Struggling With Own Emotions

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In recovery, I am also powerless over my emotions and my emotions are unmanageble

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I just don't understand it ..... for the past 2 days, I am just so frustrated with myself, people, places and things around me .... I just can't calm down, I just can't find peace within, I just can't let go .....

~~ I am very sensitive to any remarks and comments on me even it may be teasing or joking ... I don't like people to hold me hostage of my past .... BUT am I holding myself hostage of the past ???

~~ Noises, screaming, shouting of people around me makes me upset, trigger my anger ... it's very difficult especially I have kids at home .... some said it's stress, fear, post acute withdrawal .... do I have an "unknown" agenda ??

~ ~ Constant nagging by my love ones igitates me ..... I'm just released from behind bars, ... I wanted to slow down and adjust to life outside, I want to learn to take baby step ...... Am I being lazy ? Am I being fearful ?

~ ~ I am frustrated that people don't seems to appreciate me especially I am trying so hard to change, to be good and to stop gambling .....

~ ~ I don't have the ability yet to walk away from confrontation and arguement when I am not in the wrong..... I still don't like losing ..... BUT I felt extremely lousy after each exchange.....

~ ~ I don't feel love.... I don't get enough attention from my love ones.... I'm like a baby that needs their full attention ...... BUT I know I can't get them..... I knw they have not trust me yet ... I know it takes a long time .... BUT I JUST Can't HELP IT ...

........ I want attention, I want Love, I want my love ones to understand me, I demand instant gratifications for myself ........

..... HELP ME ....

I'm anxious, frustrated, angey, upset .... I want desperately to alter my mood ..... DEEP WITHIN, I KNEW THAT THE ONLY SURE WAY is to " go back to place a bet" or "use another substance to calm me down" , to allow me to feel the way my brain chemicals desire ...... it works 100% .....

I tried it previously before ..... the moment I am at a betting outlet, the moment of analysis a game, odds and outcome, the moment of getting involved ... IT's NOT ABOUT THE BET - Winning or Losing anymore ..... I went into a betting outlet, filled out the betting slips after staring at the odds and brain began active in analysis.... I joined in the queue ..... I felt good, calm and composed ......

This time, the struggles happened late in the night ...... I picked up the phone, called a fellow member ... He listen patiently, understands but didn't offer advise as he knows it's not the advise Im looking for.....

It's the "MOOD ALTERATION" which what my body, mind and soul desired ...... We prayed together over the phone ...... I didn't seek other alternative..... I went to take a cold shower, broke down and cried....... I felt better after praying, taking a cold shower and crying .... I felt a sense of relieve......

BUT THE MOOD RETURNS TO HAUNT ME AGAIN THE NEXT DAY ...... Especially when Euro 2008 is just around the weekend ...... it's gona be a real struggle......

~ STEP ONE ~

We at GA, believe our gambling problem is an emotional illness, progressive in nature, which no amount of human will-power can stop or control.

We have facts to support this belief. We believed, at one time or another, that all of our problems could be solved with a BIG WIN. Some, pathetically, even after making a big win, found themselves in WORST trouble within a short period of time.

We continued to gamble ....... We found we had risked loss of family, friends, security and jobs. We still continued to gamble. We gambled to the point where it resulted in imprisonment, insanity or attempt suicide. We still continued to gamble and were unable to stop.

We fell victim to a belief that if only our financial problems could be solved, we would be able to stop gambling or even be able to gamble like normal people. Many times we swore we would never gamble again believing we had the will-power to stop gambling.

We believed a lie. We believe we had the power to stop or control our gambling. Our inability to honestly look at our gambling problem enabled us to continue to gamble. In spite of all of the evidence from our past, we still denied the truth about our gambling

Upon entering GA, we must develop the ability to honestly look at our gambling. This is the first step in our process of recovery. Without honesty, we cannot admit our powerlessness over gambling. We must honestly accept, admit and unconditionally surrender to this powerlessness in order to proceed with our recovery. any reservations we had or may presently have that we can gamble again means we still believe we are not powerless over gambling and that we have not admitted or accepted our powerlessness. (either we have power over gambling or we don't.

To those members who have difficulty with admitting their powerlessness over gambling, they should write about their gambling, and the destruction their gambling has caused and their countless futile attempts to stop gambling. Use the '20 Questions" as a guide. Write extensively, thoroughly and specifically using each of the questions as a central focal point. Only with the awareness and the acceptance of the hopelessness, helplessness and desperation of our situation (as compulsive gamblers) can we develop the open-mindedness required for STEP 2.

~~ STEP ONE ~~

Step 1 : WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS OVER GAMBLING THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE.

In the first step of the recovery program, members admit their powerlessness over gambling and learn to accept the truth about compulsivegambling - - that it is an incurable progressive illness which only can be arrested through total abstinence from gambling.

Members acknowledge that they were powerless to control their lives when gambling dominated their actions, Through this admission, members gain the inner strength to deal with theor problems and face responsibilities ..... recovery is our responsbility.

In Step One, complusive gamblers are asked to accept the fact that their lives had become unmanageable. Members acknowledge that the gambling illness disrupted their financial stability and many aspects of their lives, including family, work and other personal relationship.

The admission and acceptance that come with Step One are pre-requiste to controlling the destructive behavior caused by complusive gambling.

The first step of the recovery program is just as important to someone who has abstained for a considerable period of time as it is to a newcomer. By regularly reviewing Step One, members are reminded of the past so that they will no repeat it.

Spiritual Principles for Step One

Honesty

Open-Mindedness

Willingness

Humility

Acceptance

JUST FOR TODAY

JUST FOR TODAY, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without gambling ........

JUST FOR TODAY, I will have faith in someone in GA who believes in me and wants to help me in recovery.......

JUST FOR TODAY, I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability ...........

JUST FOR TODAY, through GA, I will try to get a better perspective on my life .........

JUST FOR TODAY, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not gambling and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I ahve nothing to fear ........

JUST FOR TODAY, I will keep it simple, one day at a time , let go and let god.

~ KEEP IT SIMPLE ~

“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment. When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably.”

Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us who’ve dodged it for so long. When we stopped gambling, many of us came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming.

We think that maybe we can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. These thoughts feed themselves, and pretty soon we’re paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life.

Happily, we don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so we take them one at a time. We take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. We learn to stay clean just for today, and we approach our problems the same way.

When we live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect. One breath at a time, we can stay clean and learn to live.

Just for today, I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.

Matthew 6:34

## Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own ##

Easy Does IT ??

Are you trying too hard in recovery ?? ........ I am ...

Are you trying to run a fast race in recovery ?? ....... I am ....

Are you trying to carry too much, too early in recovery ..... thinking of being trying to take proper responsibility ?? ... I am ...

If the answer to these questions are "YES" ..... then you maybe in danger liao......

why leh ??? ..... SIMPLY PUT IT .... "FRUSTRATION"

As I enter recovery, as things are seeming to be on the right track, as I "seem" to be more sober up ....... then "pink cloud" hits me and blinded me ..... the addict within took control without me knowing......

I tend to forget that the addict is still within .... I think that I can stop my gambling habits and destructive lifestyle now...... AND I "really" try to believe that my love ones around me has forgotton about the pain I caused them in the past......

I thought they have forgiven me and able to leave the bondage of the past me - which had traumatized and hurt them so much .......


BUT that wasn't the case ....... the addict ME still "lived" in them.... I thought they have changed ... not knowing it's ME who have changed.....

In many daily issues, there are many instance and issues that I am not in agreement to them, opinions, views, ways of handling situations etc ..... I STILL CAN'T LET IT GO ..... I STILL CAN'T BE COOL and LET THEM WIN OR LET THEM BE ......

As the exchange of views happen, as confrontation happens, the gambler within wanted to win ....

I wanted to resolve the matter immediately ... I felt let down .... I felt why can't they see I have already change ..... why can't they listen to me now......

I felt hurt by their crude remarks of the past .......

"Don't you remember the past ??"

"Don't you remember what you did ?? " ..... ...

"Can't you keep your feet on th ground ?? " ....

"You are the one who had caused these damages .... " ...... "

"You make us lose everything..... you caused us embrassment...... "

WOW .... WOW ..... WOW

How to react to these situations ?? .... these comments ?? ..... which were so hurtful ....... especially when I am trying so hard to make things right, trying my best to make it up...... trying my best to give them all my love... it's fraustrating as they all don't seems to understand me ....

CANT THEY ALL BE GRATEFUL THAT I AM IN RECOVERY ..... ???

It's seems a uphill road for me ..... lonely .... painful ... OFTEN I SANK into SELF-PITY mode ...

THEN GOD's Voice spoke ...... "Bennie, have you realise it's all about "YOU" again ??? ""

I then replied .... "YA ... YOU told me recovery is about "ME" what....... ??"

GOD's voice spoke again ......

"RECOVERY is about "YOU" .... RESTORATION is about them"

I then replied ... "Huh .... ??"

GOD's voice ceased with .......

"SLOW DOWN ..... EASY DOES IT ... IT TAKES TIME"

"GET OUT OF THE CLOUD FIRST ....."

.... I NEED LOVE .... I AM EXTREMELY INSECURED

Where can I find Love ? I am extremely insecured ..... I have lost everything .....

Real Love ... True Love ..... I need Love in recovery .... in my fight against temptation.

The "book of Love" teaches me HIS words ..

"PRACTICE GIVING, AND PEOPLE WILL GIVE YOU" ..... simply put it as ...... "IF YOU WANT TO BE LOVED, SHOW LOVE" ....

I tried ... and tried very hard ..... most often than not, I felt even more disappointed, depressed and disillusioned if I don't get any the response I needed ..... especially when I am trying so hard and people don't even seems to appreciate I am trying...


then he said ... you have to "practice giving without any expectation in return" ...... and most importantly "trust GOD that people will give you in return" ......

In recovery, we need to "walk in faith and not by sight" ..... how difficult and how uncomfortable and how insecured will that be...... esp when spiritual strength is weak and when you can't feel GOD .....

HIS words continue.... "LOVE bears all things, always trusts, always hopeful and endures all things ... most importantly .. LOVE NEVER FAILS ....