"Now .... it's always lose-lose for me .... "

.... Suddenly I realised .... it seems to be an awakening .....

Now ..... in any incident that happens, especially at home, at work or with your love ones .... be it a quarrel, a fight, any form of arguement or confrontation, regardless of what the outcome is .... I am always the bad guy .... I am always at a lose-lose situation .....

Is this self-pity ???? I guess not ....

God has a great sense of humor .... There is always something to learn from in times of troubles. Sadly to say, addict like me, can only be transformed under deep rock bottom troubles ......

Just give an anology .... A incident sparks a fight at home ... I was wrongly accused and abused so I was again in the defense mood and I fought back. In a rage of fire, I forgot about mercy again .... The sparks turn into fire .... major acident happened at home, someone got hurt not by me .... police came ..... no matter what's the outcome is ..... guess what ... all the arrow wld still be pointing against me ..... rite ??

So right from the beginning, why react ??? why be angry if I know that no matter what happen, at the end of the day, I am still at a lose-lose situation .....

Just take a look at the extend of the damages that gambling addiction has caused to my life and my family ......

Regret ??? ...... Don't know how to answer ... I have never asked to be a gambling addict .... I wouldn't be one if I know I am ending up as such a "state" .... always in a lose-lose situation .... nobody would right ??

In recovery, the only reason that I am living right now is bcos GOD found me ..... HE's carrying me ....

<< 2 Corinthians 1:9 >>

Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. (NIV)

What rubbish ... but it's true ..... I need mercy !!

Since released from behind bars, my life are progressing nicely.... God has shown me lots of grace, mercy and favours. Things are going good, getting better and each month in recovery brings more material and spiritual gifts.

My wife started to save a little money in the piggy bank. I am still letting her control all the money bcos I just cant handle money. We had a little new small car for me to get ard my job which required me to move around swiftly, and the rebuilding of relationship with my love ones are making good progress.

I started to havve a little self-confidence, and my faith in God Power is growing. Then, something happens....... Unexpected past debtors turn up, my elderst kid chalked up a hefty mobile bill, my love ones started to take me for granted, hurtful remarks and abusive words being spat at me, daily work getting tougher and more stressful, I started to fall sick ... all happening at the same period.

Right away, I felt anger, and felt victimized. “Where’s the justice?” I wailed. I told myself I had enough!!! I have been trying so hard to change for the past 3 years, trying to be a good husband, good father, a good son, a good person ..... why is this still happening to me again and again ???

I was filled with anger and fraustration.... I was sick but no one bothers...... I need a rest but work need to be done as this the critical stage of the year ..... I cant handle my emotions ... I let it out and there's a huge fight at home ....

Worst of it all, after work for the last 2 days, I didn't go home and buried myself in the betting outlet watching the live soccer games till very late and punting away, chasing the highs in my false belief system trying to beat the bookmakers !!! I foolishly, angrily justified my actions...... But inner-self I struggled .... I felt a great sense of guilt of my actions and reali don't know how to cope .... Suddenly I felt so depressed and hopeless again .... I wanted to seek sexual thrill but I wasn't gona fall into the trap of the devil ...... Lossing my 2 days pay is really very damaging .....

I finally pick up the phone, met a recovery friend and had a chat ..... After that I prayed to God, asking for mercy again ...... Then I take a look back on my own behavior, I found that I’ve been guilty of doing what’s just been done to me. I realize I wouldn’t really want justice—not for myself , and not for others. What I want now and needed now is mercy. I thank my loving God for the compassion I’ve been shown, and I took take some time to appreciate all the precious gifts that recovery brings.

I went back home, humbling ask for forgiveness, confess my actions and pass the remaining money to my wife again. I went to my eldest kid room, and said "Daddy is sorry" ......

I am still learning ... I am still in the process of change .... I notice once I think I am in control again, the devil of the disease of addiction always there to take control again..... so powerful, so cunning, so blaffing......... I am powerless over my life, my addiction, people, places and things around me. I have to let go of all control and let God.

Filling the Void .... Emptiness

During my destructive gambling, I could never get enough betting activities or money, or sex, or anything else. Even too much was never enough! Soccer betting is my only pleasure-able desire ...... There was a spiritual emptiness inside me.

In recovery, though I tried as hard as I could to fill that emptiness myself, I never succeeded... whenever I can't cope with life on life's term, I can't cope with the pressure cooker around me ..... I always go back to seek that "pleasure" within me which I desired so much, which has helped me to cope with my life for the past 28 years .... Though, I did it with lots of safety net by placing a small bet .... BUT DEEP INSIDE ME, I knew that's no such thing as safe bet, control bet ..... I am just seeking justification and immediate gratification. I am playing with fire again.

The worst thing is that my wife has saw my changes, consistence behaviour....... and when she noticed I am troubled and when I confessed to her I placed a small $5-$10 bet on a game, she said "it's ok. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing well. Just saty honest, remain this small bet and don't be out of control again" ... this is also enabling me ..... I felt shitty about this and I need to address this again..... Ï am really powerless over the addiction .......

"I have the desire to stop but I, too have that desire to be a good punter"

"I don't want to go back to my destructive behaviour but I am playing with Fire again"

Addiction is a chronic, cunning, powerful and blaffing disease ....

I then realised that I have yet to make that decision - "It's not my game anymore".

I have not surrender completely........ This is my real life struggle with addiction at the moment...... especially when everything seems to be going well for me, and when the wound started to heal well ... I thought it's ok for me if I can handle..... "didn't I felt the same way after every bail-out I had in the past "??

In the end of the day, I realized that I lacked the power to fill the emptiness; it would take a Power greater than myself to do that. I have to stop control betting, and stop trying to fill the emptiness in my gut with things with yet another compulsive behaviour, stop the false belief system from gaining control of me again....... when I am getting well, the addict is doing push up quietlt at one corner, waiting for the righ moment to give another knock out punch ..... I started to fear again...... I need help.

Today, I will turn to my Higher Power, asking for HIS care, strength, and direction. I believed slowly, my inner emptiness will be filled with HIS LOVE for me. GOD, help me pls ......

For now, bAck to the basic again .... STEP 1-3

“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment.”

Matthew 6:34
## Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own ##

Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us, like me, who’ve dodged it for so long. I dare not face it because I can't handle it....... I kept escaping into my world of fantasy, and false belief. I often thought, money is the solution to all my problems and I seriously believed it for years, since I started to place my first bet - of course I won.

In the past, I believed that "Money" was the cause of all my problem and "Gambling" was the only solution I know.

When I stopped gambling, I came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming...

• The overwhelming debts which I have to salute myself because I never even realized it was so huge, beyond my own imagination...


• The broken relationships around me which seems beyond repair, perhaps not in this life time.... making amends is a dreadful and haunting tasks


• The betrayal of my marriage was extremely damaging and painful for my wife......


• The lost of employment, spending time behind bars, the discrimination I faced in the community, the bankruptcy order, feeding the family ....


• And the past will always catch up with me ......

I often think that maybe I can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. I am so powerless of my addiction, my emotions, my life, the people, places and things around me !!! These thoughts feed themselves, and many at times, I was paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life. Many of times, in any conflicts at home, with people around me, the past often catch up with me. I am in recovery but they are not ..... Many still can't forget and let go of the pain I inflicted on them...... who can .... They may have forgiven me, but they will not forget the hurt, the pain I caused upon them. It is just too much for them to handle. So in many conflicts, I will be constantly reminded about what I have done in the past. I am being disqualified. I can't even defend myself now even it was about the past...... I suck my thumb, text a recovery friend, process my emotions and let the tears flow inwards.

I am grateful that I started recovery, surrendering in Jan 2007. I began my journey of recovery, stay in recovery till now and will always be in recovery.

• I don't have to win now


• I don't have to be in control now


• I don't have to provide any solution now


• I learn to accept the fact of the past, the cruelty of the present and the uncertainty of tomorrow


• I understand they are the victims of my addictions


• I just don't have to fix anything now

However, for me - Life sucks. I know I have to learn to enjoy little things in my life now. Honestly, I am grateful for the new lease of life that God has given me, but that doesn't mean I am happy. Perhaps I need to re-learn the meaning of "contentment"........

For this very moment, I don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so I learn to take them one at a time. I take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. In recovery, I learn to stay sober, sane and sincere just for today, and I approach my problems the same way.

When I live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect afterall.
One breath at a time, I can stay sober and learn to live.

Just for today, I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.

STOP LIVING IN THE PAST

Many compulsive gamblers struggle in the early days of their recovery, through looking back to their past life, burdening themselves with guilt, remorse, money they have lost, opportunities they have missed, or lack of progress at work. Our experience has shown that if we are to recover, these things must be left in the past and we must move on.

Guilt and remorse can cripple us. They are very close to self-pity. We must strive to replace them with the acceptance of responsibility, and make amends where we can.

Money lost

- We must accept that this money is gone. We have already spent considerable time and money trying to get it back, with no success. All we have achieved is more misery and more pain.

Opportunities missed

- If we come to accept a safe, and more prudent way of life, we will have more opportunities, and if we are free from gambling and living a useful life, we will be able to take advantage of them when they occur. The old ones are gone, look forward to the new ones.

Lack of progress at work

- What can be done in that field depends a lot on the age and abilities of the member. However, irrespective of age or ability, any member can become a better worker. Probably for the first time in years, we are able to concentrate on what our job requires us to do. We can channel the energy we needed for gambling into our daily tasks, then leave the rest to our own higher power.

To sum up, our experience has shown us that if we care to embark on a new life, free from gambling and all the problems and misery that gambling generates, then we must close the book on the life we are leaving behind.

Responsibility

“A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we do not take the time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow.”

Responsibility, responsibility — the responsibilities of life are everywhere. Now in recovery, on top of normal responsibility, we’re “supposed to” stop gambling, learn to structure and pay for our debts, learn to hold on to a job, go to GA meetings and practice our recovery program as best we can (with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness)

It’s no wonder that, sometimes, we want to run from all these tasks and escape to some far-off island where we’re not “supposed to” do anything! Many times like these, when we’ve become overwhelmed with our responsibilities, we have forgotten that responsibility need not be burdensome.

When we have a desire to run away from our responsibilities we need to slow down, remember why we have chosen them, and pay attention to the gifts they bring. Whether it’s a job we normally find challenging and interesting, or a partner whose personality we are usually excited by, or a child whom we naturally like to play with and care for, there is joy to be found in all the responsibilities of our lives.

The goal in recovery is to find the balance : we take responsibility for ourselves, and we identify our true responsibilities to others. We will need to be gentle with ourselves while we learn.

Just for today: Each moment is special. I will pay attention, grateful for my responsibilities and the special joys they bring.

Financial Fears

Since released .... I had been so strong, so brave, so trusting for so long. I has worked courageously at being grateful for what I had, while setting financial goals and working at believing I deserved something better ...

I had put up with so much poverty, so much deprivation since surrendering for treatment ... since the day I admitted "Im powerless over my gambling addiction ..... " . Daily, I work the Eleventh Step. I worked so hard at praying for the knowledge of God's will for me only, and the power to carry it through. I believe I was doing what I needed to do in my life. I was doing my best, working my hardest, one day at a time.

And there just wasn't enough money. Life had been a struggle in many ways, but the financial struggle seemed endless.

Money isn't everything, BUt it takes money to solve certain problems. At times, I was just so sick of people telling me "let go and let GOD do the rest" ..... I was sick of acting and pretending everything is gona be ok and GOD will rescue me ..... and acting as if I head enough money. Everyday, I have to work so hard just to learn to "LET GO" of the pain and the fear anbout not having enough family to feed my family, keep my shelter intact, pay for medical bills, kids education etc. .....

Actually, looking back, there were times I was happy. I had found my soul and regain my sanity in poverty. BUT now that I had my soul, my sanity and my self, I WANTED some money too.

Many times while I was struggling in pain and fear, I heard GOD speak to me in silent ....

"YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN CHILD. NOT UNLESS YOU WANT TO. I TOLD YOU THAT I WOULD TAKE CARE OF YOU. AND I WILL"

Great I though. Thanks alot. I believe you and trust you. BUT LOOK AROUND .... I have no money ... I am running out of resources ..... I thought again - - - "YOU LET ME DOWN"

Again I hear HIS voice ...

"YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN.YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID. I PROMISED TO MEET ALL YOUR NEEDS".

I went around trying to solve the money problem my ways ..... hahaha at times still praying for GOD to grant my wife a big WIND-FALL in all the luck draws contest she took part in ..... it never happen ....

Day by Day it passes, I still have enough to feed the family, I still have enough means and support for my family necessity ..... there are helps given to me by various social services ..... I was given more and more part-time assignments , projects .... and I am starting to bring enough home ...

Since that day I surrender ..... I have had hard times, but I have never had to go without - - not for more than a moment in time.

Now, I have just enough ... I still worry about money becos that seems to be habitual..... I will continue to learn that "I DON'T HAVE TO ...... "

GOD, help me work hard at what I believe is right for me in my life today, and I will trust you for the rest. Help me let go of my fears about money. Help me turn that area over to you, GOD.