.... Walking out of pink clouds, I was suddenly bombarded with problems; problems of reconcilation at home, problems of re-adjusting and meeting life-on-life's term, problems of settling down after spending time behind bars, and most importantly the ever-present gamble problem in MY BLOOD ......
I realised that I have remained in the past instead of revealing the current bug running thru my viens. I tried very hard to live in a healthy recovery ...... My very real and disturbing problems were kept within...... gambling is in my blood..... gambling allows the mood alteration that my brain chemical required ......
I watched my deterioration with the feeling that my active participation in GA and other recovery self-help group meetings would overcome my problem. I felt that working one part of the program was an insurance policy. IT DID NOT WORK ......
Then I became agitated.... anxiety increased..... I went into the self-pity mode fill with so much guilt and shame. In the program, I learned that I had for years avoided solving problems and achieving my mood alteration by gambling, but my defense against life's problem was gone - - I had stopped gambling. Now I was faced with problems for which I hadn't the wherewithal to resolve or tolerate.
I became hysterical. My therapy hinted at the disaster to come. Although I was actively involved in meetings and helping new members, I went back to gambling. I placed a bet. Even it's a small bet. It's still a bet. I gave in to acheive the mood alteration which I desired. It works 100%. I slipped......
Back at GA, I was asked to face the reality that I had gambled and run away from my problems for many years and hence, compounded most of the problems in my life. The disease model of ADDICTION is a chronic relapsing disease. This awakening created an inward disgust. I was the cause and effect of my miserable condition.
I tempted myself and at the first opportunity gave up my principle ..... I tempted myself becos I was "sick"......I gambled with my principle not to gamble .... I gambled to achieve stability in my emotions, relieving the stress, fear and condemnation I was feeling .... I discoverd a new form of action.
TODAY in GA self-help group, I am a better listener. I healed the wound of my slip, and I know that t
he first bet is made in the mind..... I know how my body and brain chemical is so dependent on gambling to achieve the mood alternation..... I need to rebuild all the forms of natural relationships in life as not to depends on gambling for mood alteration....... I need to be patient, to persevere and to work the program to claim spiritual progress rather than perfection. I need to learn to take baby-steps
he first bet is made in the mind..... I know how my body and brain chemical is so dependent on gambling to achieve the mood alternation..... I need to rebuild all the forms of natural relationships in life as not to depends on gambling for mood alteration....... I need to be patient, to persevere and to work the program to claim spiritual progress rather than perfection. I need to learn to take baby-steps TODAY I watch for the signals and the origins of the 'disaster' (anger, impatience, stress, condemnation, guilt,shame) and attempt to alter my attitude immediately.......
Repair the moment, one day at a time, and live free of slip.....
2 comments:
I have too many similiar experiences in the 2.5 years I promise to stop, I dun think it is going to change in the future unless I change.
I will be stress by real life issues at home , work by people , place ,thing.
Knowing what is gambling addiction and what is my gambling problem is not to going to be enough to curb my problem.
Everyone out there face the same problems i do but they do not react to it the way i do ,the problem is ME , I do not have the skills and strength to stay stop.
I will slow down myself at work and focus on working on ME and learn a new way of thoughts.
I m desperately in search of ways to strengthening my spiritual foundation...only when I m aware of what is happening around me , only when i m grateful and contented , only when i m courageous in vulnerability , only when i m humble and honest ....will i have the peace and serenity amidst the storm to survive and walk out of different situation without gambling.
I discovered that a lack of tolerance has much to do with my first bet which under certain circumstances I m unable to resist.
This condition existed when physical distress was experienced,
a. when realities of life become too demanding on my time and energy,
b. when mental tension was great,
c. when resentment at home or at work became unbearable,
d. when business was poor ,
e. when I became fatigued or tired
I felt that my condition have reached a breaking point ,I became intolerant of them, so I gamble.
I need help with these problems.
I must not expect them to disappear overnight.
The practice of tolerance is a part of my recovery.
It aids spiritual progress and helps me control my emotions.
It nurture contented sobriety.
I must remember all the times and be aware of the great harm and destructions in :-
1. being tolerant of wrong thoughts or action
( slot machines and drinking )
2. being intolerant of the right things
( accepting and live life on life ‘s terms )
I m alway defeated by an attitude of intolerance to strong feeling of distress when doing the right things.
I must never forget that the intolerable pain and despair from my compulsive slot machine gambling is many times greater than the pain that come from not giving in to the urge of gambling.
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