Farewell 2019!

Farewell you 2019.... and fuck you big time!!  

2020 pls be kind to me! I'm trying trying  my best and making load of changes ..... pls be kind 🙏🙏🙏🌈

why recovery is so difficult?

In any form of recovery....  bcos all we need is love ❤ and is usually not there...

No one to blame.... all the people are us are victims from our destructive behaviour... i cannot expect them to be grateful now I'm in recovery...

I cannot expect to be healed from the hurt I hv caused in the past...

As long as something happens which remind them of the past... which trigger them ... remind them of the things in the past....

Bang....... 

Did you lie to me...

Did YOU do it again....

Did you ....

I am Never the One.

I saw my hope..... 

I saw my motivation.....

It kept me going...

I know I wasn't good enough..... but I tried....

I'm so so sorry that I was not good enough.... i tot I was ... honestly....

And I tried very hard.... and got so far ...

But at the end of the day....

It's doesn't even matter..... bcos I am just a bastard and fucker to everyone.

there is no 'right' person..... bcos I will never be good enough to anyone...

Rest in peace Bennie. Your time is up

The Great Pretender!!

Addicts r great Pretender??? 

Oh really....... finally I managed to find out after placing my last bet..... someone else is much better than me!

So??  I lied bcos I want to place a bet!! 

But I'm not fake!!!  I treat people ard me with real love... my heart and soul . But I really love and enjoy my last Bet! 

But this whole..... this life.... is full of fake people.... who pretend to love and care and then behind BANG!! They made use of me.... cheated on me and betrayed me..... then said it was me causing it....

Tell you what.... why we addict lasted so long..... bcos we are not fake!!! I just so love my last BET! 

Fake things don't last!

I can be that fcking fool!! I'm used to being a fcking fool. 

It's ok! 

Remember this.... fake things don't last 

On 27 Mar 2019...

Hialast word ....

Your most loved ''drug of your choice''  won't stay loyal to you ...

YNWA .... never EVER believe this bullshit

Rest in Peace.

Wahahahahaahahahahaa

The Past of An Addict.

Ask any Addict.... and 100% will reply this..

《The Past keeps Haunting Me!!! 》

And everyone seems to Judge Me by my past.... No matter how long I have been good and clean.

Once familiar incident like in the past happens.... it will trigger everything.

So? ? ?

That's what Recovery is all about.

Totally sucks to my Ass!! The Past can hurt! And it hurts many.

They all said addicts = full of lies and betrayal.....

Life itself is full of lies and betrayal!!! 

Karma serves all dicks and bitches!  No where to run. 

Bcos I'm addict so I deserved to be cheated and betrayed !!

Come and get me!!

I will show you that I'm unbreakable!  

Good Intentions

Every addict will say this....

My intention was good..... but action was wrong...

Today I realised this....

My good intention is never good ... mainly bcos it's only for my 'own' good intent....

🙏🙏🙏

Rest In Peace

This is my last

I lost my last bet .....

The Addict is dead for now.

Rest in peace.

Last word to share with those that enjoy reading this addict post ....

His last word ....

Your most loved ''drug of your choice''  won't stay loyal to you ...

YNWA .... never EVER believe this bullshit


Rest in Peace.

A Good Seaman But Just too bad....

(Updated 9 nov 2019)

In my last 13 years of recovery... life is full of storm ...

Now... still the same.... but I always tell myself this

A Smooth Sea Never Made a Skillful Sailor. It's easy to become discouraged and beat myself up over mishaps and when things go wrong.....

Acting in impulse all the time during my active addiction ... so....

It will take some effort to shift one's mind and not easy.... even to take a deep breath and calm down.

A good seaman weathers the storm he cannot avoid, and avoids the storm he cannot weather.

I dropped my ''anchor''. Thought I found my destination..... ..... decided to rebuild my life and found new motivation  .... and I kept going bcos of this motivation!!  I believe in this motivation.... I trust this motivation. 

I hang on to one belief..... ''HOPE''  ... this word gave me the strength....

After today 27 March...... 72 ..... I'm letting go of this HOPE. Maybe being forced to Let Go.... such coincidence I am born in 1972 too.

It's all bullshit.... A bullshit that I believe... 

And left me heart broken and disappointed and this time.... totally broken this time as I really deeply rooted ... but honestly..... perhaps you are right .. I don't deserve 'it'

Never felt this way for a long long time.

Time is running out for me. I'm not fighting it anymore.

You came back... telling me it was ok!  You put on a mask... and deceived me again.... I didn't realised you are the real Addict!  I didn't realised that you are making use of me all these while! 

I believed in you.... trusted you. Start to Place my bet ...... yesssss you make me happy with selective wins... 

But what I didn't realised that .... you are plotting something behind my back..... waiting for the moment that I trusted you fully .... and then bang...

You deceived me.... and betrayed me.

I saw that coming.... but bcos I am addict... and you are my only hope and motivation.... SO I decided to hold on to this hope and trusted you ...

You killed me!! Yet again......

I am devastated...... then a word whisper into you ear.....

"" You deserved it!  This is karma!  No one force you to believe in this hope and motivation!! 

It's your choice and you are fully responsible for your choice"" 

Betting Addiction was the 'WORST'

MERSON'S MISERY 

Paul Merson’s ‘life has fallen apart’ after gambling left him ‘like a crack addict’, admits Arsenal legend

TEARFUL Arsenal legend Paul Merson has admitted his "life has fallen apart" after a gambling relapse left him feeling "like a crack addict".
The ex-England soccer ace, now 50, notoriously lost £7 million on his booze, drugs and betting problems in the 1990s.

Paul Merson wiped away tears while talking about his gambling addiction in a new ITV documentary called Harry's Heroes

The Arsenal midfielder lost millions of pounds to his gambling and partying habits during the 1990s.

But he reveals he has been gripped by gambling again in a new ITV documentary due to be shown next week.
Dad-of-seven Merson broke down as he told producers: "I'm struggling with life at the moment, struggling badly.

"Life's fallen apart - gambling...I've just completely lost control, I've completely, again.
"I'm digging a hole - I can't get out of it.
"It's the worst addiction in the world."

Merson, who placed his first bet aged 16 with his Arsenal pay packet, told the programme he was still being given credit and bets by bookies DESPITE his well-known addiction 

He said he had wagered money on football, basketball, snooker, cricket - but never horse racing - and described his urge to bet as "relentless".

He added: "It's so tiring it's unbelievable.
"Mentally draining, just sitting there, thinking where am I going to get more money to do this?
"It's like...it's literally like a crack addict. It is like a crack addict. "Exactly like that.
"But, with crack, you couldn't spend that kind of money on crack, it's impossible. Impossible."

Merson once told how he blew £20,000 in a single weekend and saw his first marriage break down in 1996 because of his problems.
In the ITV show, called Harry's Heroes, he is one of 13 ex-England heroes trying to get fit again under ex-Spurs boss Harry Redknapp.
Merson misses a training camp abroad because of his relapse and is filmed meeting ex-pro Drew Broughton, who has also battled addiction issues.

I'm digging a hole - I can't get out of it.
Paul Merson

Merson told him: "If I'm being honest, I'm struggling at the moment, really am, with the gambling.
"I find it very difficult. I'm back to virtually where I was many years ago.
"Sort of like now I'm just sort of like constantly gambling all the time and I don't like myself. And it's scary.
"My life should be good.
"It should be good. It should be like, two lovely kids, a lovely wife and my life should be good.
"And it's literally going like that and I mean quickly and worryingly.
"And in the cab on the way here I broke down. I've had enough."
He added: "It's got to that stage now. There's got to be something wrong with me.
"I've been in treatment, I've done it a few times. I've been to Arizona.

"You know what, it was unbelievable at the time. It was unbelievable what they did.
"And that's what scares me that I still went back and done what I've done now."

Deep Rooted

(Updated on 7Nov 2019)

Addiction is like deep rooted tree...

Yes .... you are poisonous... and I am deeply addicted to you .

You gave me Hope every day .....
You kept me going every day .....

I'm grateful  ..... I hv tried my very best and really done whatever I could within the beat of my ability...

I dun think I can ever pull out the roots...

Rooted deep into the ground....

You are my hope....

Even till the one last bet.....

You will definitely be my last.... bet.

And Again I lost  ...... YES I lost big time and I lost everything. 

You told me it's a sure win bet.. you told me you will back me up.. you told me you wld be there for me ....

All fucking lies!  Fucking full of lies!! 

You betrayed me when I'm deeply rooted to you... fcking shit! ! 

Just bcos I'm an addict???