Living in Secrets, with Shame

Yesterday I recieved sms from 2 very depressing recovering friends in the wee hours ...

"I'm way beyond hope  .... Really feel better off dead then to be worst then a monster ... "

"Please pray for me, I can't forget the damages I have done ... I can't forgive myself ..... "

I fully understand how they feel. I felt the same way in my early recovery days. But once I started to be honest, started to open up all my dirty secret, my secret lives of gambling and sex, it is really great relief. The burden is being shared. I accepted my powerlessness towards my addiction and my life is totally unmanageable. I surrendered and I asked for help ....

Next I found a Higher power who has helped me to restore my sanity and begin my journey in recovery ..

I’ve heard it said that “we’re as sick as our secrets.” What do we keep secret, and why?

Why is it so painful when gambling addicts came into recovery ??

- - It's mainly we live in secret live. We keep secret those things that cause us shame. Yes, it's true that many who came in to seek help, do open up and talk about their gambling problems and the amount of debts and damages done but we still may hold onto some things because we don’t want to surrender them.

The most destructive secrets that in my opinion are things that causing us shame. It's ok to feel guilty because we could still make proper amends if we feel guilty but shame will haunt us, keeing us in our secret lives, going back to our old destructive way of living, unable to break the cycle of addiction. Even worst, drag us down to depression and even suicidal ...

Some of us hold onto the things that cause us shame, not because we don’t want to be rid of them; we just don’t believe we can be rid of them. They’ve plagued us for so long during our years of destructive gambling, and we’ve tried so many times to rid ourselves of them, that we’ve stopped hoping for relief. Yet still they shame us, and still we keep them secret, deep dark down in our heart. This "shame" will continue to hold us hostage.  

We need to remember who we are: "recovering gambling addicts". We who tried so long to keep our destructive gambling a secret, and now in recovery, we have found freedom from the obsession and compulsion to gamble.

No matter what's the main reason that we walk into the recovery room, though many of us enjoyed gambling right to the end, we sought recovery anyway. We just couldn’t stand the toll our destructive gambling was taking on us. When we admitted our powerlessness and sought help from others, the burden of our secret was lifted from us.

The same principle applies to whatever secrets may burden us. Yes, we’re as sick as our secrets. Only when our secrets stop being secret can we begin to find relief from those things that cause us shame.

My fellow friends,

You may have not been honest even though you seek recovery ....

You may have hidden the full extent of debts and damages you have caused for whatever reasons ....

You may have gone back to gambling secretly and inflicted another damages that no one knows ....

You may be still in denial for what ever reasons, and waiting for the chance to fight back ....

But please, Just for today, tell yourself, that your secrets can make you sick only as long as they stay secret. Pick up the phone, make an appointment, talk to your counselor, talk to your priest, talk to someone in recovery who understand, about your secrets. Lighten your burden by sharing. Throw away the shame. Come out to the light.

I remember clearly the day before I served my sentence, my mentor told me

"The first half of my life is to teach me how to live the 2nd half of my life better"