While working my Step 1 and Step 4, I came to realize the following traits of my gambler's instinct, gambler's personality and the false belief system which previously these were not presented so clear to me, Or perhaps during that past 18 months, going through coming clean with love ones, family and my bosses, gaining recovery knowledge, facing criminal charges and imprisonment, has kept my thoughts, my heart and my soul focus on stopping, staying stop ~~ for a possible miracle in recovery.......
But now when those are over, when I have served my terms, when my loved ones, family and friends felt that I have learnt my lessons well, learnt it the hard way, I would not repeat the same mistake, I can be normal again....... The pressure of staying stop suddenly is gone ...... the false belief system of I can resume as a social gambler or controlled gambling is possible because I have learnt enough of / about gambling addiction which would prevent me from returning to my previous destructive life pattern.
The hope or perhaps the false hope that God will now be merciful to me and grant me a huge win to recover all my losses returns because I have stayed clean.... because I have made changes..... because I have trust God ...... All the false belief system, the addict within starts to play the mind game....
I recalled what Apostle Paul wrote In Roman Chap 7, verse 15-17, about struggling with sins....“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me”
I have check with my therapist and told him about my guilt, shame and pain in my self discovery ....... I struggled and still struggling with my self-discovery about the addict me and I check with him whether my discoveries are normal and common to all gambling addicts and the answer to my below questions is a simple ~~ “YES, your are right.”
1) Most gambling addicts are insecured, fearful and mainly gambled to escape emotions, to fell useful, empower and gaining control of himself. -- I DID THAT !!
2) All gambling addicts, whether in recovery or not, still harbors that false dreams of huge win,restoring one's status and hoping to prove a point to prove to others that they are ok and normal. -- I HARBOR THAT !!
3) All gambling addicts still have a deep desire to regain controlled-gaming ... the false belief system that they are good and with more experience and safety nets, they can achieve that “control”, especially when things, situation and life has become calm and pressure off. -- I HAVE THAT !!
4) All these above 3 points are usually deep hidden, and gamblers in recovery would deny them and some are even not aware about them....... -- I DISCOVERED THAT !!
I am in the process of change .....
I am in the process of learning to live life on life's term .....
I am still learning about my recovery in gambling addiction ....
I am still trying to rebuild my relationships, my foundation and myself ....
BUT It's only ONE DAY @ A TIME
2 comments:
Rock Bottom
It's often said that people have to reach their "rock bottom" to begin recovery.
Not everyone has to reach the point of destitution, jail, divorce , harassment from loansharks , suicidal thoughts before they can start begin their recovery .
That can happen but everyone has their own rock bottom.
While it can be the jail term but it can also be many other things.
The first time we stole? Lied? Thought about stealing? All of those can be an individuals "rock bottom" . For me , I m just sick and tired with digging deeper and deeper holes for myself to climb out of.
The level of someones "rock bottom" does not make them a greater or lesser compulsive gambler.
Nor do the amounts involved.
In a Singaporepool outlet , there is alway someone who without fail every Wednesday , Saturday and Sunday had to gambled $100 Big $100 Small on each set of 4D numbers standing in the same queue next to someone whose largest ever bet was about $10, they were both equally compulsive gamblers. Arguably the person with the smaller bet had a harder "rock bottom".
We are all equal in addiction.
"I've had a lot of rock bottoms" Thats something I read a lot.
If you feel that way then what you have really had is a "series of lows on the way to your rock bottom."
You can make the decision that this is your rock bottom.
Similarly if anyone is new in here and reading this and maybe
thinking "I'm not as bad as what I am reading here"
then I would say that if you are a Compulsive Gambler ,the word you are missing is "YET".
This is a progressive illness/addiction, carry on gambling and things will get worse.
Make THIS your rock bottom.
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