Are you trying too hard in recovery ?? ........ I am ...
Are you trying to run a fast race in recovery ?? ....... I am ....
Are you trying to carry too much, too early in recovery ..... thinking of being trying to take proper responsibility ?? ... I am ...
If the answer to these questions are "YES" ..... then you maybe in danger liao......
why leh ??? ..... SIMPLY PUT IT .... "FRUSTRATION"
As I enter recovery, as things are seeming to be on the right track, as I "seem" to be more sober up ....... then "pink cloud" hits me and blinded me ..... the addict within took control without me knowing......
I tend to forget that the addict is still within .... I think that I can stop my gambling habits and destructive lifestyle now...... AND I "really" try to believe that my love ones around me has forgotton about the pain I caused them in the past......
I thought they have forgiven me and able to leave the bondage of the past me - which had traumatized and hurt them so much .......
BUT that wasn't the case ....... the addict ME still "lived" in them.... I thought they have changed ... not knowing it's ME who have changed.....
In many daily issues, there are many instance and issues that I am not in agreement to them, opinions, views, ways of handling situations etc ..... I STILL CAN'T LET IT GO ..... I STILL CAN'T BE COOL and LET THEM WIN OR LET THEM BE ......
As the exchange of views happen, as confrontation happens, the gambler within wanted to win ....
I wanted to resolve the matter immediately ... I felt let down .... I felt why can't they see I have already change ..... why can't they listen to me now......
I felt hurt by their crude remarks of the past .......
"Don't you remember the past ??"
"Don't you remember what you did ?? " ..... ...
"Can't you keep your feet on th ground ?? " ....
"You are the one who had caused these damages .... " ...... "
"You make us lose everything..... you caused us embrassment...... "
WOW .... WOW ..... WOW
How to react to these situations ?? .... these comments ?? ..... which were so hurtful ....... especially when I am trying so hard to make things right, trying my best to make it up...... trying my best to give them all my love... it's fraustrating as they all don't seems to understand me ....
CANT THEY ALL BE GRATEFUL THAT I AM IN RECOVERY ..... ???
It's seems a uphill road for me ..... lonely .... painful ... OFTEN I SANK into SELF-PITY mode ...
THEN GOD's Voice spoke ...... "Bennie, have you realise it's all about "YOU" again ??? ""
I then replied .... "YA ... YOU told me recovery is about "ME" what....... ??"
GOD's voice spoke again ......
"RECOVERY is about "YOU" .... RESTORATION is about them"
I then replied ... "Huh .... ??"
GOD's voice ceased with .......
"SLOW DOWN ..... EASY DOES IT ... IT TAKES TIME"
"GET OUT OF THE CLOUD FIRST ....."
Are you trying to run a fast race in recovery ?? ....... I am ....
1 comment:
I m able to keep away from gambling during period of low stress.
As stress increases , these post acute withdrawal symptoms begin to show up in me : -
1. I cannot think clearly : my mind
is dwelling on the thought of
the few hundred thousand dollars
I have lost and the money I owe
people now , This thought just
linger on and will not go
away.Where to find money to
return to these people , how to
find money to please these
people so that they will not be
so angry with me.
2. I cannot manage my feelings and
emotions : I m angry with myself
, I start to feel guilty and
ashame of the destruction , hurt
and harm I have cause to my
family and friends.
3. I dun know how to manage
stress , despite trying so hard
to be a better person , nothing
seem to work for me at work and
at home , I feel like I m
fighting the battle alone ,
I feel physically very
tired and mentally exhausted.
I feel like I m fighting a lost
cause. I m disappointed , how to
stay calm and relax under
situation like this.
4. I feel all the problem
I have now is because I have no
money. In this situation , I
remember the few times I
succeeded in gambling and win
large sum of money and pull thru
the crisis.
I will forget the many times I
have lost in gambling and the
pain and stress it brings to me
is many times more painful and
stressful than before not to
mention the additional harm and
stress I bring to love ones.
My mind start to dwell on the
good memories of gambling and
block out the bad memory.
5. I will feel tense and restless.
I will not be able to sleep
properly.
If the stress increase and get so bad , I can lose my ability to be honest that gambling is wrong and not the answer.I know the anxiety or tension I have now will be relieved or diminished if I gamble.
After I act it out , win or lose , I know I will feel satisfied.The results is alway so predictable.
During period of high stress , the risk of me returning to gambling is very high and I have fail everytime.
haiz......
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