World Cup 2018

Coming to the end of group stages soon...

By the end of today fixtures.... Argentina maybe heading home in the next available flight!!!

Football God Messi not answering any prayers... hahahaha

So so did i bet on this world cup 2018??

Need to ask??? Being Honest !!!!

YESSSSSSSSS

Wtf??? Why am i betting???

Yes wtf I am indeed betting.... what's new? World cup leh......

Win or Lose???

Need to ask??? Being Honest ...

YES.... lost !!!!

How much????? Hahahaha wtf ... don't ask leh.... very paisay and embarrassing. ...

But i know the reason liao!!!!!!

I pray to the wrong God of Football!!!!

Hahahaha

Hanging In there......

No one seems to understand what i am going through ....

But is it important that people understand  me ... Or ... is it more important for me to understand what others is going through.... 

Especially those suffering because of me??

Really. .. i am coming to a point .. that it doesn't  matter anymore how i feel. No one cares... or shld i say ... Why shld anyone care since I am the ''bad'' guy

AND

I am the cause of everything !!

No Bennie ... = No trouble ...... maybe

But I still believe that ......

My Existence in this life  can still contribute alot to many other people ...... especially  those i can't see ...

So ... I am going to just Hang In There.

The pressure is building up everywhere ..... everyone is taking turn to have a go at me.... I always tell myself, whatever given to me .... i will take it and give my best in everything i do, every role i played. Nothing less.

I will Trust Boss and Hang in there. ... I get what i deserved.

#####

Life will not stop just bcos we can't get what we want and the way we want it.

We need to continue with life and work within whatever limitations that life has given us.

It all started bcos of me..... I can't go back and change the beginning but i can change the Ending !!

One Day @ A Time.

No matter how hard i tried.... it seems never good enough for everyone.

But that doesn't  stop me from believing .... that doesn't stop me from loving ... and that doesn't stop me from continuing doing what i have to on a daily basis.

The whole world can continue to pick on me.... continue to doubt me.

i am already disqualified i know that.

Givee me shit and slowly i will use them to build a garden...

Push me to a corner. ... i will fight back slowly to regain my ground.

If i fall i will get up and fight. I Won't Run !!! It will be just too Tiring 

I will stay focus.... and very focus esp for 2018!!! Bcos there is going to be alot of changes and transition

Life will not stop just bcos we can't get what we want and the way we want it.

We need to continue with life and work within whatever limitations that life has given us.

It all started bcos of me..... I can't go back and change the beginning but i can change the Ending !!!

Im the cause of everything.  So i wont complain and i wont pick on anyone or anything.

I will push on ... One Day @ A Time. This is not how my story is going to End.

Doing my best in everything i do and keep believing. One day .... all things will fall in place.... But not how i want it to be... But how BOSS  has put in place for me!!

Bring on the STORMS !!!! 

I will maneuver around them and continue to dance in the rain.

Recovery is always under construction .... 

One day At A time, Easy Does it and Turn it Over.

When You focus on "Problems", you will get more Problems

BUT

When You focus on "Possibilities", you will get more Opportunities!!

Stay Positive and Stay Focus.  

I am the Problem ....

From the beginning ..... I am the Cause of everything. It's all my fault.

I look into the Mirror today .... and for once, I can't smile to myself anymore. Everyone around me is hurting.

So it has got to be true ..... THAT 

I have never intend to harm anyone and hurt anyone .... 

So many things happened over the years.... And I have never given up trying to change and trying to be good. I am not prefect. I have my issues that I need to work on ...

All of you can doubt ME .... I am ok with that because I am used to it anyway ...

All of you can continue to have a go at me..

All of you can continue to pick on me...

All of you can continue to doubt me...

All of you can continue to say 

I am the problem!!!!! Yes i  am the problem bcos i exist in your heart.

I will continue to be good but i won't waste my time proving to anyone....

Things are happening according to what is shown on the Cards. I just have to accept it and deal with it one thing at a time.

Everything happens the way it meant to be.

I used to have those negative thoughts. ...

I am not good enough 

I am that selfish bastard 

I am a useless addict 

I am already old and disqualified. .. there are better alternative around me...

If i am the problem, why don't get rid of me once and for all ... 

But for now..... i will continue to be a good person and no matter what i do ... 

I am never good enough. That's for sure.

Feeling helpless BUT ....

Something to remember really.......

Feeling sense of helplessness

And perhaps .... losing hope too......

Not too sure how i manage to hang on all these while ..... hahahahaha.

Life on Life'S term ... simply just sucks. Especially when you are already disqualified.

Felt like quitting and give up everything. Feeling helplessness and hopelessness ..

Just being felt like a prisoner with eyes on me ... watching everything i do... every step i take.... waiting to have another go at me ...

Then when i was preparing for my work this morning .... I saw this ... pasted there by my dad in the late 1980s. Actually if I were to take a step back and look .... True. 

Thank you all of you who are trying to tear me apart and put me down. I realized that I have grown much stronger and much more resilient to all these dramas and at the same time paying back my karma. 

So seriously. .. all of you that want to see me breaks.... hahahaha ¥ou have to wait abit longer!!!!

Because I want to see what will happen ... KARMA awaits for me ... SURE SURE !! But remember that KARMA awaits for YOU too.

感恩你们 !!

Good Man

Today someone said this to me. ...

"Looking at your changes over the years, the way you love and treat everyone around you, I always believe that you are a good man, and seeing the things you do all the time... you are really a good man..."

But now ... I don't think you are a good man anymore!!!  I have my doubts in you.

I smile and walk away.... thinking ...

Ermmm... once upon a time.... i am a good man ... now out of sudden

I am no longer a good man???

Good or Bad??? Who knows.???

All of you can doubt me and judged me based on things you see and feel.....

I totally respect that. But going around and start saying horrible things about me .... things which you made up by your own judgement and that are not true.... Hahahaha Seriously .....

But I can look myself into the mirror and tell myself this.... I am a Good Man.

YNWA

Something that I always keep close to my heart ..... YNWA

LFC is my team ...since 1978.

YNWA is my theme in my recovery journey .

In spiritual faith, when higher power allows things to happen..... means things must happen this way, and there must be something that i must learn through things that happened ...

Things happened.... it can be a lesson which is a blessing OR a blessing which can be a lesson too.

Good Or Bad ... who knows???

Let those with No Sins throw the first stone At Me!!!

At the end of the day, when i leave this world, Karma will be waiting for me.

Even now, i will get what I deserved.

NO MORE NO LESS.

But i know deep inside my heart, LFc, and i know I will never walk alone .....

And let me share this with you from my heart if you are struggling in the deep end .....

YNWA !!!!  

Beginning of 2018

Life is still full of shit .....

Simply bcos I am getting myself into more shit !!!!

I am free to choose ... but I am not free from the consequences of my choice and the decision that I have made.

Did I just fucked myself up again ..... A Question that I have bee asking myself for the past 1 month.

Honestly I have no answer.

Alot of question arising...... why why why why why why .......

I have no answer.

And when I have no answer .... Guess what ..... I am fucked for Sure.

Heading into the Eve of the Lunar Chinese New Year, And I am not sure whether I wld still be ard tml and for how long I can still hang ard .....

Don't Know how to explain situation ... and I guess, no one will be interested to hear me as well.

I am not a bastard .....

I am not a predator .....

I am not a badie .....

I am not a heartless person .....

I am not a ungrateful person .....

I am not a mad person .....


Who will listen ....... Who knows the truth ........ Only I know the truth.

No matter how many time I say ...  "I am really SORRY" ..... no one will ever accept my apologies

What I have done ..... it doesn't matter anymore ..... I am wasted .

From now on, year 2018 onward

ONE THING FOR SURE NOW ......... I AM Absolutely Disqualified !!! All the past 11 years of good hard work all been removed and no one will remember the good about me anymore.

After 11years of Recovery ......

.... Life is still full of 

And i seriously don't see it changing

Hahahaha

The fact is that people, place and things don't change!!!

No mattter how much i have changed or how many good i have done during this past 11 years....

Just one wrong, one familiar incident of the past.... late bill payment, similar financial situation like before ....one bet too many ... one woman too close to me ...

People around me will say there he goes again!!! But is it really like this???

Or does it really matter at all.

If i don't explain, people will say silence means he is guilty!!!!

If i try my best to explain, people will say
'' ha... this was what he is good at... making up storys and covering all gis wrong ..."

There comes a point that i don't need to explain anymore...

People will believe me... doesn't need me to explain. ..

People that have judged me... will not believe me anyway .

Does it means i give up trying ...

The only choice i have is ...

Being Stronger than yesterday, be better than yesterday's Me.

And keep smiling ...  keep shining ...

And continue to chase my dreams !!

02 chance in life

Be Strong

Be strong ..... In my recovery journey, this is the only choice I have .

And the most cruel part of this ...

Is if i want to be strong, i need to fight the battle Alone!!!  Yes... that's how cruel it is in recovery.

There's no other choice and honestly I never know how strong I am until recently i realised that being is the only choice i had.