally unmanageable. I surrendered and I asked for help ....

Next I found a Higher power who has helped me to restore my sanity and begin my journey in recovery ..

I’ve heard it said that “we’re as sick as our secrets.” What do we keep secret, and why?

Why is it so painful when gambling addicts came into recovery ??

- - It's mainly we live in secret live. We keep secret those things that cause us shame. Yes, it's true that many who came in to seek help, do open up and talk about their gambling problems and the amount of debts and damages done but we still may hold onto some things because we don’t want to surrender them.

The most destructive secrets that in my opinion are things that causing us shame. It's ok to feel guilty because we could still make proper amends if we feel guilty but shame will haunt us, keeing us in our secret lives, going back to our old destructive way of living, unable to break the cycle of addiction. Even worst, drag us down to depression and even suicidal ...

Some of us hold onto the things that cause us shame, not because we don’t want to be rid of them; we just don’t believe we can be rid of them. They’ve plagued us for so long during our years of destructive gambling, and we’ve tried so many times to rid ourselves of them, that we’ve stopped hoping for relief. Yet still they shame us, and still we keep them secret, deep dark down in our heart. This "shame" will continue to hold us hostage.  

We need to remember who we are: "recovering gambling addicts". We who tried so long to keep our destructive gambling a secret, and now in recovery, we have found freedom from the obsession and compulsion to gamble.

No matter what's the main reason that we walk into the recovery room, though many of us enjoyed gambling right to the end, we sought recovery anyway. We just couldn’t stand the toll our destructive gambling was taking on us. When we admitted our powerlessness and sought help from others, the burden of our secret was lifted from us.

The same principle applies to whatever secrets may burden us. Yes, we’re as sick as our secrets. Only when our secrets stop being secret can we begin to find relief from those things that cause us shame.

My fellow friends,

You may have not been honest even though you seek recovery ....

You may have hidden the full extent of debts and damages you have caused for whatever reasons ....

You may have gone back to gambling secretly and inflicted another damages that no one knows ....

You may be still in denial for what ever reasons, and waiting for the chance to fight back ....

But please, Just for today, tell yourself, that your secrets can make you sick only as long as they stay secret. Pick up the phone, make an appointment, talk to your counselor, talk to your priest, talk to someone in recovery who understand, about your secrets. Lighten your burden by sharing. Throw away the shame. Come out to the light.

I remember clearly the day before I served my sentence, my mentor told me

"The first half of my life is to teach me how to live the 2nd half of my life better"