........ In recovery, I am also powerless over my emotions and my emotions are unmanageble
........
I just don't understand it ..... for the past 2 days, I am just so frustrated with myself, people, places and things around me .... I just can't calm down, I just can't find peace within, I just can't let go .....
~~ I am very sensitive to any remarks and comments on me even it may be teasing or joking ... I don't like people to hold me hostage of my past .... BUT am I holding myself hostage of the past ???
~~ Noises, screaming, shouting of people around me makes me upset, trigger my anger ... it's very difficult especially I have kids at home .... some said it's stress, fear, post acute withdrawal .... do I have an "unknown" agenda ??
~ ~ Constant nagging by my love ones igitates me ..... I'm just released from behind bars, ... I wanted to slow down and adjust to life outside, I want to learn to take baby step ...... Am I being lazy ? Am I being fearful ?
~ ~ I am frustrated that people don't seems to appreciate me especially I am trying so hard to change, to be good and to stop gambling .....
~ ~ I don't have the ability yet to walk away from confrontation and arguement when I am not in the wrong..... I still don't like losing ..... BUT I felt extremely lousy after each exchange.....~ ~ I don't feel love.... I don't get enough attention from my love ones.... I'm like a baby that needs their full attention ...... BUT I know I can't get them..... I knw they have not trust me yet ... I know it takes a long time .... BUT I JUST Can't HELP IT ...
........ I want attention, I want Love, I want my love ones to understand me, I demand instant gratifications for myself ........
..... HELP ME ....
I'm anxious, frustrated, angey, upset .... I want desperately to alter my mood ..... DEEP WITHIN, I KNEW THAT THE ONLY SURE WAY is to " go back to place a bet" or "use another substance to calm me down" , to allow me to feel the way my brain chemicals desire ...... it works 100% .....
I tried it previously before ..... the moment I am at a betting outlet, the moment of analysis a game, odds and outcome, the moment of getting involved ... IT's NOT ABOUT THE BET - Winning or Losing anymore ..... I went into a betting outlet, filled out the betting slips after staring at the odds and brain began active in analysis.... I joined in the queue ..... I felt good, calm and composed ......
This time, the struggles happened late in the night ...... I picked up the phone, called a fellow member ... He listen patiently, understands but didn't offer advise as he knows it's not the advise Im looking for.....
It's the "MOOD ALTERATION" which what my body, mind and soul desired ...... We prayed together over the phone ...... I didn't seek other alternative..... I went to take a cold shower, broke down and cried....... I felt better after praying, taking a cold shower and crying .... I felt a sense of relieve......
BUT THE MOOD RETURNS TO HAUNT ME AGAIN THE NEXT DAY ...... Especially when Euro 2008 is just around the weekend ...... it's gona be a real struggle......
4 comments:
Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm
Finding Strength in Adversity
In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul tells us that he pleaded with the Lord repeatedly to take away his “thorn in the flesh.” But the Lord replied to him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Paul goes on to tell us, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.“
Overcoming Adversity
Count your blessings.
Keep in mind the Persian proverb:
I cried because I had no shoes until I saw someone with no feet.
People see things differently.
Some look at the situation and see goodness and positive in it.
Other look at the same situation and see problems , despair and negative in it.
The way I think about a situation determine whether I ' ll be happy or sad , resentful or understanding , angry or calm , loving or hateful.
It's not things that make the difference - its my attitude toward them
12&12 p.101, Step Eleven
It is better to give comfort than to receive it;
better to understand than to be understood;
better to forgive than to be forgiven.
2&12 p.72, Step Seven
Whenever we had to choose between character and comfort,
the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness.
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